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'you don't look disabled' uuurrrgggghhhhhhhhhh what can you say

(59 Posts)
chobbler Tue 01-Nov-11 23:25:24

New school (second day) new playground whisperings, parents not the kids.

There is one wheelchair bound grandparent being pushed around the playground, and me, shuffle crutch woman. There is only one disabled space...

Now I didn't say anything in the playground to anyone about my illness, it was however put on the application form for school so they know about DD's occasional carer role at home. I have a 'gimme space for my door' sticker on the car but nothing else.

I managed to take DD out trick or treating yesterday only because of the frequent stopping. I should have taken my crutches but took the, elderly walks dead slow, dog instead. There was one parent in the group whispering to her friends something while looking at me, then I heard 'doesn't look disabled.' At this point my heart sank.

We stayed with them but they kept walking faster, no way I could keep up, and I was in agony and exhausted after half an hour, so we came home. I went to bed early and spent most of the night unable to sleep, painkillers wouldn't touch the pain. I could barely stand/move today.

Today I got to school early to get a space close to the gates, couldn't get one so let DD walk herself in and watched from the car. When it came to collection I was able to get the disabled space by arriving very early, determined to use my crutches as little as possible, I shuffled into the playground sat and waited for DD to come out.

And again I hear mutterings about my car being in so and so's space and how I was just lazy. I was sitting on so and so's bench etc, the same parent as yesterday. I don't want a battle, questions or misplaced pity, I would just like the subject to be left alone. Is it really too much to ask?

And yes I will be tripping certain people with my crutches if I get half a chance wink

Reenypip Thu 28-Jun-12 15:12:57

I've also had this comment from friends/family or strangers:
'god I'd love to have your blue badge, it's luxury, park right by entrance, free toll bridge, etc'
I feel very offended and awful when I've had this comment, and they are being serious (not even joking or trying to make a positive out of a negative)
I'd give my disability and health problems away any day!!!!!!!! You can have them too!!

flowerflo Sat 30-Jun-12 18:55:51

Reenypip I have got even more nasty comments from people since I had my dd (5 months). I clearly don't look 'disabled' enough, however I used to use a walking stick so that kinda shut people up when they started making comments. However now I have dd I just lean on the buggy to help me walk. People have been vile to me, just assuming I'm a lazy young mother. I have a progressive muscle wasting disease and poor lung function. I find it really upsetting sad

Bt13 Tue 10-Jul-12 22:42:09

I am there with you, my disability is totally invisible, I am 37 healthy, hold down a job but I battle every day to get out of bed and do all the things I need to do.

I have been scanned, diagnosed and am medicated, but people still look at me as though I am making it up.

Why would anyone make it up, thank fully I don;t need a disabled space yet, but I know if I did I would receive the same battle.

People don't see or appreciate the inner battle

gallifrey Wed 11-Jul-12 13:52:16

I have only ever had 1 person even look at me when I've used my blue badge. In fairness I was reversing out of a disabled space at Tesco and had taken my badge off the dashboard.
He stood there shaking his head glaring at me, I just drove off but I wish I had driven round to him and asked him what his problem was!

gallifrey Wed 11-Jul-12 13:55:03

I've said before I'm sure I must look disabled as nobody has ever challenged me sad
quite a depressing thought really

Latara Fri 13-Jul-12 01:16:42

My best mate has that problem; she has a blue badge & usually uses disabled spaces - but suddenly has started to park anywhere but in a disabled space.
She has a false lower right leg & often finds walking uncomfortable due to sores or nerve pains. She limps when her stump is sore but it's not immediately noticeable; & she never uses a stick despite the pain.
She is pretty, young & wears fashionable clothes that disguise her false leg - usually jeans, trousers, occasionally maxi dresses.
It turns out that older people in her home town have been rude or given her obvious disapproving looks when they see her get out of her car in disabled spaces.
My friend has quite low self-esteem so that was enough to stop her using disabled spaces - yet she does really need to use them.

I told her that she should try to ignore it; but why should she have to put up with those attitudes?? It's so annoying & ignorant of people who are old enough to know better.

samjaymc Mon 23-Jul-12 14:00:02

So, it's not just me this happens to then?

