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Partners wife has gone crazy...

(130 Posts)
Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 10:09:22

I've never posted on anything like this before - but guess I'm really after some advice from people who have been through this, thoughts as a 3rd party as to what to do here. My partner finally left his wife of 16 years in January after the marriage had broken down. For nearly 2 years previous they had had separate bedrooms. They had tried to separate before but decided to give it a try for the sake of the children (who are now 14 and 11) but it simply didn't work. I know I only ever hear his side of the story but it seems she is a bully, abusive, controlling and not very nice.. she told him time and time again that she didn't want him and were it not for the children they would not be together. Life is short and he finally found the courage to leave. This was in fact after he had met me.. so I have no doubt that this made leaving easier but I honestly don't think I was the reason he left his wife. We are now 7 months on and he has just told her that he is in another relationship. She has continued to make his life a misery, stop him seeing the children, keeps saying she doesn't want the children, won't proceed with the divorce etc etc.. but now .. on hearing there is another woman involved she has scaled up. She is threatening to find out who I am and to come and harm me (she stalked his girlfriend previous to her to the point where the police had to get involved... and this was someone he had left for her!!!!). I have a 5 year old daughter and live alone with her. I am nervous at the best of times living alone and do not want to spend my life worried that a crazy ex-wife is going to come and harm me and my little girl. I feel trapped as I love him dearly.. have never felt like this and we are so so happy. I dream of a simple life with an extended family..but she has already started work on turning his children against him, saying he would rather spend time with me than them.. which simply is not true. It's all such a mess. I do feel for her.. but their marriage was over.. they were not happy at all. I have a husband from whom I separated at a similar time and we are totally civil.. we still eat together with our little girl sometimes and he can talk to me about his new relationship. Has anyone else any similar experiences or advice?? Thanks for reading.. sorry it was rather long!

zippey Tue 14-Aug-12 17:28:14

Her anger, if she has any is directed at her ex. I know ex has slated her but I always think there are 2 sides to every angle, unless it is a triangle.

Hopefully though you wont have anything to fear. I like your attitude, that its too short a life to have enemies. If you stay with your your partner, she will also be a part of your life, since they have children together. So I do think arranging a meeting, in a resteraunt, maybe with the kids, isnt a bad idea, as long as everyone is willing.

Littlefish Tue 14-Aug-12 17:57:43

Were you involved with him before he left the family home?

Portofino Tue 14-Aug-12 19:51:28

Have you met his mother? Visited him there?

Portofino Tue 14-Aug-12 19:53:34

Were you involved with him before he left his wife and before you left your DH? I am not coming at this from a judgemental view, just it does make a difference on what advice you get, and what his motivations might be.

Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 20:42:35

We did meet eachother before either of us left our spouses. Both our marriages were over. My biggest regret is not having the strength and bravery to 'go it alone' .. I agree that without meeting this other man I probably wouldn't have had the strength to break out. But I wasn't happy. I had a few months seeing a therapist to help me deal with the feelings of guilty I had over this. I guess we don't always behave in life how we would if we were to write a text book about how we would like to be. That's something I have to live with and I do. His marriage was over more than mine.. they hadn't slept in the same bed for nearly 2 years.. she had told him to leave on a number of occassions, she had physically abused him even (again.. I know some of you will say that is all just him making it up... but as I have said before.. I do believe him... don't think men are ALWAYS the baddies!). And yes.. I have met his mother and visited him there. I didn't talk in depth about the situation with her, but she did say that neither of them were happy and she is pleased that he has made steps to move on from where he was.

OhNoMyFoot Tue 14-Aug-12 20:50:29

Why is it she should be understanding and yet you were so racked with guilt you had to have couselling. Personally I think you need to be abit more generous, she's been left after all his promises when he left someone for her.

Had you mentioned meeting her before the threats were made?

Have you meet his family and friends?

coppertop Tue 14-Aug-12 20:58:18

I can't for the life of me understand why he would tell you about the threats.

The only thing I can come up with is that he wants you to be worried about living alone so that you'll ask him to move in sooner.

Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 21:01:33

I don't expect her to be understanding... just don't expect her to threaten me or make my life a misery just because the marriage she had with the man didn't work out. We can't be responsible for other people's happiness. Maybe I've jumped the gun.. she hasn't actually threatened me.. just threatened to find me to him and has been very angry and as I said before has stalked previously. I guess I should try and empathise more and see what happens. I felt sad and panicky earlier which is why I leaped onto this site for the first time.. sometimes good to hear from people who are outside of your circle of friends.

Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 21:04:15

I think he tells me about the threats because he is genuinely worried about what she may do. She has hit him before - and hit the children before... the police got involved before when she was stalking an ex girlfriend of his that had had no involvement in their relationship.. I think he feels responsible for me being fearful but doesn't want to lie to me and doesn't know what she is capable of.

MorrisZapp Tue 14-Aug-12 21:32:31

I think OP has been treated unfairly here. Is it so hard to believe that somebody would stay in an unhappy marriage? The relationship threads are full of people unhappy in LTRs but unable or unwilling to leave.

They are also full of people whose sex lives has dwindled or vanished. Mine has and I'm in a happy LTR so why is it so hard to believe that when a man leaves a woman, their sex life had been rubbish for a while?

He was married for 16 years, and has now moved on. It's hardly enough evidence to call him the unfaithful type, or to say that he'll cheat again.

OP, you need to let your DP deal with this. As others have said, you haven't been directly threatened.

MrsJREwing Tue 14-Aug-12 21:43:19

He will do the same and say the same about you one day. I wasn't well I had a physical condition that caused me to have memory problems, anxiety and depression, that's why I lived with an abusive arse, and I would love to know what it is that kept your man with abusive crazy ex wife and what attracted you to such a married father?

AnyFucker Tue 14-Aug-12 21:48:53

oh, that poor martyred man

my heart bleeds for him, it truly does

it must be awful having 2 women fighting over him and calling each other terrible names

somedayillbesaturdaynite Tue 14-Aug-12 21:54:39

coppertop is spot on. he is trying to engineer to move into your home sooner than later, as you'd planned. tbh, you don't even KNOW any threats have been made towards you by his ex...

through the posts the red flags come flying out "she has even hit the kids before." Any decent parent (male or female) would at the very least be battling it out in court for full custody and have social services on their ex's doorstep if that were remotely true. If he has parental responsibilty and it were true he would have his dc living in his mother's house with him and be letting his ex take him to court. very telling indeed that his actions aren't backing up the tales he's spinning hmm

MrsJREwing Tue 14-Aug-12 22:01:58

Don't tell her that, he will have to see through his lies and he will put in false social services reports and court cases, those poor kids.

Happylander Tue 14-Aug-12 22:02:27

I met my Ex not long after he had left his wife or so I thought anyway. I was told there marriage was over, they had split and he only stayed in the house at weekends to see his daughter. That she was nasty to him, mentally unstable, adulterous, selfish, lazy and a terrible mother. I believed him as I thought he was being honest about everything. I thought that her behaviour when she found out he was seeing me was down to her psycho personality. Last year I found out that he had got back together with his ex at the time he met me and they had actually been working at their marriage but by the time I found this out (by accident fromm an email her solicitor had sent to his) we had a child and a mortgage and he talked his way out of it.

In October he left me because I was nasty...actually just read the description of his first wife. Said there was no one else involved blah blah 2 days after leaving me he had his christmas holiday booked with OW rather than spend time with his children he chose OW. I am now made out to be the psycho just like his first wife because I have a go at him for not turning up to see DS however, what he tells people is I stop him. I don't as I want a break and to have a bit of a life that doesn't involve work and a toddler.

Be warned he is telling you what you want to hear.

Happylander Tue 14-Aug-12 22:03:58

My Ex also said his first wife hit the kids by the way. I very much doubt she ever did.

somedayillbesaturdaynite Tue 14-Aug-12 22:13:16

sorry mrsjr i didn't think i wont be offended if you want to report blush however the crucial point was the 'if it were true' part. the fact his actions say different shows he's most prob lying through his teeth. at the dc's ages i would think it came down to whatever they said (was much harder trying to disprove such allegations when mine were toddlers)

caramelwaffle Tue 14-Aug-12 22:24:36

I feel Capaccino MrsJREwing is on to something there.

I also feel someday is probably correct and letting you know what this is all leading up to: he is engineering a move in to your home (feet under the table and all that)

Don't answer the following out loud here if you don't feel it, however I'll ask the questions never the less:

Do you own your own home?

Do you have a good income? Maintenance? Independent income?

Is he expecting you to accept "a couple of hundred pounds a month" to live at yours - as opposed to having to pay full rent/bills at his own home?

Will you be providing full housekeeping services for him?

Are you generally known as a "nice" woman who'll generally stay at home whilst letting her "man" have free rein to "go out and do his own thing without complaint"?

Do you stay at home a lot because you have a young daughter?

Will he be childminding your daughter for you, alone, at any time whilst you work/shop/socialise? If no, why not? Does your love for him include trusting him to bring no harm to your daughter? (How long have you known him)

How prepared are to to co-parent - as a step parent - with a woman who wants to "kill you"?

