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Do I let it go...or not?

(5 Posts)
lubeybooby Sat 12-Feb-11 23:13:06

Hi this is a bit long and disjointed so thanks in advance for reading.

I'm seperated, have been for 3.5 years following leaving my exh after a 10 year (quite abusive, but not violent) relationship and marriage.

At the time of leaving, exh was regularly shouting in my face that I would 'screw' him as in taking everything or half or whatever and I was so relieved to be getting out that I promised him on a couple of occasions that I wanted nothing material or financial, just to leave. He refused to leave the marital home, so I had to sort out my own place and he refused to help with this saying he wouldn't believe it was over until I was gone.

I did leave, taking only mine and my dd's stuff (he was her stepdad) having saved for the rent deposit on my bolthole. I had nothing for ages and have slowly built everything up myself.

The plan was to wait for 2 years seperation and then divorce, but exh got quite ill and then it just got forgotten. My dd still has a relationship with him and his mum and dad an I'm still in the same town. I have kept my mouth shut and put up with a lot of crap to keep the peace for her sake. His sisters kids go to her school and I worry about them bullying her if I don't keep the peace. (they are 14, 15 and 16 and dd is 14)

Over the years I have struggled to build my business and had some desperately hard times, I have asked him for help with bills on very rare occasions (small amounts, £50 - £100)and he refused saying he had no money.

However he has made a big show on facebook about new purchases, massive HD telly, holidays to Thailand and Las vegas etc. He hasn't had these things on credit as he refuses to use credit cards etc after problems with debt in the past which is now all paid off and has been for years. He has a good job and owns the house.

I am feeling very tempted recently to go against my word, divorce him for unreasonable behaviour instead (he was manipulative, controlling, verbally abusive, also used money to control me) and persue at least some of my entitlement, but I'm not sure if that's just me being a bit bitter,or if I should just let it go or not.

If I go for the former, I will probably have to move out of town as his family will make life pretty awful.

I just don't know. Part of me thinks I would be standing up to him and only getting what is due to me, and that he deserves it for watching me suffer while he spends whatever he likes. Another part thinks it's just not worth the stress and worries that I'm being bitter.

Can anyone help me clear this in my mind?

LeChatRouge Sat 12-Feb-11 23:24:00

Hi lubeybooby,

Really complex situation. I feel for you. I can absolutely see how you wanted this chapter to end and chose to be agreeable in order to just get away. I really admire your resourcefulness in becoming independant, especially financially, you should be proud.

I can also see the frustration and bitterness creeping in when you see his current lifestyle - easy to feel angry and resentful.

I can also see the temptation to start on the journey of trying to get some of your maritial entitlement, but I feel that it almost be more stressful than it would be worth. Would what you get out of it in monetry terms be worth all the upset in the meantime? Do you really want to have to move and take your DD out of school, especially in her GCSE time?

Really difficult situation. Could you do a list of pros and cons on paper and try and see how much of this is emotional and how much practical?

lubeybooby Sat 12-Feb-11 23:54:20

Thanks LeChatRouge

Yes that's pretty much exactly it, you've got me thinking deeply now about pros and cons.

Things still aren't great so any payout at all would be massively helpful and help me ditch debts and earn more money long term as I would be able to learn to drive and get a car which expands possibilities ten fold.

The cons would be the unrest and having to move, and weirdly feeling quite bad for him...despite everything he put me through he is an insecure and anxious/depressive type and suffers panic attacks, part of me doesn't want to stress him out.

Does anyone know if there would be a way for him to give me a payout without selling the house? I'm sure he could remortgage and there is a decent amount of equity but I'm not 100% sure how these things work.

I have put the idea of moving to dd, and she is quite ok with it long as we move closer to her biological dad, which would be fine with me. I'm in a newish relationship but we don't live together yet but plan to...and he would be ok with moving too.

Alternatively, letting it go and there being a peaceful, clean break is a very attractive option.

hsurp Sat 28-May-11 11:00:31

I would tell your ex that, unless he gives you some money, you will have no choice but to move. Let him tell you. If he can't or won't do anything, you won't have a choice but to move and your dd and new guy are in your corner so you win anyway!

butterflybee Mon 27-Jun-11 00:17:47

I'm watching this as your first half could be my current situation. Really interested to know how it turns out..

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