I'm 20 and have been registered blind since birth and also short sighted. I also have CP (mild) and M.E. My mum is my carer and sometimes I feel like I'm always being judged because I look 'normal'.

SilverSword Wed 01-Aug-12 10:40:25

Reenypip, yes, I have. It is very frustrating to have people (especially old people, who feel as though they are entitled to a disabled space due to their age), make these comments and abuse, not to mention hurtful, when they don't know the first thing about the person with a disability.

I'm a Kiwi, and we have orange badges here. I always get looks, as if to say "You aren't disabled", and have had vile abuse directed at me. I feel as though I need to carry a small sign around to prove that I am disabled. angry I have CP, and just walking a small distance is torture in it itself. And yes, you're right, just because we look young doesn't mean to say we aren't disabled.

Why do people feel the need to scream abuse at us, when they have absolutely no idea what living with a disability every day is like? sad I've had mine ever since the day I was born, and my 19 years on this earth have shown me that it can be a terribly unkind place.

I have my badge, I am entitled to the space, and to be honest, I'm getting to the point of actually saying something now (haven't in the past, because I'm too scared to, because of what some people might do to me). sad

SilverSword Wed 01-Aug-12 10:41:14

I forgot to say "or normal, doesn't make us 'not disabled' "

kittyatmyfoot Wed 08-Aug-12 18:46:03

i would simply say "you dont think i look disabled?....thats so strange because you actually look stupid"

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Thu 09-Aug-12 05:34:40

Had an odd moment at Euston where as soon as am seated I look 'normal', so sat down in the assistance waiting room & my friend goes to the counter to organise a buggy cart to the platform.

Lady at reception asks who it's for. Friend points across room to me. She stares long & hard then says 'well what's wrong with her?!' everyone in room stops & stares at me.

I shout back 'I have a rare disease which means my muscles don't hold my joints in place, they dislocate as I walk'

'oh!' sorrow voice at my friend 'how does she cope everyday?' my friend says, 'well she doesn't, she needs help from carers & friends'

Rest of waiting room states interestedly at me waiting for me to spontaneously dislocate for them...

The man who drives the buggy also tried to refuse me, & was v rude about it. Then someone asked me to give up my seat on the train to them as she wanted it (she had reserbed the seat on the train before mine?!)

I said yes of course as long as you don't mind waiting as I can't move quickly, & if she could call the train manager to help me... She stopped asking pretty quickly after that!

So I only get help if I am comfortable telling everyone my medical history? Hummm. Glad I was having a confident day to rise to the challenge, normally v different.

I hate the look in people eyes as they get to judge me

zoeymlucas Wed 22-Aug-12 12:26:09

Yes Reeny I had this at ASda this week - I think old people think they are the only ones who are disabled and entitled to park in these spaces. It was worse when I had my new baby but what they dont understand is the daily injections, months of bed rest, 2 operations when pregnant just to get there.

To be honest I am blunt with them now and tend to look them in the eye and ask if they have a problem or somehting they would like to ask/ say as it drives me nuts and is so rude - its none of there business!! I have today being diagnosed with hyper mobility in the worst form which explains alot but also means despite major hips surgerys I wont ever get better only worse so wont be tolerating this reaction from perople any longer!!

Mrsjay Wed 22-Aug-12 17:33:50

oh i used to get this all the time what the hell do folk want us to do crawl along the prove our disability let them whisper and gossip , or do what I did years ago was go up to a group of people and say why dont you ask ME whats wrong I will tell you if you want and went into a RANT, I now try and tell people, not randoms but people I am getting to know like mums in the playground,

I have also lost count of the glares when I get out the car

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Fri 07-Sep-12 01:50:04

I actually bought a walking stick so that i had something that was an indicator of my disability. don't often use it as have fibromyalgia and to be honest the stick just transfers the pain to my neck/shoulders. But it is useful on a very bad day I suppose. I don't drive but often get funny looks if I sit in the disabled chairs on a bus as I'm a young looking 32 and people just assume I'm fine.

