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Dumped because I can't have children

(17 Posts)
lolfactor Sat 28-May-11 08:28:48

I'm 45 and have been in relationship for 3 years with a lovely man who's 6 years younger than me. I've been married twice to much older men and have 3 kids (22, 18 and 15). Everything is amicable with my exs. Exdp already has a 5 year-old from a previous marriage and when he fell in love with me he thought he would be content with just one as he felt he'd found the woman of his dreams.

Several times during our relationship, though, he's suddenly had an overwhelming urge to run away and find someone in their early 30s so he could 'start again' with his dream of a conventional family.

We tried for our own baby but have had 2 miscarriages and after the last one (4 months ago) it was a watershed moment. He said last weekend that it made him look at me as if I was much older - a different generation - and although he'd never find anyone he loved so much, he wanted to separate so that he could start again.

I desperately need to 'move on' because it's so hurtful. To help me do so, I really really need to hear from people with similar/any experiences. All I can think of is looking in the mirror and counting the wrinkles until I die. I've booked a summer holiday in Greece on a creative writing course, so that's something to look forward to. But my dreams of a little family with dp, my youngest and his little girl have been dashed (yes, we could have tried donor eggs, but he's got his mind set on a simpler life)

I can't see the future - and I can't imagine finding anyone who I got on with so well. My self-esteem is also rock bottom. I can 'hear' I'm attractive and look younger than 45 but I want to feel comfortable BEING 45 and I just don't anymore. Help?

OP’s posts: |
hsurp Sat 28-May-11 10:09:49

That is such Bullsh*t on HIS part! I am 39 and my bf is 45. We get along well. But, who the HECK ever said it wasn't ok on the other side also??? Your bf is NOT so lovely! Any guy who thinks his gf is too old and that he can "start again" with a woman closer to his age is not bf material! Just be thankful you didn't marry him! I would tell him that this is HIS problem and if he feels he must go, he can, but don't expect your sympathy. I feel he must have low self-esteem! If he just wants a kid with you and is so willing to leave if you don't have his baby, then he is SO NOT WORTH IT! It will take a while to get over, no lie, but you will be better off in the long run. Your bf really disappoints me.

lolfactor Sat 28-May-11 13:42:54

Thanks hsurp. It's so hard to be rational when you're in this situation. My gut feeling is that he's been a shallow b******d and that I'm better off out of it. I just don't know anymore what to 'walk towards' if you know what I mean. I'm stuck taking one day at a time.

It's interesting what you say about self-esteem. I was wondering if he was going through a bit of a mid-life crisis.

OP’s posts: |
lolfactor Sat 28-May-11 13:45:42

And you've really helped. Thank you. Am smiling while making brew

OP’s posts: |
catinboots Sat 28-May-11 13:53:42

You poor thing. He wants the traditional family. I presume you're happy with the one you already have? If he doesn't want to join your family as it is, he is a tossed. Find someone who is in the same place as you emotionally. He sounds inmature to be honest. We all want traditional perfect families but for very many of us that doesn't work out.

catinboots Sat 28-May-11 13:54:24

Tosser not tossed!

tethersend Sat 28-May-11 14:05:40

Let's hope he doesn't develop fertility problems of his own, eh?

lolfactor Sat 28-May-11 20:34:49

That would be ironic, wouldn't it? I think he must be a bit immature. I've never met anyone so desperate to have another baby. It's not typical for blokes, is it?

I'm not sure how to find someone. I'm a bit scared of trying, to be honest. This is the second time this has happened to me. My second husband wanted a baby straight away (we had a lovely daughter who's now 15) and then decided that he didn't really want to live with my children when he couldn't live with his own. We struggled on for 14 years (never say I didn't give it my best shot) and then divorced. He says he's sorry that he couldn't commit. So, I guess I should be pleased that I've found out that this guy can't commit before I married him.

Are there any normal men out there?

