Not sharing the care.

(6 Posts)
dustybluebell Sat 16-Mar-19 13:14:20

Just that really. My mother in law has mixed dementia. Weekdays she has carers for the first half of the day in her own home. Then her children visit after work to cook the evening meal give medication and give company. Technically the weekends are split between my husband and his 3 siblings, but really only he and his sister help. Just today it was my husbands 'day off' as it was his 'non helping siblings' turn (first time in weeks) but suddenly he's unwell and cannot help today. (Always the same excuse) so off my husband goes again. It's his mum I know. She needs someone there. I'm just fed up that my husband won't call his brother out on it..he said he has enough stuff going on and doesn't want to fall out with his brother, but his brother doesn't care about all the stuff my husband does. Covering for him.
Sorry just wanted to vent.

OP’s posts: |
hellymart Sun 17-Mar-19 20:25:27

Hmm, I know that feeling that a sibling's not pulling their weight. Actually mine has now started to get involved, so I feel better but it's always been me that does most of the parental 'care' (as in phone calls, visits, having them to stay, worrying about them...!).
It's not worth falling out about, though, as that might just make things worse. Perhaps there's a subtler way he could get his brother to do something. Take him out for a drink and have a chat about it in a non-confrontational way? Sorry that's probably not much help but I do feel your pain and hope things get better.

isabellerossignol Sun 17-Mar-19 20:27:16

I know that feeling too. And it grinds you down.

Sorry I don't have any advice but it's very frustrating.

dustybluebell Thu 21-Mar-19 08:21:15

Thanks for your replies. Yes just frustrating. Was feeling a bit arrgghhh on my husbands behalf. It's all been OK really and this week's been better. Glad you're now getting help helly.

OP’s posts: |
MereDintofPandiculation Thu 21-Mar-19 09:03:43

If funds are available, I'd suggest you extend the carers certainly to the weekend. You need carers at the level where he can cope if one of the family have a day off. I'd be looking at a carer to prepare evening meal, so that family role is to provide company and socialisation. It's not workable to depend on family for physical care.

BronteAusten Thu 21-Mar-19 09:40:37

Sometimes it is not as simple as one sibling not pulling their weight due to laziness or because they don't care.

My parents are very frail, my DF has dementia, and is physically incapable of getting himself around so is currently in hospital being assessed and given in depth physio in the hope that he will be able to get in and out of his chair when he gets home. He wont be, because he refuses to do anything for himself and thinks he should be looked after and have his every need catered for 24/7 by someone, anyone, else. My DM is also frail and on the surface is uncomplaining and doing her best to get him home. I have 3 siblings all of whom live closer to our DP's than I do, and who (more importantly,) all had a completely different upbringing than I did. Trouble is they don't seem to understand that.

I have cancer and a very compromised immune system. I do not visit hospitals unless I have to for appointments for myself, as I am very vulnerable to infection, I cannot therefore visit my DF whilst he is on the ward. My DM's hygiene in the home is now dreadful, she constantly gets tummy bugs and therefore visiting her presents a different risk, but a risk none the less. I do go there however, but I am very careful about what I touch and never eat/drink anything i haven't prepared myself in a mug I wash before using. I am viewed by my family as being selfish, thoughtless and it has been heavily hinted at that I look OK and haven't had an infection for ages, so am being over the top with the care I take. It occurs to none of them that I stay healthy BECAUSE I take the precautions I do.

Also - and this is more relevant (probably went off at a tangent in the last paragraph but it does serve to show that sometimes, peoples actions are misinterpreted as selfish rather than sensible), my siblings have had a lifetime of completely different parenting to the upbringing I had. I am older than them and have never stood up for myself, just accepted I wasn't to expect fair or loving treatment. I was clothed and fed, but emotionally ignored. This is putting it mildly and in a nutshell, but is the unvarnished truth. Now I am over 60 myself, with cancer, I do not want to structure my life around aged parents who did little to parent me. If my siblings find it hard work and think me unreasonable, then short of telling them how it was (and probably told I imagined it all), there is nothing I can do about that. But I will not spend my own retirement facilitating theirs.

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