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Partners wife has gone crazy...

(130 Posts)
Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 10:09:22

I've never posted on anything like this before - but guess I'm really after some advice from people who have been through this, thoughts as a 3rd party as to what to do here. My partner finally left his wife of 16 years in January after the marriage had broken down. For nearly 2 years previous they had had separate bedrooms. They had tried to separate before but decided to give it a try for the sake of the children (who are now 14 and 11) but it simply didn't work. I know I only ever hear his side of the story but it seems she is a bully, abusive, controlling and not very nice.. she told him time and time again that she didn't want him and were it not for the children they would not be together. Life is short and he finally found the courage to leave. This was in fact after he had met me.. so I have no doubt that this made leaving easier but I honestly don't think I was the reason he left his wife. We are now 7 months on and he has just told her that he is in another relationship. She has continued to make his life a misery, stop him seeing the children, keeps saying she doesn't want the children, won't proceed with the divorce etc etc.. but now .. on hearing there is another woman involved she has scaled up. She is threatening to find out who I am and to come and harm me (she stalked his girlfriend previous to her to the point where the police had to get involved... and this was someone he had left for her!!!!). I have a 5 year old daughter and live alone with her. I am nervous at the best of times living alone and do not want to spend my life worried that a crazy ex-wife is going to come and harm me and my little girl. I feel trapped as I love him dearly.. have never felt like this and we are so so happy. I dream of a simple life with an extended family..but she has already started work on turning his children against him, saying he would rather spend time with me than them.. which simply is not true. It's all such a mess. I do feel for her.. but their marriage was over.. they were not happy at all. I have a husband from whom I separated at a similar time and we are totally civil.. we still eat together with our little girl sometimes and he can talk to me about his new relationship. Has anyone else any similar experiences or advice?? Thanks for reading.. sorry it was rather long!

FiveMonths Wed 15-Aug-12 08:37:31

You've made me remember something my ex said - and it was in the context of things moving very fast, even faster than the OP's situation.

It was when we were talking about having a baby. He said if we had six children, we would get a massive council house and live for nothing. He was genuinely excited about this.

I didn't take it very seriously, as he worked full time, but there were other signs he wanted to move in with me - he asked for a key, I didn't give him one. He wanted to bring all his stuff here - I didn't let him.
And at the same time, he wanted NOT to move in because then he would be asked to support me, and he thought the government were doing that fine thankyou, without him having to worry about it.

the fact I was thoroughly unhappy and ashamed about being on benefit, wanted to start working asap, and hated the idea of having more children just to get 'free stuff' didn't wash with him - he was full of 'get that idea out of your head, you're not going out to work' and let's take what we can get, basically.

He was horrible.
I believed he was being honest with me about nearly everything - it turned out there was SO much under the surface. The things he told me that put him in a less favourable light were not open admissions of everything. they were the tip of the HUGE iceberg.

please be careful - yes, he might be genuine, but chances are he is not entirely honest. just keep your wits about you. People (on here and IRL) said to me, he is lying, you're being foolish - I thought 'how dare you say those things - how can you know?'
And they didn't know for sure - but they were right sad

FiveMonths Wed 15-Aug-12 08:44:14

But the main thing that stands out to me from your situation, is this:

He is still heavily involved with her.

I don't mean he is shagging her, or living with her or anything like that. I mean he is arguing with her.

this is massive. It is a huge attachment. It is still a relationship - albeit a perverse and dysfunctional one.
He has never walked away from it. He is allowing it, he is engaging with her, and he is not protecting you.

Basically, you are an accessory to their ongoing relationship - they are so deeply entangled that I doubt they will ever be free of each other. They could be - if theywanted to it is easy enough to disengage.

But they choose to be entangled. I would be stepping away till he is genuinely on his own and has very little to do with her - no arguing, no dissing, no upset.
All the time these things are happening, you are very much on the peripheries - you're not very relevant. Its not about you.

Does that make any sense? He is still putting her as his priority in the mental and emotional energy she takes up, because to him, she is more important than you are.

And should you walk away from him I have no doubt he would go straight back to her in the other way as well. He's trying to maintain a three legged relationship, atm, and both of you are necessary...if you get out of it, he will need to go right back to her in every way. He's using you both.

EdithWeston Wed 15-Aug-12 09:02:25

And as the children are teenagers, they'll be exercising their own judgement. I doubt very much she will be "turning them against" anyone. They'll have decided if their Dad's been a shit all by themselves.

He doesn't want you to meet them at all, but if you do and if they start telling home truths about their father's walkout he wants you to think a) it's unreliable because of 'mad woman' and b) it's Not His Fault. He knows you don't yet have experience of just how blunt a miserable teen can be, nor how difficult to rein in.

Of course, if you have met them and they, though understandably quite hostile, generally back up what their father says, then you have your first real evidence.

BTW: you do need to ask what the "police involvement" was. Arrests? Cautions? Charges? Do you know him well enough to be sure he doesn't exaggerate for effect?