Will you consider official family mediation for the three of you?

When will their children be staying with you? Weekdays? Weekends? One week at her house? One week at your house?

If you were not on the scene, what would his plans be with regards his housing/job/income? Would he simply stay at his mothers until another suitable woman came along?

Why could he not live separately from you?

It is your life - however of more consideration, it is your child's life.

Do take time to consider these questions very carefully.

MrsJREwing Tue 14-Aug-12 22:25:11

My feeling is this particular man is telling what is being enjoyed. The joint game between the two and their delusion could hurt innocent people.

MrsJREwing Tue 14-Aug-12 22:30:44

Yes I am on to it as it two people did that to my babies and me.

bloodyfurious Tue 14-Aug-12 22:31:18

tbf, and give some balance, DHs ex is absolutely of the wall and always has been

its been 9 years since she met OM and she is still furious he had the balls to leave her and she makes their DCs pay for it

OhNoMyFoot Wed 15-Aug-12 03:16:15

We can't be responsible for other people's happiness

I agree, however you can be responsible for other peoples unhappiness. All we are saying is that it is still earlier days. You don't know him that we'll yet. You don't know his friends and family. You've only heard any of this from him. Yes everyone has to trust what their partner tells them, but not blindly. Please do bear in mind what you have been told here.

Do people who start out meeting when still with someone make it? Yes some do, plenty don't though and usually for reasons already given. Please don't dismiss everything that has been said, save this thread, use it to help prevent you from being in her position.

mathanxiety Wed 15-Aug-12 05:40:26

'Despite all you saying how there are big red flags, I have spent a lot of time with him and I do wholeheartedly believe and trust him.. he has never given me any reason to think otherwise.'
Sorry to be blunt (actually, not very sorry at all) but you are an idiot if you believe this man whom you have known only since the beginning of the year. It has only been what, 8 months?

He doesn't want to lie to you? hahaha. My guess is that every single thing about this relationship with you is a lie.

He doesn't know what she is capable of? ... He doesn't want you to ever be tempted to meet this woman and compare notes.

Every single thing he has said, that you have swallowed hook, line and sinker, looks like a crock of hooey to me. He is slandering this woman in order to make himself look good, patient and long suffering and interested in the welfare of his children, possibly to project his own faults and his own personal need to end the relationship onto her, certainly to flatter you into thinking you are The One who has saved him. It is also done to test your loyalty to him -- any questioning of his story at all will be met with 'Whose side are you on?' And finally, he is dishing you up his version of reality for the sheer pleasure of establishing mind control.

Do you feel flattered that you are so different from the ex?
Do you believe you are the one who can heal him and give him what he needs in a relationship?
What makes you so special that he finally got up the courage to make the break when he had met you?
You are being love bombed. It's like being lured into a car by a stranger offering sweets.

'the plan is that he would eventually move in here with me.'
If you now feel that you are planning a future together you are being even more of an idiot. He is going way too fast. You are being used.

Attachment and plans for the future have progressed too fast. You have both attached far too fast.
He is planning to sponge off you.

He is no saint but basically the end of the relationship is all his ex's fault and she is an utter monster who even slaps the children.
She is a psycho/stalker/bitch.
He waited until he met you before he made the break from his nightmarish life (yeah right)
Narcissists and psychopaths and sociopaths routinely devalue their former partners once they have moved on.
They move on fast.
They triangulate -- you mentioned you had met the wife and his reports about her personality are clearly designed to involve her in your relationship.

Disordered individuals can't just leave one relationship and move on. It is necessary for them to demolish the former target of their affections and what they once represented to him. This is what is happening here.

The things he is saying about his former wife far exceed the bounds of normalcy. Something is seriously wrong here.

Probably no point saying any of this -- you are clearly head over heels infatuated with this loser.

iscream Wed 15-Aug-12 06:38:48

"but finally felt for the sake of his own happiness he couldn't any longer"
If I had been him, I would stay for my childrens sake, rather than leave them with a so called unstable person. Or else I would get a divorce and try for custody.
I think you would be smart to cool it until his divorce is final. You are only hearing his side of the story. Separate bedrooms means nothing, it could be a matter of snoring.
I really think if I were you, that I would not rush into anything. There are 3 children involved in this, please tread with caution.

Springhasarrived Wed 15-Aug-12 07:59:20

Brilliant post MathAnxiety. Take heed OP, especially for your DD.

My advice would also be do not make any attempt so soon to contact the DW. She will have no interest yet in being remotely friendly/cooperative with the person who she will no doubt at the moment perceive to be the reason for the break up of her marriage

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