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How can my husband treat me so bad after admitting to an affair?

(29 Posts)
Shelly06 Sun 26-Aug-12 22:57:33

Hi Ladies, I'm new to all this so excuse me if I waffle. I'm looking for advice, support and somewhere to vent on what feels like a nightmare right now.

I'm a mother of two that had been with my husband for 13 years, married for almost 7, when he dropped the bombshell that we'd grown apart and he was leaving me to be on his own. That he cared for me but wasn't in love with me anymore. This was 5 weeks after I'd had our second son. I was devastated and knew something was suspicious as I'd sensed a real change in his behaviours towards me the last six months of my pregnancy.

To cut a long story short I hacked into his Facebook to uncover the truth that he was madly in love with a work colleague he'd known for about 4-5 years. Turned out she was a woman he'd mentioned was into him two/three years previously but I'd not thought much to it, thinking he'd never be the type to cheat.

Well, it now explains a lot about the unexpected arguments we'd been having, his moodiness and distance over the last year. I uncovered the truth in Apr and since then he's been back and forth between us - one minute saying he realises he belongs with me and the kids only to be cheating on
Me with her a week later. This last time was the final straw and he's moved out for good to his parents, leaving me in a huge house he convinced me to sign for in Jan knowing full well he was with her.

My question is around how he can be so cold and callous toward me now after everything he's put me and my six year old through. He says mean things and shows no concern. Wish I could take a pill to take away my feelings and not care that she'll soon replace me in his family - most of which I have been really close to not having such strong bonds with my own. I'm so worried for mine and the kids future and cannot understand the anger he has toward me. It's like after 13 years he just wants to erase me and the fact he cannot really annoys him! sad x

OP’s posts: |
DorisIsWaiting Sun 26-Aug-12 23:10:04

didn't want your thread to go unanswered, but you are not alone.

I don't know whether you have seen the relationships section but there are a huge number of women who could have written your post. (They also have great ideas on how to deal with it), most men seem to follow a fairly similar routed with affairs, the unexepected attitude changes, then the i don't love you anymore we've grown apart before oh yes I was having an afair...

Can I suggest you ask for your thread to moved relationships or repost there, as there is a huge amount of support and experience.

PandaSpaniel Sun 26-Aug-12 23:17:27

What a callous bastard!

How old is your little baby?

How can he justify leaving a six year old and a baby and then be angry at you??

If his family are at all decent they will support you even though you are not together.

I don't know what to say really. I think you need to look at practical things such as making sure you and your children are financially secure and you need to cut ties with him as much as possible. He is taking you for a mug, don't have him back, you deserve so much better. Is he wanting to see your children? He sounds like a very manipulative person, has he ever abused you physically or emotionally?

onedev Sun 26-Aug-12 23:40:44

I sorry as I don't have anything useful to add, but what I will say is that I think they behave that way to avoid how much they've actually caused pain (don't ask me why). My dad did something very similar to my mum after 30 years of marriage.

It's horrible & incomprehensible & I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree that there's a wealth of support on the Relationships board & i'm sure you'll find great support there.

All the very best & fwiw, you're better off without him. I'm sure it's hard to see that right now, but you will. You deserve better & you're strong enough to find it. Good luck.

PandaSpaniel Mon 27-Aug-12 00:00:20

Hope you find the support you need on the relationship board.

I know it wont feel like it now but you are so much better off without him. I know it hurts, I have recently split from my 6 month olds dad. Not a day goes by without me questioning myself what I could have done differently, even though he was the one (emotionally) abusing me.

You deserve better.

Shelly06 Mon 27-Aug-12 10:31:59

Thanks so much for your kind words and support. Right now it feels quite lonely as I moved to Nottingham to be with him 13 years ago and have set up my life around his family.

He's changed so much I don't know him and cannot believe how easy he's found it to lie over things- absolutely no integrity. My boys are 6yrs and 6mths. The 6yr old is finding it terribly difficult and has become very angry. My in laws though still helping with the kids are withdrawing from me after being my parents for so long. They struggle to deal with emotional things, just as my husband does.

How do I move the thread to the relationship section? X

OP’s posts: |
Shelly06 Mon 27-Aug-12 10:33:16

Ps he's been great at making me feel like I'm the reason he fell for someone else.

