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soon to be exH's new girlfriend

(36 Posts)
turtle23 Mon 01-Aug-11 09:05:50

OK...first need to say that I really despise him and really not jealous of her. At all. We have two sons who are 1 and 3. He sees them once a week overnight and is really a rubbish dad. Refuses to take them out, just sits around the house watching tv with them as he feels it is his duty to have them but not play with them or put any effort into it. He told me 2 months ago he was thinking of dating someone "seriously" and that the boys had met her once briefly. I said fine...but please could you let me know if it moves on to the stage where the boys spend lots of time with her.

Anyway...it transpires that she is there every time the boys visit and now one son has been bumped to sofa bed rather than sleeping in daddy's room which he finds uncomfortable. I found this out through my children and when I asked I was told it was none of my business. I agreed that who he dated was none of my business but said if this woman was going to be spending this much time around my kids I would like to meet her. I was called a psychotic bitch at this point and told to mind my own business. Is this an unreasonable request? I just want to know who is around my kids. She has no desire to have kids, is a party girl and as she lives most of the week an hour away I just feel that my kids are being ignored a bit. I want to know what sort of person she is.

I will admit I will be hugely upset if they get married but only in that she will then be their stepmother. He is so rubbish...it is only recently that he agreed to have them at all. I am a blubbering mess and I don't even kniw why I posted this I just feel like I am losing it.

GypsyMoth Mon 01-Aug-11 09:10:24

Er no. You have no 'rights' to meet her. He's the other parent. But why do you feel he needs to do 'things' with them, take then out places etc?

turtle23 Mon 01-Aug-11 09:14:33

Why do I feel he needs to actually interact with them? Dunno...guess they might come back saying things other than daddy doesn't like to play...daddy wont let us go to the swings, etc.
So you would be totally fine with never meeting someone who would be a constant adult in your children's lives? Seriously?

GypsyMoth Mon 01-Aug-11 09:19:44

Not saying I would be fine but it's not something you can force happening is it?

I wouldn't want to be scrutinised by the ex wife! What could you gain from one meeting with her?would you want your ex round meeting any new man, or childminder, friend you leave the kids with occasionally etc etc cos you would need to extend that curtesy to him too.

oldenoughtowearpurple Mon 01-Aug-11 09:19:45

There are several things going on here and you need to detangle which ones it's reasonable to feel concerned about and frankly which are not your concern
- you meeting xDP new GF
- xDP being rubbish dad
- DCs sleeping on sofa
- XDP being rude and horrible

I do not think it's reasonable for a DC to be sleeping on the sofa at his dads as a regular event. They are his children, not stray guests, and I think they should have beds. Presumably 1 yo is in a travel cot. This is going to have to change too. Does he have any long term plans for a room for them? I would imagine this will impact on his long-term commitment to them.

IMHO, I don't think you have a right to 'vet' xDPs new GF. I know you would like to, especially as they are so little, but to be honest as long as she is not abusive to them then i am afraid this you have to suck up and be grateful it's not you. XDP is the carer, not her. Does he have any friends or family you can get a POV on her from? does older DC say anything about her?

As for him being a rubbish dad, and rude and horrible to you, well this is of course very upsetting but there is damn all you can do about it. Loads of people have kids with people who turn out to be complete wasters, but that's the risk you take when you have children. You are going to have to practice Rising Above anything the tosser says about or to you, and be the best mum you can to your DCs

CareyHunt Mon 01-Aug-11 09:21:57

Turtle, ignore ILoveTiffany.

If this was my situation, I would want to know who was spending time around my children. Of course he should 'do things' with the kids. What the hell is the point of them going to see him if he is ignoring them. If this woman being there is leading to him ignoring them even more then you have every right to be pissed off.

I don't have any constructive advice, I just wanted to say that I think lots of other people would feel the same way, and that exDH should understand that you care about your kids, so want to know who they spend time with.

GypsyMoth Mon 01-Aug-11 09:23:44

Er why ignore ne? Bit bloody rude aren't you??

GypsyMoth Mon 01-Aug-11 09:25:09

Children going 'to see him'??? Carey are you for real? Going to 'see him' like they are guests in his life?

turtle23 Mon 01-Aug-11 09:31:52

And yes. I would hope that he would WANT to know who was with his kids. I have begged him to come to preschool open day and he said wtf does it matter is preschool. I asked him to meet the two babysitters I have had. I would welcome him to meet anybody who was in a serious relationship with me and seeing the kids.
If you date somebody who is in the middle of divorcing his wife and has two very small kids then I think you need to accept the fact that there will be complications. It isn't like I can stop her seeing them. I just want to meet her. Not going to interrogate the poor unfortunate girl who has my ex. smile

turtle23 Mon 01-Aug-11 09:34:44

It's a 2 bed flat and he refuses to make his "office" into a full time bedroom for them

GypsyMoth Mon 01-Aug-11 09:34:57

If she lives far away and isn't around during the week, could he have the dc then?

