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Thinking of divorce - need help

(8 Posts)
reluctantmpvdriver Mon 14-Mar-11 11:11:49

I think that my marriage is breaking up and we are heading for divorce.

I am a working mum and the main earner in the family although my DH also earns very well – he earns enough to support a family reasonably well at this moment.

I work just under 4 days a week - picking up the DC's from school twice a week. My DH's job however is on the rocks and for various reasons he says that he will not be able to get another job in that field without being paid less than he gets now which he does not want to do.

Instead he wants to give up his job and set up a business.. I can pay the bills and so on and support the mortgage and myself and the kids and the kids while he does this and he will use his recent inheritance to make up any shortfall and for the set up costs of the business.

He is keen to run a business so that he will be able to take on more childcare as the hours will be flexible - he will be able possibly to pick up the DC's the other three days – when I don’t pick up (they go to after school club at the moment).

The business will never (not for several years in any event) - even by his own calculations - earn him what he earns now or even what he could earn in a lower paid version of what he does now. I don't have any faith in the plan for this reason and also because he is hopeless at managing his own affairs so I can't see him running a business effectively. He has been in debt before which I have had to pay it off and I have to run everything in the house as he is so disorganised.

I am worried about two things:

1. If we divorce I will have to keep supporting him financially as he will have so little earnings. My plan has always been to work on a more part time basis so I can spend more time with the DC’s and I want eventually to get out of my own career / do something different. I feel that he is going to live his dream at the expense of mine.

2. I am also more worried that if he goes down this route and becomes a part time worker in his business with me supporting him financially - will he be more likely to get part time custody of the children? I am dead set against the DC's living 50:50 in two households as I feel it would be too unsettling for them - but I would never stop him from seeing them regularly or having them on regular weekends - but I think that he would expect a 50:50 living arrangement.

I feel I could lose both my life with my children and my chance to work more part time / change my career

So I have been thinking that I should divorce him before he gives up his job and starts caring for the kids 1/2 the week - so that I can put myself in a better position to both (i) say the kids should live with me most of the time (ii) stop him claiming that he should live off me while he sets up the business - this seems crazy however as I am not sure that I am ready to divorce him - we are looking at going to relate at the moment and hoping that we can resolve things.

Any advice would be helpful. I know nothing of the divorce process and my rights.

swallowedAfly Mon 14-Mar-11 11:17:28

Message withdrawn

littlemisslost Mon 14-Mar-11 11:23:02

wow youre very business like, perhaps I should be more like that as Im considering doing the same, for many additional reasons though see(, Help.. feel like the worst person in the world)
I'd love you to read my thread and give me your opinion on my situation as you seem very head screwed on and focussed which i am so not!
I see yourpoint if he has been in debt before and youve ended up paying that off and also about the custody thing which I have to say i wouldnt have known about and need to carefully consider ad my dh has said if I go ahead with this he will quit work and go home (down south) to his parents so yes, i will be working FT and he will be at home hmm

how do we all end up in these situations eh!

reluctantmpvdriver Mon 14-Mar-11 12:10:35

Thanks Swallowedafly - what you say about being realistically able to lose the kids is really scaring me.

I am too nice about this all - I have sort of told him that I might support him but he has to show me proper figures and show that he has researched it and that I would not expect him to do it without doing some retraining as well in he own field - ie he has to do both. But that's won't solve the problem as even if he retrained in his own field he would not be working (mind you I did a masters degreee while holding down a full time job so I don't really see why he shouldn't do the same)

Maybe I should just say no - get a job or that's it.

Maybe I should go and see a solicitor.

Very depressed as I want to give it a go and terrifed for what divorce will do to the kids.

reluctantmpvdriver Mon 14-Mar-11 12:26:00

Littlemiss lost - I read your post - so many things that you say chime with my sitution. My man too is lovely and kind and I don't think that he would ever end it. It's mad but I sort of long for him to have an affair - so that I have a solid reason to divorce him without feeling guilty.

But isn't that part of the problem? We are both dealing with people who won't properly take responsibility for their own lives ? So just as you probably orgainsed the wedding as I did - we also have to organise the divorce. I don't thank that either of us deserve to feel bad. Life is not simple. You can't make yourself feel what you don't feel anymore.

reluctantmpvdriver Mon 14-Mar-11 12:29:41

ON another note - it was just confirmed that we have our first relate session tonight . I hope that it helps us at least to talk. Must get back to the day job now as I'll probably loose it at this rate.(just cannot concentrate) ..hmmm.. and if I lose my job then maybe then he won't be able to give up his job so easily...just a slightly wicked thought

swallowedAfly Mon 14-Mar-11 14:19:25

Message withdrawn

hsurp Sat 28-May-11 10:46:27

I understand your thoughts, but to DIVORCE him over this??? Give him a chance first. If it doesn't work out in 6 months tell him he needs to get extra income. Marriage is supposed to be give and take. Although I am divorced, my husband "took" a friend of ours, who had split from her husband, also a friend of ours.

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