OP’s posts: |
steelchic Mon 27-Aug-12 17:12:07

Shelly06 I really feel for you and know what your going through.
My STBXH has re written history. We where together 14 years married 10, 3 DC'S. He left last year after becoming detached from me and kids for months. Turns out he had been planning to leave and he had OW (but made my life miserable for months. I think he was hoping I would tell him to go and then this would make him look like the victim) who just happened to meet someone else quickly - even although it had gone on for months. According to him we had been unhappy for years !!- (I think I must have been in a diffferent marriage, I can honestly say we were happy ok we had our ups and downs but more ups and I thought we would have grown old together).
His family have also withdrawn from me. Also they struggle with emotional stuff also as I,ve discovered "right from wrong". they have welcomed OW and their new GC (yes she had baby within months of him leaving) my DC'S are really struggling but hay ho has long as their darling son is happy they don't care about the devestation he has left behind. Anyway sorry enough about me.
I think cheaters cannot deal with the fall out of their actions so they fabricate things to try and justify what they have done. I'd love to know the stories he has told OW (probably the same things he told me about his EX W , when we got together - I was not the reason for their split they had been seperated for 2 years) but he still left her without a name since found out he cheated on her.
All I can say is keep posting on MN, it does help to know people have been in the same situation and know what you are going through.
Good luck x

onedev Mon 27-Aug-12 17:32:12

Report the thread & ask MN HQ to move it to Relationships (I think!).

I agree with the poster who says she thinks they can't deal with the fall out of their actions & therefore rewrite history - that's exactly what my dad did & in doing so, completely cut me & my DB out of his life. He was an amazing dad for 29 years & then changed beyond recognition.

I really am sorry you're going through this, but hopefully you'll find a way through & will be better off in the long run. All the best.

losingtrust Wed 29-Aug-12 20:24:14

It happened exactly the same with me. He was angry and then had a nervous breakdown despite him having affair (facebook checker here too). He is still on antidepressants. If he is angry with you it is because he is really angry with himself and venting and you are an easy target basically he is trying to blaim you to make himself feel better but you just need to accept that he wants out and get as quick as you can. The best thing you can do is stop entering any arguments and just stick to arrangements for the kids. He will come back and want your support later on if like mine and I just politely took myself out of any assistance. One year on, I am now doing well and he is deeply unhappy and trying his best to be my best friend but too late for me now and he needs to get the support from current woman. Stay strong, if it is any consolation he will get the flack from all angles and will try and defend himself as much as he possibly can to everybody that will listen but will still be seen as the man who left his Dcs while you get on with your life. I am really enjoying being single now and not having to put up with a moody man but he still has not recovered marriage break up because he walked straight into another relationship. Look after yourself and let him get on with his anger and do not take it personally - people who are angry are hurting themselves which is why they try and bring everybody else down. I am sure he is now living with regret.

JessicaLuis232 Sat 03-Sep-16 07:43:41

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Molly333 Mon 05-Dec-16 06:13:49

Those who can no longer control you , try to control how others think about you by trying to destroy your reputation .

Head held high every day because the truth comes out always does !

1974Nadia Sun 20-May-18 10:21:18

Shelly, what happened? This is just happening to me and I’m desperate. Did you reconcile?

Lorry123 Mon 21-May-18 11:40:07

This was my story exactly. Married for 8 years with 2 DC when husband announces he doesn't love me anymore and moves out - our heads were spinning - then of course the OW appears and it all becomes clear.

He continues to be read and abusive in all of his communication to me - which I now just ignore.

Read up about personality disorders, especially NPD. As soon as I worked out what I was dealing with my feelings all changed and now, two years on, I realise that I dodged a bullet.

