Can I have a rant ..

[The80sweregreat]

Nobody to speak to in real life!
Its just everything at the moment: mil is back in the care home ( with C H C) but the care home seem to not totally agree with the hospital findings. They are saying she has dementia and they feel it's too quick for them to diagnose this as she hasn't had a scan or anything.
She had aspiration pneumonia and is refusing food. We didn't want her to have a feeding peg so they haven't put one in.
So lots of stress there as the prognoses seems a bit vague and the care place and hospital don't seem to agree with each other!
My dad is inna different care home ( funding it himself) and he just goes on and on about going home ; his been there over a year and just not settled. He has mixed dementia and Alzheimer's.
I'm so fed up with dealing with old people! Both our parents had us late in life and it feels like we've had years and years of nothing but grief! Mil has had bad mobility for years and is now bed bound. My dad seems to be worse ; it's all so depressing!
I know I sound selfish but some times I just don't know how I carry on ; I can't stop worrying g about them and it seems to just impact my life negatively! My mil isn't an easy person to help or like so that doesn't help matters either really. She is 93.
Sorry to moan. I know it could be a lot worse and I'm not the one caring for them either!
Just feel so stressed!
Thanks for listening!

[GreenBudgie]

Hi The 80's. Rant away, I'll listen :-). I too am a child of older parents. Father died in January 4 years after a diagnosis of prostate cancer. He remained at home with Mother who has dementia and a history of falls until 48 hours before he passed. I spent the last 12 of his life coping with full time work, ensuring Mother remembered to offer food/drink/medication and dealing with her hospital admission following a fall. The last 4 weeks before he died I was sleeping on a sofa bed at their home, getting up every 2 hours to look after him then going to work. In June Mother broke her hip, had severe post op. delirium and was sent home early for me to become her full time carer as she was refusing to eat or co-operate with the normal continuing care package of 2 weeks in care home for rehab. Within the period of 6 months I lost a parent, my job and my home. Life is awful, I'm sleeping on a mattress on the floor of her room to stop her wandering, I only see my Husband for 90 minutes a day as he comes here for dinner then goes home to ensure he gets a good night's sleep before work. The irony is Mother is thriving now she is eating well under my care, the prognosis at her hospital discharge was 3 month life span due to frailty and dementia. The one thing I have found that helps with stress is self hypnosis podcasts :-). Sorry for the lengthy post, I understand the frustration of elder care. It's the opposite of childcare isn't it? Gradually declining ability and rewards for caring, not progression of ability and achievement. Best wishes to you.

[The80sweregreat]

Green budgie, your post has made me realise I have so little to moan about!
I'm sorry it's been so hard for you ; I can't imagine how I would cope in that situation.
My dad has savings and that was a god send as he couldn't live alone and we couldn't have him living with us.
I am sorry your situation is so bad though. At least our relatives are being cared for in homes. It's not always perfect but it's better than I could manage plus I still have my own family at home. My mil was lucky to receive the c h c , plus she has under the threshold in savings as well so she is entitled to help with the fees last few weeks.
I hope someone reads your post and is able to suggest something you could do to help
Your situation.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Both of you are doing far more than I could cope with. My mother died over 30 years ago, and my father is in a nursing home - there's still so much to look after even though his day-to-day needs are taken care of.

I don't think it's so much being a child of older parents, it's being a child of parents who are having a long life. My father is in his late 90s, but since he didn't have me in later life, I'm nearing 70 and DH is 10 years older. Being older means we don't have jobs to worry about, but we have a lot less energy. And the consciousness that he might outlive us - which brings the determination not to dedicate our entire lives to his care.

[GreenBudgie]

Thanks The80's :-). Your feelings and concerns are just as valid as mine, you have more people to worry about and visits to do-ordinate with work and family time. It's frustrating when the Parents are dissatisfied with their care despite you doing everything possible in their best interests. Good luck in your journey in dealing with dementi. As I see it, I may well be looking at my own future and try to "do as I would be done by" Best wishes.

[The80sweregreat]

My dad just makes us all feel so guilty all the time. I find that draining.

[GreenBudgie]

The80's your Dad is truly in the best place for his needs, I am sure you put a lot of thought into choosing the home, and the fact that he has been safe and well for over a year proves that. My Mother complains constantly that she had to move to a downstairs bedroom after the last fall. She has no idea how fortunate she is to be living free of care costs in her own home. Don't feel guilty for being unable to avoid the changes needed to keep Dad safe, clean and fed.

[The80sweregreat]

I know budgie. It's just how he makes you feel!
I hope your situation gets better over time. You sound like you need some help with things. It's all so hard isn't it?