OP’s posts: |
Xenia Sat 28-May-11 20:47:53

COuld you not (a) have IVF as clearly you can get pregnant or (b) have his baby with a surrogate?

expatinscotland Sat 28-May-11 20:50:38

You will definitely find someone else because there's a whole world of men out there who definitely do not want any more kids!

LadyLapsang Sat 11-Jun-11 21:10:31

Well, the menopause reminds women of the age they are in a way that men don't have to deal with, although if you've recently been pregnant you may have a few years yet - although I'm sure you'll know only too well most pregnancies at your age don't make it.

Maybe he thought originally that he could handle the alternative or that you would succeed against the odds the have a child together. But ultimately he has more options than you in terms of starting again and having a family with someone younger, and I'm sure that is hitting home now. It can be hard when you realise your childbearing days are over, even when your partner supports you; sorry to hear that he has decided to try and find a younger partner but I expect he didn't mean it to end this way. It's difficult for you to come to terms with growing older and he probably doesn't want to continue on that journey with you.

Hope you enjoy your Greek holiday.

kipperandtiger Mon 18-Jul-11 23:21:16

He sounds awful. It's a cliche but - you're better off without him. Actually, being 45 and having 2 miscarriages doesn't mean that you're not able to have kids, but would mean some clinic tests with a specialist in recurrent miscarriages (the fact is you can conceive with him, just need to find out why the pregnancy doesn't progress) ....could be his sperm that are the problem! And problems with miscarrying can crop up later in life even if they previously weren't there. The main thing here is whether YOU want more kids, not what he thinks you should do or be. He sounds like he's just got a roving eye. He's not exactly a spring chicken either.
I suggest you take some time far, far away from him - the Greece holiday sounds a great idea. Lots of pleasant people, picnics, nice food and wine, pretty scenery and nobody killing your buzz like your partner is doing.

ifonly31 Wed 29-Aug-12 13:30:42


I'm 45 I was in a relationship from my ex is 8 years older than me. I was 32 when we met I thought he was the man of my dreams we married and started trying for a family almost 2 years down the line I didn't fall pregnant I though the fault with me as he already had a 15 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I went trough so many painful tests to to see what was wrong, eventually he admitted to be that he had a vascetomy shortly after his daughter was born as his partner of the time didn't want anymore children. This of course left me devastated. Silly me forgave him as he promised to have the vasectomy reversed, year after year he kept putting it off I stayed "yes I know i'm an idiot" When I turned 40 I begged and begged he promised me he would, after a few months we split as I couldn't bare it any longer. Then I met a wonderful man 7 years younger, fell madly in love then the subject of children came up depsite trying I couldn't fall pregnant and it turns out that I have uterine fibroids and poor egg quality. My boyfriend cooled things off with me rapidly, he came out with excuse after excuse for not seeing me or speaking to me some of his excuses sounding as silly as I cant see you tonight because it's my next door neighbours, best friends, cousins, aunties cats birthday. Of course I feel humilated let down and embarrassed for giving him my heart. This is my 3rd day of lying in bed I can't eat, sleep or function i'm living in a city were I dont know anyone so no one to talk to either. Yes I may look younger than my age but I feel old horrible and low. I just can't motivate myself to do anything which I know sounds so silly. I have always wanted to have my own child but this will never happen now. I'm not sure if I can bounce back from this.

futureunkown Wed 29-Aug-12 13:35:24

ifonly I am sorry to hear this. How about you start your own thread rather than using an old one?

throckenholt Wed 29-Aug-12 13:41:44

I don't think it is you that is the problem - it sounds like he is going through a mid life crisis. Maybe the big 40 is looming and he somehow thinks he can step back in time and have the perfect life. That ain't gonna happen.

Value yourself more - you have done the mother bit - three nearly grown up kids. You have the rest of your life ahead of you - and it sounds like you could find someone better to spend it with.

Bluez Sun 07-Jul-19 04:54:43

Just found this post. Wonder how you guys' outcome turned out? And how do you cope with men leaving you because you can't have kids anymore?

Happyfeet2020 Sat 16-Nov-19 04:17:13

Hi Blues Im wondering the same

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