Chumpnationrocks Sun 27-May-18 08:42:41

I'm sorry for you. It stinks doesn't it. Same thing happened to me after 25 years of marriage. He had an affair with a tarty neighbour then ran away in shame (and fear of her husband) My older kids don't want to know him anymore .. not that he's even tried to contact them. My youngest daughter is disabled and he's just walked away. Sees her once a month. I was such a family woman.. divorce was not for me, I was heart broken. Then a friend sent me 'Leave a cheater, gain a life' by Tracy Schorn aka 'Chumplady' I urge you to read it. She has a blog too. Her no nonsense approach and the support of other readers has helped me completely change my life. He was never going to change like I had convinced myself he would. He'd cheated before. We deserve better. So do you!
I never thought I would cope. But I'm loving my life again, I'm investing in myself, joined a gym with my daughters where we have fun and get fit together, we decluttered our lives and now just spend on shared experiences and making new memories. He is living with his parents. Sad, angry, single and lonely.

blueangel1 Mon 28-May-18 13:30:41

@steelchic - EXH also rewrote history. He told his teenage kids he was having an affair before I found out, which absolutely appalled me. He also took OW to see his mother within 3 hours of telling her he was going back to me.

I "made" him have an affair, and he also told two mutual friends he was only staying with me "as there was nothing better on offer". I threw him out the first time when I found out he was looking for flats with OW, then he convinced me he wanted to come back when she wouldn't leave her husband to be with him, and poor diddums didn't want to live on his own. I caught him out contacting her within a week and threw him out again.

OP - your DH is an arsehole and it sounds as though he's exhibiting exactly the same behaviours that my narcissistic ex did. You're well shot of him.

Ss770640 Mon 28-May-18 16:41:36

It’s not just blokes that do this.

My wife of 5 years, partner of 12 and mother of our 3 year old son has been sleeping with “her friend” at work lunchtimes. I read all the texts. Caught red handed. For the 2nd time in our relationship. The first was in year 4, the second 6 months ago (year 12). Those are the ones I know of.

After asking for a seperation last summer, told me she was unhappy but couldn’t explain why. Offered a flimsy “be a better husband and father” excuse but with no specifics. The old love you but not in love with you line. Apparently I didn’t meet her unknown expectations to change.

Fast forward to October, she gets a new job, new friends. She texted her “friend” constantly. Asked twice for a seperation in January this year. Funnily enough just weeks after her work Xmas party, where she suddenly changed her whatsapp photo from her/me to her/female friend.

Read her texts in February. Found out the truth. She was remorseful for about 3 days. I offered forgiveness so we can remain a family but she insisted on seperation to “find herself” ie sex with other men. The cruelty came afterwards by telling me I never satisfied her, was a bad father/husband, no longer attracted to me and her general attitude of relief and happyness / uncaring whilst I’m literally crying my eyes out coping with betrayal, infidelity, seperation and destruction of my family all at once. Not to mention financial ruin. I’ve literally taken her around the world, lived abroad, given her new friends and gave her a better job. Made her a nicer / less angry and richer person since we met. I’ve never shouted or been angry. My worst vice is a few drinks 7-9pm twice a week after my boy is in bed.

But now she’s gone into full blown teenage tantrum mode. Callous, uncaring, stonewalling, dismissive, insulting and the most attempts ever to blame shift and victim blame I have ever witnessed.

Did you know it was my fault that she had to take her pants off before I noticed our marital problems? She’s seperated, divorced and started a new relationship before I even knew we had real marital issues. I was blindsided and stabbed in the back.

Did you also know alll of the above is my fault because I wasn’t affectionate enough?

I actually think she’s had a mental break.

Incapable of admitting fault and criticising herself. Classic signs of narcissistic personality disorder.

All the signs were there. Criticism of even the smallest things (I gulp water too loudly), my wheels squeak (I use a manual wheelchair). Locking her phone guarding it more than her purse. Subtle warnings “you have no idea what’s about to happen”. Literally telling me she’s going to go back on the pill for the first time in 10 years for her “heavy periods”. The lies stack up. Even “my wedding rings are too loose to wear today” at work.

Literally she’s a different person. I asked her if it’s easier for her if I hated her. Which I don’t.

I made sure to find out who he was and now he knows all about me and our family. The guy is a serial affair bloke 15 years older than her. Done this 3 times with other married women. Lives in a caravan. Great catch there my wife. Enjoy your new home. I told her I knew everything about him. She freaked out at how I knew so much smile

The worst thing? She wants to be “best friends.”

My in laws? Not even a single message of support of what her daughter has done.

