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When will it stop?! (long)

(14 Posts)
stayforthekids1 Mon 05-Sep-11 08:34:31

My ex husband to be and I have been separated nearly two months. There is no going back on my behalf. Definitely 110% not.

He sees our four children every day after work until they go to bed (5-7pm) and takes them at weekends for the most.

The problem I am having, is the fact that he keeps contacting me by text, mostly to have a go at me, blaming me for the end of our marriage and falling out of love with him. He was NEVER ever able to see, during our marriage when we were having problems, that any of it was to do with him. It always had to be me. Now we are separated its still me to blame for everything. I am trying to stay amicable with him, but its getting to the stage that I am disliking him terribly.

A couple of weeks back, I tentively started dating again (you may say its too soon, but our marriage was over a long time before it was actually over). He came to find out about it, by reading my facebook messages whilst I was at work. Talk about feeling totally violated...his response: get over it. Then the next day he called me a slag. In front of our children. I ended up telling him to get out of the house or I would have him removed (My name on the tenancy).

I am tired of the texts, the sarcastic comments, the nastiness. Our marriage eventually ended because he got so drunk, he attacked me in my sleep one night. Of course, that was my fault too, because I didnt love him the way a wife should and he was so frustrated....Last night he text me to try and blame the time I spend on a computer for the end of our marriage! I do use the computer a lot...but that only ever started because he used to sit there night after night and get stoned out of his head and drink a bottle of cider a night. I found other ways to relax that didnt involve drink or drugs. His use of both resulted in premature ejaculation that I put up with and tried to be understanding about for nearly 3 years. During which time he wouldnt go and see anyone for help, just expected me to put out, tell me a quick sorry and roll over to sleep.

I personally feel we are very much both to blame for our marriage ending. I just want all this nastiness to stop. I am trying so hard to move on with my life, I feel like enough of it has been wasted already. But he is determined to hurt me and bring me back down. I dont know what to do. Any advice?

Katisha Mon 05-Sep-11 14:11:07

Well it sounds like you are seeing him almost as much as when he lived with you. Are you divorced yet? What will teh access arrangements be when you are?
YOu can't have him in your life to this extent because you can't possibly move on.
WHy is his name still on the tenancy anyway?

cestlavielife Mon 05-Sep-11 14:40:13

stop him coming to your house.

start up arrangements where dc see him eg mon wed fri leaving you two nights off having to deal with him

get a new mobile phone for him to text to eg PAYG so you dont have to keep reading except when you need to /want to.
change your number if you need to. it is a pain to change number but you can do it. set yourself free. new number new life.

stop answering his texts.

it is early days but you need to start setting boundaries.
less confusing for all.

he sees dc outside your home.
handovers on doorstep he does not come in.

RandomMess Mon 05-Sep-11 14:42:03

Everything that has been said above.

stayforthekids1 Mon 05-Sep-11 15:27:46

His name isnt on the tenancy. My OP says its my name on it. I want to divorce asap but as I know he would probably contest unreasonable behaviour I think I will have to wait until we are one year separated. We were not going to go down the route of legal/formal visitation rights etc, but obviously if he continues to behave the way he is, I am going to have to reconsider.

I AM moving on, I am very happy! I have made a good few new friends since my marriage ended, feel much more confident and happy. I even have a NM, but its very early days.

He is the one that cant move on. I am so tired of him.

In terms of the dc, I want them to see him as much as usual. He cant see them outside the home as he has moved out 2 hours drive away and doesnt have transport for all four of them. This is in the week. If my mum cant have two at the weekend so he can take two to his, it means he is here babysitting all four so I can work. There isnt a lot I can do about that, without meaning the kids miss out on him. Even though he was not a great husband, he is a great father and the kids adore him.

RandomMess Mon 05-Sep-11 15:33:06

It is likely that if you create some space now and define some boundaries that you will be able to relax them at a later date.

For now just get a new sim for your phone. If he sees the dc nearly every day there is no need for him to text or phone you at all.

You need to seperate your lives more than they are at the moment. Some eves without him seeing the dc will not harm them - you are sending them mixed messages perhaps with so little having changed.

stayforthekids1 Mon 05-Sep-11 16:04:10

With respect RM, I disagree. The older two are well aware that their dad and I are not together. I do not see why separation/divorce should mean that they see their dad any less or how its sendingthem mixed messages to have him seeing them as much as they do. I am happy with the amount of time they get with him and feel they are adjusting well.

