Yesterday, DSM rang to let us know that DF's scan results came back and he has mild dementia. DH and I are not surprised, as we've thought as much for a few years, but have tried not to be 'those' children, and respected their privacy and autonomy to deal with this in their own time. I think they're both a little relieved to find out that, (as I have mentioned to them before) there is medication he can take to slow or halt the progression, and there are services they can access to help them both maintain their independence and social lives for as long as possible.
However there are some long term things that I've come to thinking about, around how we manage this as a whole family. While they've not been brilliantly supportive of me, DH and the DCs, and DH (and others) have said they've done nothing but profit from DH and I and our situation, I don't really feel I can walk away from my duty as a daughter to try and help my DF in his time of need.
Although every family is unique, ours is a little complicated - I'm an only child, DH is one of 3, who all live in different parts of the country, and his parents are a little younger than mine. Because I had 2 DCs with a previous partner before I met DH, he ended up moving in with us, so we've ended up making a life in the same town as my parents. In fact, we are renting one of their two houses from them. It's too small for us, as a small 3-bed house, and in a dreadful state of repair (needs new electrics, heating system, roof, kitchen, bathroom, whole redecoration and floors), but it's quite a lot cheaper than renting the same size elsewhere. The reason why we can't afford to rent a suitably-sized place though is mainly down to the fact that DH and I have two sons with ASD together, so currently I'm their carer. I've also been doing some work experience and studying, so that I could get a job which would pay enough to cover the costs of the extra care - so to make it worth me working, essentially. The 2 oldest DCs now mostly live away - one is at uni, the other is with his dad most of the time (his choice), but DD comes back for 2/3rds holidays and DS stays every other weekend and half the holidays. As it is, bed space is a bit of a juggle. We get by, although I worry that DD and DS never feel like it's their home, as they're always on sofabeds/sofas/airbeds when they come. (DS3 & 4 can't share as they try to kill each other, and I do mean this literally. We're also still trying to get DS4 out of our bed and into his own, but that's an ongoing thing.) The council have given us some funding for some adaptations, but after one piece was done, I had to stop anything else being done as the heating broke down and the roof was leaking badly. These have been 'patched up' by DSM, but I'm still not sure we're going to be in the house long enough to have the work done. (You have to repay 50% if you don't stay in the house for 10 years.)
Currently DSM and DF live in a lovely 2-bed cottage (that they have fully renovated over the past 6 years we've been here, so it's in really good condition). Size-wise, it's fine for them obviously, as they use their spare bedroom as an office, but the stairs are quite steep, and I worry that it's not going to be practical for my DSM to care for DF in the long term, especially once his mobility starts to decline.
SO - AIBU to suggest to DSM that - long term - we should look at selling both houses and buying somewhere big enough to accommodate all of us? Then we can split the caring duties between the 3 of us (perhaps with the help of DD/DS1 if and when they're around)? I know I hate the thought of DF going into a home once my DSM cannot cope any more, and although I worry about DF going through an aggressive stage, we'd be better equipped to handle that with DH and DS's help. Otherwise, it's going to be DSM on her own with DF, and so I think he'll probably end up in a home sooner than if we were all together.Or am I being bonkers for thinking that 3 adults can care for 1 adult with dementia and 2 kids with ASD? What I also don't intend it to end up being is my DSM looking after the 3 of them while DH and I work F/T. Nor do I really want it to be me looking after DF and DS3 & 4 while DSM gets to swan about doing the same old socialising she's always had. I was of course, having just finished studying, looking to start a F/T job, but that might not be possible now. So, AIBU?
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Dementia and Alzheimer's
DSM just informed me of DF's diagnosis.
14 replies
OfMe · 06/12/2019 06:00
OP posts:
Am I being unreasonable?
3 votes. Final results.
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You are being unreasonable
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You are NOT being unreasonable
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