CareyHunt Mon 01-Aug-11 09:35:11

Tiffany. I actually x-posted, and my comment was in relation to your 1st post. I am bewildered by your suggestion that the children's father does not have an obligation to do 'things' with them.

As for the children being 'guests in his life', they don't even have beds at his house! That does not suggest that he is in any way an equal co-parent.

Being a parent is an obligation and a responsibility. It involves 'doing things'. It doesn't end with the right to have contact with your children.

turtle23 Mon 01-Aug-11 09:37:34

She works in the week. He pretends to work in the week. He has said weekends only. Until a couple of months ago he refused to even have them for more than 4 hours. I suppose in 2 years or so he'll have worked up to a full 24. At the moment it is 20.

BertieBotts Mon 01-Aug-11 09:41:34

You can do things with your children at home though, play games with them, watch a film together, you don't have to take them out to interact with them.

turtle23 Mon 01-Aug-11 09:44:57

Yes. One can. HE doesn't. He just sits on his computer. Feeds them chips and nuggets every week. WHatever. I am taking my kids out now.

GypsyMoth Mon 01-Aug-11 09:46:16

Bertie, I have just read the thread about the dc not being able to entertain themselves it play together as they are so used to being taken to clubs, playdates and theme parks!! Hanging out at home with their dad is fine imo!

I agree with CareyHunt.
I would absolutely want to know who was spending time with my children, especially when the soon to be XH has demonstrated time and time again that his needs are more important than his DCs.
And ignore ILoveTiffany. Se is talking rubbish. Of course a father should do more than watch TV with his kids. They should be the centre of his world, just as the DCs are the centre of your world.

mylovelymonster Mon 01-Aug-11 09:50:18

I think your interest in meeting your ex's girlfriend - if it going to be a long-term relationship - is a natural and practical necessity. If she is going to be part of the unit then why not? It would be good for everyone to have a harmonious relationship all round? And practically would be good to be able to contact both of them in case of an emergency or for her to have your contact details. Your children are still babies and important you are acquainted with people in their lives. 'Rights' don't come into it. (However, if you ex is being a territorial turd and won't let you meet his new bed-mate then not much you can do) Is it possible to calmly suggest this? I know he flew off the handle first go, but if you talk it through with him and assure him you do not want to undermine his new relationship then maybe he might come round?

I've not met your ex, so apologies if this is simplistic, but agree with comments re: sorting out proper sleeping arrangements for the boys. Also agree it's crap and lazy to not do fun things with his sons when he sees them. It will get to the stage when they won't want to go visit him because it is very boring. Children do prefer having a relationship with their parent and will get very fed up with telly.
Sorry you are in this position. It all sounds a bit raw, regarding your boys that is, but I'm sure it will settle down.

BertieBotts Mon 01-Aug-11 09:51:25

I was just meaning when ILT referred to him not having to do "things", I don't think she meant he could just do nothing.

I just wrote another post but it got lost as MN was temporarily offline. Anyway, mylovelymonster wrote what I was saying, just more thoughtful and eloquent.

GypsyMoth Mon 01-Aug-11 09:57:56

It's easy to say what we all think he should be doing. Obviously we'd ALL like to know the person the dc are with, ensure they are fed correctly and looked after as we'd all like! Isn't that a given??

Thing I, it isn't happening. So suggestions to get it near to what we would like rather than moaning, is more constructive

So

Ready beds?
Craft/art stuff to take to dads
It's one night, overlook the nuggets?
Try and engineer a meet with gf at handovers?

Zimm Mon 01-Aug-11 10:01:58

You have a right to meet someone your kids are effectively going to be living with one night a week. Your DC's have a right to the spare room at Dad's - I hated, hated feeling like a total guest in my dad's home as we NOTHING there , i slept on a mattress downstairs and my sister had the very bland, grown up 'spare' room. And yes he should do things with them. yes DC should be able to entertain themselves but when he only has them 1 night a week then not interacting with them is crap.

mylovelymonster Mon 01-Aug-11 10:05:38

My last post got cut due to glitch but ended with a massive embarrassing <<<<<hug>>>> for Turtle x

I think (hope) that a lot of this stems from rawness of the situation and difficult communication between You and your ex?? Do you think if the two of you can find a different relationship between the two of you things might get better? Or does he just have some very deep basic flaws??

Again <<<<hug & comforting squeeze of the shoulders>>>> You are going through a lot, but at least you have your boys x

mylovelymonster Mon 01-Aug-11 10:08:10

Like Zimm, I also have very painful memories of divorced parents situation.
Some men are just not great at being parents.

littlemisssarcastic Mon 01-Aug-11 10:11:31

I completely understand your desire to meet your DC's father's g/f, especially if she is present every time he sees the boys, but perhaps your XH feels it is not an established relationship, and doesn't feel it is serious??
I understand your frustration, but there is not a great deal you can do about this. It would all be down to the goodwill of your XH whether he introduced you to his new g/f or not.

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