Her friends? (All 2 of them literally). Encouraged her to leave.

I’ve been through the grinder and 6 months in, 1 month after she moved out, I’m enjoying my own time with my son. Free of hassle, criticism, nagging, shouting and stonewalling. I no longer worry if the woman I love/loved is sleeping around on her lunch break.

Ss770640 Mon 28-May-18 16:49:10

Edit.

She also rewrote history.

Apparently I “should have taken paternity leave after the birth and not during.” Well sorry for wanting to witness my sons birth!

I was also “at the bar 6 nights a week” (I’d be dead if I was). Apparently I’m not allowed a six pack at home on my own (after visiting hours) to celebrate my sons arrival.

And during a miscarriage, I “didn’t offer enough support” despite being 10,000 miles away on my own earning to pay for a family home, 3 video calls a week. Yet she’s happy to pop the morning after pill with zero qualms. Twice in fact. Proven.

What other horrors are all my fault?

Ah yes. I didn’t work hard enough. Deserved to be sacked from a well paid job. Never spent time together (even though we were both out of work for 14 months together, oil price crash).

Cheaters will blame shift, victim blame and gaslight you into accepting blame.

Have none of it.

Bas27 Thu 31-May-18 22:56:13

I'm so sorry @Ss770640 that sounds more horrible than I can even imagine.

Op, this sounds like a common problem. My friend at work has just been through near enough the exact same thing. It's very recent so the OW is heavily suspected but not arrived on scene yet. My friend has two little girls one who just turned six and one who is three. The six year old thinks her daddy doesn't love her anymore and so is very sad all the time. The three year old doesn't understand but cries in the night and hits her mum saying that she wants her daddy. My friend is such a strong lady ❤️
I'm sure you are too.
This is not your fault.

Stbxh sounds despicable. Especially to do all that and be involved with someone else while you were pregnant with his child!!!! Good riddance.

fvyara Tue 05-Jun-18 17:09:28

Honestly I am shocked that there are so many stories like this! Unfortunately mi e is the same. My husband and I have been 14 years together since high-school. We always had ups and downs, it was never a smooth ride. Two years ago he fell for another woman, but nothing happened between them, I expected everything and decided to move on with the marriage. Our relationship became more honest, friendly and I thought we were ok. We have a 6 year old son and we wanted another baby, so now I am 8 months pregnant with our baby girl. But the old story is repeating now. A woman at his work, showed interest in him and one night he got drunk and I heard him talking to het, saying he want to have sex with her. Next morning I asked him straight what is going on and he told me everything. He said it is just sexual, that he wants to have sex with other people from time to time, but with every day it was clearer that he want more than that. Now every week he has one day that he spends with her. We are still together, we decided to stay that way until the baby is few months old. He is not abusive in any way, but God it hurts seeing every day how your husband is getting colder and colder towards me. And all I need now is a hug, a kiss, I am an emotional mess right now. I don't want him back, if he is capable to do this now when I am pregnant, he will do it again and again. He even has profiles in all the dating sites there is no doubt he wants another life without me. We live here alone with our son(We are not from U) , all our family are living in another country. I feel so lonely

1974Nadia Tue 10-Jul-18 12:30:44

@Ss770640 I am going through this, exactly, and I am so deeply unhappy I honestly wish I was dead. Is there any way of private messaging through this so those of us going through the same things can offer more direct support and chat?

Ss770640 Thu 19-Jul-18 18:51:55

Email me at randomname483212@gmail.com

Burner email address but I’ll reply

Ss770640 Thu 19-Jul-18 18:52:30

@1974Nadia

See my post above

itaallstuffed Mon 23-Jul-18 10:39:30

Hi I am also going through this

777Anne Wed 25-Jul-18 14:09:30

I just separated and he has ciontinued contact, I had to disconnect emotionally to protect my heart , he’s not my healer this go round. I quit drinking, im on my knees praying every morning, worshipping the Lord. I need to let him crash and that’s the only way he will possibly come back to God. I still want my marriage, so does he but he is not in control until he repents, he still can tell me what he did when I ask, it’s too painful for me that he won’t open up and talk so I need to let him go. This will play out but I will not stay married to him if he remains like this, I have a future and a hope.

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