Georgina39 Sat 08-Sep-12 15:28:40

Yes Reenypip. I have this often. I use a variety of aids to help me as I have M.E . I can sometimes get away with just a walking stick- other times I need a wheelchair, and am hoping to finally be able to purchase a scooter.

I say well done for making them feel embarrassed about your partner getting your wheelchair out. Some people (elderly) who do not get a bb think it is their right to be able to use a disabled bay space, and they do not realise the implications of not being able to use one. On talking about BB's I think I have better reapply for mine before I forget.


chobbler Fri 12-Oct-12 18:12:01

the back pain whiner was in the playground again last week, moaning about her high strength this and that.(all over counter crap smarties would have more of an effect)

So I leant over and said you want to ask your doctor for these ones passing her an almost empty strip from my pocket. with a 'they are the good day tablets I've got stronger ones in the car if you want to know the names'. strange thing is she hasn't whined at all this week it has only taken me a year to build up the courage to do it.

Soditall Mon 15-Oct-12 11:20:38

I'm not the only one then and yes people over a certain age that want the space are amongst the worse so are the bloody do gooders who think they're stopping someone who doesn't deserve a disabled space from taking it.

I feel like I should ring a bell as I go along and have a huge sign round my bloody neck that says Disabled yes really I AM!

Yet I have to take nearly 9,500 tablets a year to keep me alive and that's about to go up by a lot.

My DH has to be my carer I have to spend some time every year in hospital,we have to move to an adjusted Bungalow because of my health and disability's.

And my health just keeps on detoriating and I'm only 37 and I have 5 young children.

I wasn't born this way this all started happening to me after I'd had all my children.

I have more than enough to cope with without the whispers and people swearing at me because I use a disabled space I even get the same on occasion when I'm in my wheelchair because I'm young(I look younger than I am)it really is unbelievable the way some people treat disabled people.

I think laws should be made to protect us all from other peoples hatred.

Like any of us chose to be disabled!

LollipopViolet Mon 22-Oct-12 19:35:17

I'd LOVE to respond with "Well you don't look completely ignorant, but I guess looks can be deceptive" but a) I'm not brave enough, and b) fortunately, I've never been confronted (I am visually impaired but can get about without white stick/guide dog/companion so look completely fine).

BadMissM Thu 29-Nov-12 15:13:33

I have e an invisible condition and I swear I'm going to bandage up one leg and buy a crutch. I have neurological problems which affect my walking, balnace, upper back, and am in pretty constant pain.

I live in a town full of elderly people, so if I dare take a seat on the bus because I'm not feeling good they feel free to sit and disapprove all the way into town, loudly.

misterwife Fri 28-Dec-12 08:22:22

I'd quote Radiohead to people like that, who I've had to deal with more than once, twice, ten or twenty times: 'When I am king, you will be first against the wall, with your opinion which is of no consequence at all'.

I hate this kind of disablism and I call people out on it whenever I see it.

freddiesmybaby Wed 16-Jan-13 04:13:01

I pulled in to a disabled space about a week ago, and this oldish woman was huffing and puffing, looking for my blue badge. I pulled it out and set it on the dashboard. She wasn't happy though. However, I've argued with people who don't have a blue badge but happily park in a disabled space. They didn't seem sorry for what they did. It gets me 😡every time.

gallifrey Fri 05-Apr-13 12:30:35

I did some disability training at work the other day and it said that only 25% of disabled people use a wheelchair.

BoffinMum Sun 02-Jun-13 12:30:24

Funnily enough, I really really don't look disabled but nobody has ever been catty to me. I think if they were I would just try to be as thick skinned as possible. And my prepared retort to 'you don't look disabled' is 'what does disabled look like?' and if they come out with the white middle aged male wheelchair user stereotype I would just point out that's not accurate.

BoffinMum Sun 02-Jun-13 12:30:59

Then I would tell them to fuck off in my head. wink

JessShep95 Tue 04-Jun-13 12:35:50

Your story sounds horrid that people do that instead of coming up to you. People are rude and you are a strong person, good on ya ! smile

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