MorrisZapp Wed 15-Aug-12 09:11:11

I don't see what's wrong with having plans to move in with somebody you've known for 8 months.

It may well be the case that the DP here is a lying loser, but I can't help thinking he's being found guilty on scant evidence.

I just see it as one rule for wives, another for not-wives. Is it ok to fall for your wife and plan to move in after 8 months? Of course it is. But if its a not-wife, 8 months is nothing and you're an idiot to get so involved etc.

Lots of peoples exes are genuinely a nightmare, we see evidence if it every day on here.

I'd advise the OP to be very careful, and to step back from the messy ex stuff. But at the same time, calling people idiots and losers just seems wrong to me.

EdithWeston Wed 15-Aug-12 09:20:36

I think you'll find that no-one would much criticise someone moving in with an unattached man (never married/divorced or at least verifiably separated/widowed).

The snag is here that he was married and living with his wife at the time.

It is never (OK vanishingly rarely) a good idea to move straight from one long term relationship to another. The advice on MN is pretty consistent: if you are unhappy, then leave without involving any third parties, stand on your own two feet for a while, then move on properly.

OP hasn't had the reassurance of a normal courtship, and what her adulterer is telling her is so similar to what adulterers all too often say. This is not (yet) a good basis for co-habitation.

FiveMonths Wed 15-Aug-12 09:27:46

Morris, I know what you're saying - and I wouldn't dream of saying this man is an idiot or loser or anything else, for certain. I don't know him or his motives.

The thing I have trouble with is the fact he is still so tied up with his ex wife.

That's something that can't be ignored, he's heavily involved in that relationship still, and therefore to take further steps such as moving in with him and so on will only exacerbate this problem, he will be bringing it with him - he hasn't properly left the ex, yet.

Not in his mind. He is still very attached I think. That for the OP is very bad news and a recipe for disaster as she is being used all this time as an adjunct, as someone to eitehr facilitate his moving on from the ex, or to facilitate his not moving on but continuing to invest in arguing with her.

You don't argue with someone unless you feel it is a worthwhile investment. If you didn't care, or weren't attached to them you just wouldn't bother.

Happylander Wed 15-Aug-12 09:39:54

These posts are just ringing so true about my Ex. My inheritance went, my savings went, I took loans out to cover his debts and pay his solicitors fees from the the first wife all thinking what a horrible woman his first wife was for putting him through everything. He wanted us to move straight in together and we had a baby (happy accident) very very early on. I paid for pretty much everything apart from half the bills.

mathanxiety you are spot on and have clarified a few things in my own relationship with Ex and how it ended so thank you.

OP please listen as these posts are very helpful and I wish I had had this advise when I met Ex as I would have run a mile. I have been on both sides now and I think you should tread very very carefully.

DoingItForMyself Wed 15-Aug-12 09:42:41

This man lived with her for 16 years, has two children with her and yet he has managed to keep your relationship a secret from her for 8 months, but you refuse to believe that he is lying about any of this?!

Its the script. The ex is always a psycho nutter, the marriage is always over, separate beds/no sex (this is usually at about the exact time they are promising the W that they will go to counselling and give it one last shot to try and make the marriage work).

MrsJREwing Wed 15-Aug-12 09:45:04

Just a quick question. I was the ex wife, he has left me alone now for about a year, since he became a dad again, he spent years after the split at me. I am about to move he hasn't seen the kids in years. Will he stay away or want to know our new address.

MorrisZapp Wed 15-Aug-12 09:51:00

No sex life after 16 years and two kids doesn't sound like a script to me. It sounds like the reality of many, many people's lives, happy or not.

I also don't understand why the DP here is getting slated simply for having plans to cohabit in the future. I wouldn't enter into a relationship at my age with anybody who didn't have cohabitation on their radar for some point in the future.

I understand the points being made here, and I agree with some of them. I guess to an extent I'm playing devils advocate. But you know, change the genders and it all looks v different.

FiveMonths Wed 15-Aug-12 09:55:26

MrsJRE, you don't have to give him your new address. You could also ask other people not to - it depends, he might try to find out, but he might not. I wouldn't be handing it to him on a plate though.

FiveMonths Wed 15-Aug-12 09:57:10

Morris - it looks no different to me, if you swap the genders around, purely from the fact that the person in question it not detached from their ex spouse and the ex spouse is being mentioned and discussed and fought with all the time.

I'd not think that person was ready to enter into a new relationship at all, whether it was a woman or a man.

wordfactory Wed 15-Aug-12 09:57:23

This man left his DC in the care of an unstable women?
Either he doesn't give a shit about them or he is lying.

piprabbit Wed 15-Aug-12 09:58:25

I am glad that you have found the strength to move on fro your own unhappy marriage. However I strongly feel that you should take some time to be on your own, find out what you really want from life and future partners and adjust to your new situation. Tell your partner that you need him to sort out his own life before you can start building something new together.

