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to ask does your ex contibute towards school uniform?

(67 Posts)
slightlyunbalanced Sat 13-Aug-11 13:11:13

Have 3 DC with 2 exes, both pay maintenance voluntarily. Relationship with Ex 1 is not civil although last yr when eldest DC went to Upper School he gave me some money towards uniform on top of maintenance. Ex 2 (who pays in line with CSA which is a pittance) always pays for his DC school shoes.

In recent wks Ex 1 has suddenly started being civil, our DD is going to Upper School in Sep and needs a lot of things. Also will have massive bus fares to pay (as have lost a free lift to school for them) which he has made it clear he isn't going to help with.

Exd 2 recently split with wife (they have DC) and I know is struggling to cope emotionally/financially.

Do I ask for help or just not bother rocking the boat?

What do others (whose ex's are involved) do?

StrandedBear Sat 13-Aug-11 13:20:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bubblesincoffee Sat 13-Aug-11 13:25:26

I would definately ask, the worst they can say is no!

My ex gives me roughly what the CSA calculator says he should, £200 per month in total, for two children. We take it in turns to do the school shoe trip, and he pays for half of all school trips, music lessons, cubs etc. DS1 is starting secondary in September, and ex is paying for half of everything he will need, so school uniform, PE kit, stationary etc. But it will come to about £400 in total, he's never given me anything extra to pay for primary uniform, except shoes.

CurrySpice Sat 13-Aug-11 14:12:54

Does he fuck as like


And no, I don't ask because I would rather eat dry bread for tea for the next 6 weeks than ask him. He knows DD1 is starting a new school. And that uniform is expensive. He just choses to assume the uniform fairies will be bringing it in the night

FabbyChic Sat 13-Aug-11 14:14:56

Personally I would finance it myself, I always have, they give you X amount how you spend that is up to you but you should save for extras out of it for when the need arises.

Re the bus fares if she is X amount away from the school she will get a bus pass to use to and from school.

Meglet Sat 13-Aug-11 14:15:14

No. He pays the correct amount through the CSA. But we don't have anything to do with him and it wouldn't be safe to ask.

Uniform has cost £££ these last few weeks. And I still have to buy shoes.

Andrewofgg Sat 13-Aug-11 14:15:51

Never been in that position. But it seems to be that if you appeal unto the CSA, unto the CSA you shall go. And accept what they order. If that's how he chooses to run it.

ihatecbeebies Sat 13-Aug-11 14:17:49

DS starts school this year so I asked DS's paternal grandparents (I have no contact with ex so meet the grandparents once a fortnight for handover) if they'd like to buy him anything for starting school rather than demanding ex should give me money for uniform IYSWIM, they agreed and bought him school shoes and gave me £20 towards a jacket.

HauntedLittleLunatic Sat 13-Aug-11 14:19:23

My ex doesn't contribute to anything. Nadda. I know he can't afford it so I don't push it even tho the CSA feel that he is financially able to contribute a whole £10 a week.

If he did pay maintenance I wouldn't expect him to pay additional towards uniform....I believe that is included within maintenance over the course of the year.

However....XP keeps proising me that the DCs will "want for nothing"....and if hey need "new shoes or something" I just have to ask...therefore he will be geting a shock next week when I tell him he is going shoe shopping with them! I will happily pay....him getting the stress of shoe shopping for 3 DCs is more than worth the cost of teh shoes....grin

slightlyunbalanced Sat 13-Aug-11 14:20:08

The local school is a shithole (13% pass rate of A and above hmm so they go to school in town (its 3 miles away - not in another county!) - so as I have chosen to send them "out of catchment" hmm I don't get any help with the bus passes.

TheOriginalNutcracker Sat 13-Aug-11 14:20:25

Nope, not a bean and like Curryspice, I am not going to ask because he knows that they they need it and that dd2 is starting secondary so needs extra, but still nothing.

It would be less for him to spend in the pub on a saturday night wouldn't it, and that just won't do.

