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Dementia and Alzheimer's

Aunt keeps phoning about my Dad

14 replies

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 15/03/2019 13:07

I need some advice on how to gently deal with a relative with early Alzheimers so I don't keep hurting her.

Unfortunately, I lost my DM late last year and my DDad died in mid January.

My DAunt is not surprisingly having terrible trouble getting to grips with this and rings me and my DSister several times a week (sometimes more than once a day) to say that she can't get hold of of my DDad and is really worried. She rationalises that someone must be looking after my DM (who was housebound before she passed away) and that my DM might be in danger if my DDad is not about.

So, as I say she will call me or my DS to ask how mt DDad is. Of course, we have to tell her that he has passed away and so has DM.

Now I have to state that I am not upset by this, she can't help it and she is not doing it maliciously. She is doing it because she cares. So I am not angry or upset. But, of course, every time we tell her, she goes through the grief of it again and is utterly embarrassed that she has "dragged it all up" and hurt me or DS. If I'm upset at anything, it's that she's got upset (IYSWIM). It feels like shooting a puppy when I tell her.

We can ask her son to put something up by the phone, but does anyone have any other suggestions? It's a hands free set, so she might not see a note before making the call.

OP posts:

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TheSecondMrsAshwell · 15/03/2019 13:08

*Not hands free - one that she can use anywhere in the house. Cord free.

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yiskasha · 15/03/2019 13:11

I always pretended that people who had died were still alive when my grandmother would ask how they were. It saved her getting upset and having to go through the grief every time.
I've heard you're supposed to "go into their world" and do everything to minimise their distress.
It's much easier to go along with it. Just maybe say "DD is with me and DM and everyone is okay." There's no need to tell her that they've passed away. It will only upset her and exacerbate you.
Hope you're okay and will find a solution!

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Crockof · 15/03/2019 13:13

Hi, yes I guess it depends how bad she is but we took to saying nice things, ie he is on holiday. Totally agree with the shooting a puppy feeling, I just couldn't keep breaking the bad news

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Tutterly · 15/03/2019 13:15

I've read same as above.

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Xiaoxiong · 15/03/2019 13:17

You don't have to tell her that he has passed away - you can say that he's fine, mobile died, popped out to the shops, whatever excuse you want to use. I'm assuming her memory is such that she won't start remembering each instance and adding them up. I think it's much kinder to do this than to cause her distress each time.

We did this with my grandma who didn't realise who we were and confused us with people from her past, we just all played along and had a much lovelier time because she would get distressed when we kept trying to tell her we were her grandchildren. She also kept wanting to ring people who had died and we made excuses each time, oh they're in the bath, they're out with the dog, etc. She always accepted it and then would forget for the next time.

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CMOTDibbler · 15/03/2019 13:20

It must be really distressing for you. Is she remembering their phone number or is it programmed into her phone/on the wall? If she's not remembering it, then I'd get her son to change the number so it is yours, and then if she calls you can say 'ooh, he's out shopping/at the football/other thing she would have known him to do'. She won't be distressed, and will probably be phoning less if the feeling is 'everything is OK and safe'.

Lying to my mum was the best thing I ever started doing. Incredibly hard, but not correcting her and going along with her beliefs made her much happier

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AnnaMagnani · 15/03/2019 13:21

Have you talked to her son about how bad her dementia is? He may have other stories of what she is doing and this will help build a picture that things are not as mild as everyone thought, especially if she is building a paranoid worldview that your DM is in danger.

She may be at a time where she is needing more support generally - something to keep her busy in the day such as a day centre so she isn't busy just ruminating or ringing a dead line all day.

Also the Alzheimers society have some great aids in their shop such as big reminders you can use.

Does she have an Admiral Nurse you can contact for advice?

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AnnaMagnani · 15/03/2019 13:26

Yes, to changing the numbers - we had to get FIL a new phone to block outside lines as he was vulnerable to any scam caller. It only had the option of him ringing 4 pre-programmed numbers as well - stopped him endlessly trying to buy a new car.

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staydazzling · 15/03/2019 13:27

in training we were always advised to not be direct about death, if it was neccessary word it in a way where they make the connection themselves, i.e ""where's my mum" " well, youre 84 now yourself?" "OH, ....right" is better than "shes dead".

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Lemond1fficult · 15/03/2019 13:40

There's a This American Life about improv and dementia: www.thisamericanlife.org/532/transcript

The third story should be relevant to you. The couple featured have also recorded a Ted talk.

Hope it helps

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TheSecondMrsAshwell · 15/03/2019 14:00

Thanks all.

Silly isn't it? I never thought to lie to her and tell her he's out with the dog/gone shopping/in the bath/down the hospital with Mum/whatever. She can't remember reality, so she'll never recall a fib.

I will speak to her son though. I don't know about her situation, but I'll tell him what's going on.

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AnnaMagnani · 15/03/2019 14:16

It would be worth speaking to him just so he can check her phone bill.

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Parly · 15/03/2019 14:28

As others have already said the best thing to do for your Aunt is put her mind at ease even if that does mean a little fib and white lie.

I worked for years in dementia care and used to train staff but there are still some that think you should always tell the truth and not lie which was called "reality orientation" That's the cruellest thing I can imagine doing to a person.

You give reassurance and do whatever to help alleviate fear and just keep it short, sweet and simple. Just a simple "Yeah he's / she's fine they're staying with such a body and will be back such a day and time"

I'd give her a bright and breezy reassurance whenever she calls that everything's fine but do wonder whether it's maybe an idea to talk to her Son and see whether she would benefit from an assessment just to make sure she has the right support and is safe at home.

Feel free to drop me a message if there's anything else you could use some help with or if you're not sure about where to go and how to go about getting more support :)

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TheSecondMrsAshwell · 18/03/2019 14:01

AnnaMagnani
That is a VERY good point, I'll mention it to him.

Parly
Yes, that's it, it is cruel, which is why I felt so bad about doing it. Thanks for the offer and I may be back with you sometime.

So I had a word with my sister at the weekend. We agreed that if my aunt rings her, he's at mine (I live about 30 mins away). If she rings me, he's at hers (she lives outside London). Or I have a whole store of fibs at my fingertips.