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Assessment for BiPolar, Aspergers, living with my parents... Think i'm cracking up!(4 Posts)
My SO is currently being assessed for a number of mental health conditions including aspergers syndrome (and other autism spectrum problems), Bi-Polar disorder, personality disorder and pretty much anything else you can think of. He's convinced that its Bi Polar. The process of assessment is taking ages, and his symptoms are getting worse in the interim. We live with my parents, and nothing they do is good enough for him. He is very possessive of DD, as he has another dd by former partner who he hardly gets to see and missed a lot of her upbringing. He wants final say in all clothing, toys, food products, decorations, routine etc etc. My Mum cares for dd as i work part time and tbh i dont want to leave her with him full time.
Before i go on i have to point out that he IS a loving Daddy, there's nothing he wouldn't do for his kids, but when the depression takes over he can barely get out of bed, not great for dealing with a 10 month old.
My main problem is this control freak attitude. If i (or god forgive my parents) give dd anything not "pre approved" he hits the roof. I have had to "lose" various pieces of clothing that he does not like, vet all toys and generally walk on eggshells.
My parents are not exactly supportive of his condition... There are frequent clashes between him and my mum especially, she has suffered from depression for years and has a very "just get on with it" attitude, so sees him as lazy. He has been seeing a psychotherapist as part of his assessment who has assured me that it is not laziness but part of his mh problems.
We keep arguing over what dd is eating/wearing/where she's going when with parents etc.
I honestly believe that if we could get a place of our own where we weren't all stuck together things would improve, but theres no chance on my wage, and he's currently appealing an esa decision so is on minimum income. Our chances of a council property are slim to none and we have no savings.
Sometimes i just want him to leave, i feel like a full time mum, carer, worker, cook, cleaner and i'm shattered. I never get a break as dd still not going through the night, and wont go to anyone else. I also feel like i cant keep everyone happy, parents want me to kick SO out, but he has nowhere to go, and SO wants me to "keep parents in line" as we are dd's parents so should have final say on food etc. (what he means is he wants final word)
I love him to bits, and understand that most of this behaviour is due to mh problems, but my parents have been so good to me re looking after dd, letting me live there etc. Its a Case of him saying "my child my rules" and parents saying "my house my rules"
Has anyone got any advice? Sorry i've written an essay, but feel like i'm losing my grip!!
I noticed nobody had responded to this and just wanted to say - I don't have a clue how to advise you with all this but there will be people with good ideas, possibly in other parts of the website. (Maybe just the parenting section?) And I hope things are feeling slightly more manageable. You sound like you're having a nightmarish time and I'm so sorry.
I know parents with bipolar and parents with Aspergers, but not anyone with such a potentially difficult combination of dxs as your partner is looking at, and mostly these parents do seem to have less difficulties with family life than you describe your partner having. I appreciate that it's stressful living with parents as an adult, and living with in-laws even more so but it's not fair of any of you, in particular your DD as she gets older to be living on eggshells due to his controlling behaviour. If you were my daughter tbh I would feel the same as your parents . Are you getting any support for yourself from HV/Surestart etc, for living in such a difficult situation?
My older foster son was dx with Aspergers at 30+ after a long period of other mental health problems including bi polar, obsessive compulsive etc etc. Now he has the Aspergers dx so many things fall into place.Obviously your SO does not have a dx yet an sounds like he prefer the MH option to Aspergers but that is probably because he doesn't understand it very well. There is an excellent book by Tony Atwood called The Complete Guide to Aspergers. There are also good books by Temple Grandin who is a very successful adult who also has Aspergers.
Maybe reading the books would help your parents?
Ref council housing you should get letters from your doc and your SO's Consultant and from your HV etc to back up the need for you to be rehoused due to the stress this is putting on your husband's mental health and inevitably will impact on your child. It isn't a magic wand but it should push you up the list a decent amount.
In the meantime do your best to look after YOU. If you fall apart due to over doing everything all the people you care about will suffer. They need you to take care of you too.
And come back and tell us how things are goin?
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