My husband and I have been married for 15 years. 10 of which we lived in South Africa. I owned the house in SA and he moved in when we married. Our relationship has been rocky throughout our marriage. My husband paid most of the bills in S.A. but not for the actual house which was already fully paid up and furnished when he moved in. He was never interested in the house itself and one day after he had been looking for work for a few short months and still hadn't found anything, decided he wanted to go overseas. In my stupidity obviously, my thoughts were, you go where your husband wants to go. So I sold the house, left my entire family and all friends Id ever known to relocate to the U.K.
Shortly after our arrival, I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with an old girlfirend online, through his private FB messaging. I did not even know she existed, he never once mentioned my name and they would message each other for hours day and night, and this went on for months, talking like love-sick teenagers, getting to know each other all over again, complimenting each other, throwing little sexual inuendos, things you just don't say to a 'friend'. I was devastated to learn the attention I had begged and pleaded for in over 10 years, he's response would be that 'Im just not made that way, Im not attentive, Im not sexual', was being transferred to another woman. When I confronted my husband about this, he went crazy telling me that I had invaded his privacy. Then later he would say they were just friends, (clearly not), and that he had dont nothing wrong, that it was quite normal for male and female friends to communicate with each other this way even when you are in a relationship or married, I said I have many male friends too, all of which he knew about, we talked about family, work and the weather,why on earth would I talk to them this way let alone spend that much time and energy on a male friend. I asked him if they were just friends, why did he never once mention my name in over 4 months, he responded by saying 'we decided we weren't going to bring family into it'. When I told him 'if you claim to just be friends, perhaps her husband can joing in on the conversation', he said 'you just want to ruin her life'. Huh? Clearly he felt trapped and guilty. Not only was I devastated at the betrayal of him breaking the emotional bond between two people who make a comitment for life to each other, but he further defended her honor and made excuses for her too. I showed some online psychologist the conversation my husband had with this other woman and they advised that this was more damaging and detrimental to a marriage than just having a one night stand.
Having lost the only home Id known, having left my entire family behind and moved to another country, having been neglected emotional, mentally and physically by my husband for over 10 years, and then to discover what appeared to me that my husband didn't love me and was clearly making a play for another woman, I went completely off the rails. I felt alone, destitute, (as I had no job and relied on him for the renewal of my visa). I had never touched alcohol in ten years, I started drinking heavily, chatting to other men online and at one point in my drunking state, even met up with someone else and was intimate with them.
When my husband found out I was unfaithful, at first he immediately asked me to forgive him, that he would stop talking to her, but he didn't as they picked up the conversation on Whatsapp and I found it. He then began to tell me 'but you cheated on me', as if this absolved anything he had done to initiate my reaction, calling me a whore etc. When I told him, it wasn't about forgiving, that i did not cheat on him to get back at him but that he had neglected me for ten years, then having nobody to turn to, as well as him defending her, and how could I forgive him when he claimed he had done nothing wrong and that how could we move forward if I couldn't trust how he really felt about me if he could do something like that, would I always be the one he settled for. I told him his continuous refusal to admit he had done anything wrong, using the fact that I had cheated on him, as a means of getting even, was not taking responsibility. He then said, 'I have taken responsibility, Ive had to carry you financially'.
He then became aggressive, abusive verbally and physically and everything went downhill from there. Everytime we would have any argument, he would call me a disgusting name in front of my children and tell me to 'go suck a d...' in front of my children regularly.
I have just recently received my visa renewal for settlement in the UK. I have been searching for work but as yet to no avail. In the meantime, he persistently tells me to f...off and go find a job. He ignores any request I have to discuss anything and clearly trying to make my life a misery in hopes of what I don't know... to force me out of the house, to force me to apply for a divorce??
I would like to know if anyone has any advice on what kind of benefits I could claim from the government should I apply for divorce and need to move out. Would I be able to claim housing benefit without having a job, whilst I continue to look for work?
We have two boys, a 17 year old and 13 year old. Naturally I would need to apply for divorce before I could claim for anything, but would I be entitled to anything if we had joint custody. Would I be able to claim help from him until such time as I have work?