In terms of separation, he has obviously moved out. I dont do anything for him when he is here (as in cook dinner etc) He has got his own bank account sorted. He has been told when he is here, he is here to see the DC only, that I do not have to and will not tell him anything about my personal life and so on. I also told him earlier today that if he kept sending me texts that had nothing to do with the dc, then I would phone my provider and block his number, as he has the housephone he can phone me on should he need to, or when I am at my work. I am hoping that will put an end to the guilt texts.

I do want to set boundaries now and I really would prefer he wasnt in the house seeing the dc's but they will always come first and just now its the way it has to be.

cestlavielife Mon 05-Sep-11 16:30:34

maybe he is the one getting mixed messages then

your exH i mean.

this happened with my exP - he actually came to believe he was living in the house i moved to -tho he plainly wasnt.

mind you 3.5 years down the line he still doesnt get it.

but at least the boundaries are clear.

it is early days for you - jsut two months.
maybe your ex thinks you will relent and have him back.

RandomMess Mon 05-Sep-11 16:44:19

I had an amicable divorce and we still reached a point where we needed to be more disconnected than we had been. I had moved on, had a new partner and another child by this point but the boundaries where somehow still slightly blurred.

I hope that the threat of blocking his number works. I would also put it in writing that if he does anymore snooping then you will barr him from the house as he clearly isn't respecting your personal boundaries is he?

stayforthekids1 Mon 05-Sep-11 17:04:32

thanks RM, I hope I didnt offend you when I said I disagreed, I suppose its maybe me being selfish and feeling better about everything if I dont feel the kids are being let down. I have absolutely no doubt that leaving our marriage was the right decision but its very hard having to be the 'bad guy' because of it.

After he read my FB private messages which contained thoughts about our breakup and why we broke up and also mention of very NM, I am sure he does know we are definitely over which is why he has begun to turn so nasty. I hope the threat to block his number does work. The problem with him is he goes home, necks a bottle of cider (as he has done every single night in our entire marriage) and starts sending me these text. I do believe if he was in an entirely sober state of mind, he would have more control.

Ultimately, I know I need to think about a lot of things. I know he is smoking pot again, but I have made it crystal clear he is not to be doing that when responsible for the kids, or drinking himself stupid. However, if they are out at his, I have no way of knowing that do I? The problem there is that he never changed in our marriage and is not changing now. I can just see everything getting very nasty and painful in the future.

RandomMess Mon 05-Sep-11 17:12:18

He doesn't sound like someone you can reason with and I honestly think in the longer term him not coming over every evening would probably be for the best. He isn't going to welcome boundaries is he? He could take them out for once or twice per week rather than come into your home?

Sounds like a nightmare tbh.

It's not pleasant but I don't think he's going to let you move on easily or without a lot of nastiness from what you have written.

He has chosen alcohol over his family so stop with the guilt thing smile

stayforthekids1 Mon 05-Sep-11 17:40:53

No, I think I am going to get the whole 'using the kids against him' thing. He has always had the total inability to take responsibilty for his actions, its always down to someone else. If I was to say to him, look I am not happy with you coming over, you cant control yourself or your tongue and I think for the sake of us staying amicable, you should maybe see them a couple of times a week and at the weekend...he would more than likely start verbally attacking me and saying, oh but I only said this one thing and you totally blew up etc etc.

Sometimes he has only said one snidey little comment and I have blown up, but he doesnt get its all the other things I have ignored and ignored until I cant ignore anymore. Then he says, oh all I said was that...grrr. So annoying. There is no communicating with him. I dont expect him to shake my hand and say, yeah okay things didnt work, but I am cool with it. I do expect him to respect me in my own home, in front of my children. If he cant do that, I am going to have to go down the route of visitation rights and so on sad

RandomMess Mon 05-Sep-11 17:46:04

I would consider putting things in writing. You can write and rewrite it a thousand times and just be factual that way. There will probably be lots of people on here who will help you - in terms of saying it's too personal and helping rephrase etc.

Worth a shot?

Such things as only emergency contact regarding the dc to by made by phone all else to be put in writing.
No using your phone/laptop/PC personal items. That type of thing.

cestlavielife Mon 05-Sep-11 23:18:20

Block him from your mobile but get a separate payg he can text you when he with dc. You switch it off when dc with you .

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