At the moment it sounds like you've jumped out of your own unhappy marriage straight into the middle of someone else's unhappy marriage. sad.

MrsJREwing Wed 15-Aug-12 10:00:12

I am not telling anyone my new address. He would have to work to get it, he is likely personality disordered, in court documents he he saw a psychiatrist after deprestion who diagnosed adjustment disorder, it said after six months it was a personality disorder, he was claiming in court documents years later he was still having treatment. I suspect his therapist got him to leave us alone.

pumpkinsweetie Wed 15-Aug-12 10:10:55

This all sounds like the typical bullshit most men tell their new gf about their wife....
Bet none of it is true, and if it was then why the hell is he letting her look after the children if she is so 'insane'confused

Men like to make up these stories to make the ex the enemy and to excuse their adulterous behaviour

MorrisZapp Wed 15-Aug-12 10:14:21

FiveMonths, life isn't that simple when you have kids together.

My lovely sister has been split from her ex for over ten years, yet he still causes aggro on a regular basis. That isn't because of my sisters failure to disengage, its because she had the misfortune to have a child with a complete idiot.

Even though she was totally over him, her DP after him gave up and left her as he couldn't face the hassle any more.

Her current DP is much more understanding, as he has a child with via nightmare ex too.

Why should people have to remain single because their ex is an arsehole? Would you advise a woman with a dreadful ex not to attempt to move on and find happiness until her ex had stopped causing problems? My sisters DS is a teenager and there's no sign yet of ex getting a grip.

FiveMonths Wed 15-Aug-12 10:16:42

I see what you mean Morris.

Fairenuff Wed 15-Aug-12 10:21:16

Let's be clear here, his wife has not made any threats towards you op.

MorrisZapp Wed 15-Aug-12 10:27:27

Oh bless you fivemonths.

I should say, my sisters ex isn't abusive, he's just a waster. He has alcohol problems, all sorts of problems in fact. I feel sorry for him because his heart is usually in the right place, but he is a world class screw-up. He has ruined so many things that should have been great for my sister. He means well but he hasn't the strength of character to put his DD first, although he loves her with all his heart.

It's the only fly in the ointment of our lovely family life.

Capaccino Wed 15-Aug-12 10:46:34

MorrisZapp.. thank you so much for injecting a little bit of fairness into this thread! I had actually given up on it as it seems that people on here seem to take their own situations and assume that everyone one else on the planet must be similar! Everyone that is going on about money etc etc is barking right up the wrong tree... he is actually quite wealthy and generous and certainly that is in no way part of what is going on here. FiveMonths, whilst I don't agree with much that you say I do see you have a valid point in him still being involved with his ex. To be honest - he has always ignored her constant attempt at arguements since he left. He has been consistent and has never wavered on his message to her - that their marriage is over and he wants to leave. Thing is, with two children, a house to sell, access to sort out etc etc it is actually really impossible to just totally remove himself from the situation. He doesn't want to lose touch with the children, needs to communicate with the ex to get their house sold and finances split.. much easier said than done to not get embroiled in the arguments. I may have caused some misunderstanding on the child abuse... she is not a child abuser.. she just has anger management issues which he has witnessed happening with the children before now. I don't think he thinks his children are at risk.. of course he would not let that happen. Anyway.. thanks again MorrisZapp for pointing out how somehow being a wife seems to put you in a totally different view point than being a new woman..

MrsJREwing Wed 15-Aug-12 11:01:15

In a hearing where chenge of residence was discussed, funny my exfound every excuse under the sun to not have that happen, he was happy for the kids to live with any extended family member, he couldn't take them on himself, raised eyebrows in court and kids stayed with me, shame judge, barristers, cafcass changed after that.

MrsJREwing Wed 15-Aug-12 11:04:04

She is crazy, you are scared of her, she is unstable around kids. Now she's not. .. ummm imagination and drama overdrive much?

pinklantern Wed 15-Aug-12 11:17:40

There is absolutely no point in any of us responding to this thread as the OP is in complete self-denial and has even found herself a counsellor who is willing to reinforce that position with the classic 'we are not responsible for other peoples happiness' crap. OP for your information I am not seeing your post through the lense of any previous personal experience I've had, I am not a scorned wife, I've never been the other woman, I'm just a functional happy person with healthy intimate relationships who sees the vast array of red flags you are choosing to ignore. You may perceive that some people have been harsh on this thread but it is only because we don't want you, or your child, to be hurt. Please reflect on what is being said here.

caramelwaffle Wed 15-Aug-12 11:21:13

So your story has completely changed.

As he is so wealthy there should be no issue with him not living at his mothers anymore. He can rent/buy a property completely seperate from his wife, mother and you (somewhere suitable for his children to reside)

Why the certainty and rush about him living in your house? Do you need his money to sustain you after your divorce comes through?

Is there anything actually wrong with living separately and dating for a year or two?

Is the ex wife a danger to their children or not? Should she be investigated and placed under arrest for child cruelty and also harrassment to you? Has she actually communicated with you in any manner?

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