EternalPie Sat 13-Aug-11 14:24:45

I get a bit of maintenance off my boys' dad (£140 a month) which doesn't go far when you factor in their growth rate (pre-teens), what they eat, school trips, uniforms, days out etc but I don't ask for him to pay for the uniforms. It would be nice if he offered but he wouldn't and if I did ask he'd tell me to get it out of the maintenance hmm

FabbyChic Sat 13-Aug-11 14:26:34

Surely you work and can pay for the shoes from that? I know ex partners should contribute but for me it has always been about being able to provide for my children myself and not have to rely on their father.

EternalPie Sat 13-Aug-11 14:28:26

I kind of agree with FabbyChick. It was always my understanding that ex could stop paying the maintenance at any time so I have conditioned myself not to rely on it as a regular income but more of a "Bonus".

CurrySpice Sat 13-Aug-11 14:31:20

Fortunetely Fabby, that is what I've always done

slightlyunbalanced Sat 13-Aug-11 14:34:29

Yes I work.

ballstoit Sat 13-Aug-11 14:37:57

Nope, he pays CSA rates (£3 a week for 3 DC), and struggles to afford to visit them regularly (he moved away, not me). I know if I asked for money for uniform he would have to not see them for a few weeks. I'd rather my DC had a relationship with their Dad than top of the range uniform. He did get DS some new trainers for his birthday recently, as he asked if their was anything he needed.

I buy uniform from April onwards, one bit a week, when I do my supermarket shop. I get the children's Child Benefit and Tax Credits, so feel that I should supply them with their food and clothes.

slightlyunbalanced Sat 13-Aug-11 14:47:23

I don't want to buy top of the range uniform hmm. I want to buy what the school stipulates my DD should have - sweatshirt is £16 to start with.

I can understand posters who don't get a lot/anything from their ex and I unsderstand it should maybe come out of the maintenance but when you have a big outlay do posters not feel the father of the child should take some of the brunt of that cost?

I think its sad what little expectattion we have of fathers and that it is expected that a much higher percentage of the resident parents wage goes towards the children.

I accept that is how it is but its not right - esp when we have a lower earning capacity because we are responsible for 100% of the childcare and transporting children to and from school.

deemented Sat 13-Aug-11 14:55:09

Manshape has a 12 year old son with his ex and we will be buying some of his uniform. We'll probably get him some shirts and trousers, and socks, pants and a decent pair of shoes. Probably stationary as well. This is as well as the £50 p/w that he gives her anyway.

We are now having regular access to him and have had to provide him with a whole new wardrobe for when he's here as the clothes his mother sends when she does are only fit for the bin quite dingy looking.

Tortoise Sat 13-Aug-11 14:56:13

XP1 gives maintenance and buys Ds1 and Ds2's school shoes and sometimes trainers.
XP2 gives nothing at all! But only sees DD1 and DD2 once a month at a contact centre.

ballstoit Sat 13-Aug-11 14:58:33

School stipulates that you have to buy a jumper that costs £16? You cant just go to Asda and buy one the same colour with no badge on it? School would appear to be the unreasonable ones in my view.

I have high expectations of ex-H as a father, and in general he's not too bad. I dont think that paying for uniform and seeing less of his DC would make him a better father.

slightlyunbalanced Sat 13-Aug-11 15:06:52

No you can't, they have to have the Upper School Jumper and they get Demerits for not wearing correct uniform.

My friends DD goes to a school where they all have to have the same skirt from the uniform shop and they cost £20 shock.

ballstoit Sat 13-Aug-11 15:12:31

This is completely unacceptable of school...government guidelines are clear that uniform policies shouldnt disadvantage poorer families .

SuePurblybilt Sat 13-Aug-11 15:15:47

No, I pay for everything. He pays (now, he didn't for months) what the CSA say he should, I don't ask for extra when there are extra expenses.

I don't know if that's U or NU, it's just how I do it.

LunarRose Sat 13-Aug-11 15:16:26

I would love to ask exH to pay for school uniform, however as the situation stands at the moment my response to the idea is to laugh hysterically!!!

If you feel able to ask than ask.

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