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Currently childless and disabled

(7 Posts)
Authentique Sun 23-Mar-14 20:30:58

Hi all,
I know this is kidn of weird to post on a Mums' forum, but I feel now that I'm 28 in June, I'm beginning to experience the mothering instinct. I know mos tlikely you ladies can't relate as this is a parenting fourm, but I am looking for support.

Background: I was born blind, but I never thought this would keep me from parenting. In fact, when I was a child and teen I Always edreamt of getting y first child at 27. Life went quite well until at age eighteen, I burned out. Well, life didn't go well before then, but that's beyond the scope of this topic. Long story short: at age 21, I was ddiagnosed with autism and later a severe mental illness (borderline personality disorder to be exact). I had a mental crisis in 2007 and landed in the psychiatric hospital. Nearly 6 1/2 years later, I'm still institutionalized. This obviously means no pregnancy or kids for me. Oh, I am married and physically fertile I think, so that's not the problem. I am beginning to realize that, now tha this magical age of 27 is here, I think I may never have kids.

The reason I post this to a parenting board is not only because I badly want to be a parent, but aso because being childless and likely to remain this way, makes me feel particularly left out. I don't have any offline friends (other than my husband) and in the online community, maybe it's just me but see Mummies everywhere. I do seek it as in this forum, but then again, Mumsnet and other more exclusive communities are also among hte top women's communities. I think maybe I'm just grieving. My husband is pretty much childless by choice, and I thought I was too for I am physically fertile, but I would badly like to parent.

I'm sorry if no-one can support me or if this is not appropriate here.

NotJustACigar Sun 23-Mar-14 20:39:34

I agree with you that mumsnet is a top women's forum but you don't have to be a mum to post here and enjoy it. I'm childless by choice and still enjoy chatting here and it's never been a problem.

Not being a mother means of course we will be left out of some things but there are many advantages as well. I love the fact that my time is my own, I can do what I like, I don't have to worry about other people who are completely dependent on me. I can focus on other pastimes and achievements that it is extremely difficult for mothers to find time for.

I'm not sure what your situation is like being institutionalised but perhaps there are ways you could have children be a part of your life without being their mother? For example could you volunteer to help children who are blind and instutionalised themselves? It seems like it would be a huge help to them to have the benefit of your knowledge and experience. Wishing you luck finding your path.

flowerflo Tue 25-Mar-14 10:26:56

That's great you've posted here for support. Im sorry you've been institutionalised for so long, it must be hard. Is there a plan for you to go home any time soon? None of your disabilities would stop you becoming a parent - of course it can be harder though. Making a decision to have children is such a personal choice, weighing up all your circumstances. I have a physical disability and went through the grieving process of coming to terms with not having children, then fortunately I was referred to a specialist who supported me fully and I now have a 2 year old. You still have many child bearing years ahead of you and things may change, so maybe keep an open mind. I was 33 when I had my daughter. If you can't have children it is a very sad process to come to terms with that. My friend and her husband are unable to have children but they still have a happy and fulfilling life and take pleasure in spending time with other peoples children. It did take them some time to adjust though and I think they will always be sad.

Is there any way you could have the opportunity to make some friends in real life? These things are so much easier to deal with if you have someone to talk to about it xx

Authentique Tue 25-Mar-14 16:09:29

Notjustacigar, thanks for your supportive and wise reply. Your idea of me volunterring with children sounds great. I am in a psychiatric institution and the nearest blindness institution is about an hour away (well, ther eis one in my town but that's an older people's home). I know there are Always people looking for volunteers to be a b uddy to a child with special needs and that might be an option closer to where I reside. Volunteering is definitely an option even if I'm sitll institutionalized (I know there are people who go to t he older adults in my institution and help them, so s omething similar with children would be a possibility too). Thanks for putting my childlessness in to perspective too by saying there are advantages too.

Authentique Tue 25-Mar-14 16:22:11

Flower, thanks for your support t oo. You are so rightthat parenthood isn't now or never for me at this point. Your story uplifts me.

As fo rleaving t he institution, I do want to but not soon. I was originally planning on living wiht my husband by this year (I moved to another institution to be loser to him last year), but then my mental heath got a bit worse and I was planning on moving into a long-term institutional setting. Then with medication my mental health imrpoved a gain and most recently I've been thinking of moving into a supported hosuign accommodation, also because that oen has a much shorter waiting list thant he long-ter institution I was wanting to get into. I badly still want to live iwht my husband ultimately, but since I have experinece living on my own even qwith quit eintensive support and that failed, I feel kidn of held back.

I could try t o make new friends offline indeed. Maybe I should try to do some off-groudns activities and try to meet new people that way. I will discuss this with my support staff soon, as you're right it's easier to process these issues i f you've friends. Besides, the s uggestion by t he other poster to try volunteering is great too.

ballsballsballs Tue 25-Mar-14 16:23:49

Hello OP welcome to Mumsnet flowers

I'm childless by circumstance but have been a member here for ages. It's a great place to hang out.

DH and I are both full time students, which would have been hard to organise with children. Life can still be great without children, I promise. Volunteering sounds like a great idea. x

Mummra13 Mon 31-Mar-14 01:25:26

Hello, I am a new poster myself.

Don't lose hope. If you do choose to have children there are wonderful social care services to help you raise your children.

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