How can my husband treat me so bad after admitting to an affair?

(12 Posts)
Shelly06 Sun 26-Aug-12 22:57:33

Hi Ladies, I'm new to all this so excuse me if I waffle. I'm looking for advice, support and somewhere to vent on what feels like a nightmare right now.

I'm a mother of two that had been with my husband for 13 years, married for almost 7, when he dropped the bombshell that we'd grown apart and he was leaving me to be on his own. That he cared for me but wasn't in love with me anymore. This was 5 weeks after I'd had our second son. I was devastated and knew something was suspicious as I'd sensed a real change in his behaviours towards me the last six months of my pregnancy.

To cut a long story short I hacked into his Facebook to uncover the truth that he was madly in love with a work colleague he'd known for about 4-5 years. Turned out she was a woman he'd mentioned was into him two/three years previously but I'd not thought much to it, thinking he'd never be the type to cheat.

Well, it now explains a lot about the unexpected arguments we'd been having, his moodiness and distance over the last year. I uncovered the truth in Apr and since then he's been back and forth between us - one minute saying he realises he belongs with me and the kids only to be cheating on
Me with her a week later. This last time was the final straw and he's moved out for good to his parents, leaving me in a huge house he convinced me to sign for in Jan knowing full well he was with her.

My question is around how he can be so cold and callous toward me now after everything he's put me and my six year old through. He says mean things and shows no concern. Wish I could take a pill to take away my feelings and not care that she'll soon replace me in his family - most of which I have been really close to not having such strong bonds with my own. I'm so worried for mine and the kids future and cannot understand the anger he has toward me. It's like after 13 years he just wants to erase me and the fact he cannot really annoys him! sad x

DorisIsWaiting Sun 26-Aug-12 23:10:04

didn't want your thread to go unanswered, but you are not alone.

I don't know whether you have seen the relationships section but there are a huge number of women who could have written your post. (They also have great ideas on how to deal with it), most men seem to follow a fairly similar routed with affairs, the unexepected attitude changes, then the i don't love you anymore we've grown apart before oh yes I was having an afair...

Can I suggest you ask for your thread to moved relationships or repost there, as there is a huge amount of support and experience.

PandaSpaniel Sun 26-Aug-12 23:17:27

What a callous bastard!

How old is your little baby?

How can he justify leaving a six year old and a baby and then be angry at you??

If his family are at all decent they will support you even though you are not together.

I don't know what to say really. I think you need to look at practical things such as making sure you and your children are financially secure and you need to cut ties with him as much as possible. He is taking you for a mug, don't have him back, you deserve so much better. Is he wanting to see your children? He sounds like a very manipulative person, has he ever abused you physically or emotionally?

onedev Sun 26-Aug-12 23:40:44

I sorry as I don't have anything useful to add, but what I will say is that I think they behave that way to avoid how much they've actually caused pain (don't ask me why). My dad did something very similar to my mum after 30 years of marriage.

It's horrible & incomprehensible & I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree that there's a wealth of support on the Relationships board & i'm sure you'll find great support there.

All the very best & fwiw, you're better off without him. I'm sure it's hard to see that right now, but you will. You deserve better & you're strong enough to find it. Good luck.

PandaSpaniel Mon 27-Aug-12 00:00:20

Hope you find the support you need on the relationship board.

I know it wont feel like it now but you are so much better off without him. I know it hurts, I have recently split from my 6 month olds dad. Not a day goes by without me questioning myself what I could have done differently, even though he was the one (emotionally) abusing me.

You deserve better.

Shelly06 Mon 27-Aug-12 10:31:59

Thanks so much for your kind words and support. Right now it feels quite lonely as I moved to Nottingham to be with him 13 years ago and have set up my life around his family.

He's changed so much I don't know him and cannot believe how easy he's found it to lie over things- absolutely no integrity. My boys are 6yrs and 6mths. The 6yr old is finding it terribly difficult and has become very angry. My in laws though still helping with the kids are withdrawing from me after being my parents for so long. They struggle to deal with emotional things, just as my husband does.

How do I move the thread to the relationship section? X

Shelly06 Mon 27-Aug-12 10:33:16

Ps he's been great at making me feel like I'm the reason he fell for someone else.

steelchic Mon 27-Aug-12 17:12:07

Shelly06 I really feel for you and know what your going through.
My STBXH has re written history. We where together 14 years married 10, 3 DC'S. He left last year after becoming detached from me and kids for months. Turns out he had been planning to leave and he had OW (but made my life miserable for months. I think he was hoping I would tell him to go and then this would make him look like the victim) who just happened to meet someone else quickly - even although it had gone on for months. According to him we had been unhappy for years !!- (I think I must have been in a diffferent marriage, I can honestly say we were happy ok we had our ups and downs but more ups and I thought we would have grown old together).
His family have also withdrawn from me. Also they struggle with emotional stuff also as I,ve discovered "right from wrong". they have welcomed OW and their new GC (yes she had baby within months of him leaving) my DC'S are really struggling but hay ho has long as their darling son is happy they don't care about the devestation he has left behind. Anyway sorry enough about me.
I think cheaters cannot deal with the fall out of their actions so they fabricate things to try and justify what they have done. I'd love to know the stories he has told OW (probably the same things he told me about his EX W , when we got together - I was not the reason for their split they had been seperated for 2 years) but he still left her without a name since found out he cheated on her.
All I can say is keep posting on MN, it does help to know people have been in the same situation and know what you are going through.
Good luck x

onedev Mon 27-Aug-12 17:32:12

Report the thread & ask MN HQ to move it to Relationships (I think!).

I agree with the poster who says she thinks they can't deal with the fall out of their actions & therefore rewrite history - that's exactly what my dad did & in doing so, completely cut me & my DB out of his life. He was an amazing dad for 29 years & then changed beyond recognition.

I really am sorry you're going through this, but hopefully you'll find a way through & will be better off in the long run. All the best.

losingtrust Wed 29-Aug-12 20:24:14

It happened exactly the same with me. He was angry and then had a nervous breakdown despite him having affair (facebook checker here too). He is still on antidepressants. If he is angry with you it is because he is really angry with himself and venting and you are an easy target basically he is trying to blaim you to make himself feel better but you just need to accept that he wants out and get as quick as you can. The best thing you can do is stop entering any arguments and just stick to arrangements for the kids. He will come back and want your support later on if like mine and I just politely took myself out of any assistance. One year on, I am now doing well and he is deeply unhappy and trying his best to be my best friend but too late for me now and he needs to get the support from current woman. Stay strong, if it is any consolation he will get the flack from all angles and will try and defend himself as much as he possibly can to everybody that will listen but will still be seen as the man who left his Dcs while you get on with your life. I am really enjoying being single now and not having to put up with a moody man but he still has not recovered marriage break up because he walked straight into another relationship. Look after yourself and let him get on with his anger and do not take it personally - people who are angry are hurting themselves which is why they try and bring everybody else down. I am sure he is now living with regret.

JessicaLuis232 Sat 03-Sep-16 07:43:41

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Molly333 Mon 05-Dec-16 06:13:49

Those who can no longer control you , try to control how others think about you by trying to destroy your reputation .

Head held high every day because the truth comes out always does !

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