My mums not being looked after

(26 Posts)
AccidentallyRunToWindsor Wed 05-Dec-18 19:01:54

My DM has Alzheimer's, diagnosed in 2015 but the signs were there long before. She's at the stage she has no idea who anyone is except my dad.

My dad is her carer, but tbh he isn't doing a good job. He's been offered carers to come in and help but he refuses them, won't take her to any day centres etc, gives her alcohol even though she shouldn't, leaves her alone in the house with the doors locked (she escaped a few times previously and luckily neighbors tracked her down before she got too far etc)

I'm looking after her today and he's put her in adult nappies as she keeps having accidents. Except she doesn't have accidents with me or any of my sisters as we spot when she needs the loo (she jiggles like a toddler) and we take her to the cubicle, she will go herself and we just tell her to have a wipe and then wash her hands etc and she's fine. My dad says she never asks to go to the loo (of course!) and just wets herself instead. That's because they will be in a pub and he will just send her off to deal with it herself.

There's loads more examples like this, I know it's not easy being with her 24/7 but he also refuses to accept anything at all that would help either of them. He wont put her in a home (why should he pay when immigrants get it free etc etc 😐) won't accept help and it's a nightmare

Can I contact the council at all? Social services? She's not being looked after properly at all.

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justalittlebitsad Wed 05-Dec-18 19:06:01

Your Mum is vulnerable and if he's not looking after her properly and won't accept help then it's a safeguarding issue.

Google your county and safeguarding adults and you should be able to find a number to ring for advice.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor Wed 05-Dec-18 19:09:14

@justalittlebitsad Thankyou, I will call in the morning. I feel like he actually wants her to get worse. He's totally miserable as well and I suspect depressed but he is not the type of man who would accept help for that.

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PurpleWithRed Wed 05-Dec-18 19:14:54

What Justalittle said - she is at risk of harm, call safeguarding. Google it for his county council, there will be someone there 24/7. Very very difficult situation. You will need to think very carefully about the balance of risk/benefit to your mum and what is in her best interests. If your dad is the only person she recognises and if she is happy and secure with him then you will need to be very mindful of changes that would result in unintended consequences.

Grace212 Wed 05-Dec-18 19:15:43

OP I'm not an expert but there will be adult social services or equivalent, you can contact them via the council.

LizzieBennettDarcy Wed 05-Dec-18 19:18:24

In your Dad's defence here, he's probably so exhausted and drained he can't see the woods for the trees. I worked in care for many years, and it was usually the carer who died first out of couples........

Don't criticise or belittle what he's doing..... take him to one side and say you can see how exhausted he is and that he needs help and it's non negiotable. It's so hard but you need to be looking after both of them here and not laying blame and I don't mean that nastily. Phone your local SS and ask for a social worker to assess your mum. It's not easy flowers

AccidentallyRunToWindsor Wed 05-Dec-18 19:27:01

I don't doubt for a second how hard it is on my dad, mum is relentless @LizzieBennettDarcy and even after a day looking after her is tiring. You can see he's at his wits end.

But then he has been spoken to, many times by my sisters, his family, his friends and he refuses to make any adjustments to his life to accommodate mum. Examples like if you leave towels in the bathroom she will wipe her bum on them rather than loo roll. So when he goes away with his friends on holiday my sisters and I take the towels out of the bathroom and there's no issue, she uses the loo roll. Today the towels are back in the bathroom because that's where they go and she needs to not use them- she doesn't bloody understand!! Argh!

I know it will be a huge issue if something does come of this, if I thought he would change then I wouldn't even be thinking of it.

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FadedRed Wed 05-Dec-18 19:33:57

Could you talk to their GP and ask him to assess them both. Often older people will accept advice from their doctor when they would not listen to their children.

cheesywotnots Wed 05-Dec-18 19:34:38

He might think he is doing what is best for her, they have been together a long time but she doesn't sound safe, contact her g.p. and ask for a home assessment, the surgery may also have a safeguarding lead person. You can call safeguarding team at her local adult social services. Does anyone have power of attorney for your mum, if not then ask for a capacity assessment from the g.p. and take it from there, if she lacks capacity you can apply to look after her welfare and he will have to comply. Although this may not be abuse there is a helpful website called elder abuse UK which lists the sort somethings people need help with.

LizzieBennettDarcy Wed 05-Dec-18 19:36:45

What a horrid situation for you all to be in. It's relentless and thankless, sadly. Your mum is lucky she's got you all looking out for her.

Our local county council run some lunch groups for people with dementia and their partners. I used to be part of the team of carers who looked after the dementia sufferers, and there were social workers and a team of helpers who gave moral support and advice to the caring partners. Plus it was an afternoon out once a week.

Baby steps towards help may be the way forward for your dad to accept it.

Whyohwhy65 Wed 05-Dec-18 19:37:23

Locking her in her house is also imprisonment whether she has dementia or not. He needs permission from a court to do that it he could be arrested. I the wants to live the life he normally has then he needs to have someone with her when he goes out

AccidentallyRunToWindsor Wed 05-Dec-18 19:37:26

He has power of attorney over her, she is entirely dependent on others, she can't do anything herself.

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Whyohwhy65 Wed 05-Dec-18 19:38:10

*or he could be
*if he wants to

CurbsideProphet Wed 05-Dec-18 19:40:37

We had issues like this with my grandfather and grandma ie not giving her enough to drink (ie just 2 cups of tea and a g+t a day) which meant she was more confused, refusing to take her to Alzheimer's Society events / coffee mornings / or even anywhere that would be mentally stimulating, refusing any formal help etc.

Eventually the rest of the family took a step back and contacted adult social care. It was awful, but she lasted over 5 years in a lovely nursing home and was properly looked after.

I'm sorry you're going through this flowers

AccidentallyRunToWindsor Wed 05-Dec-18 19:42:14

She goes to one group a week which he goes too with her. We have taken her to other groups but he won't take her as 'she won't like them' likewise he won't entertain the day centre the dementia nurse suggested, or the sitting service offered as he says she won't like it.
We suggested he sleep in the spare room to stop her waking him up, he won't because 'why should he leave his room' so instead he has broken nights sleep every night and moans about how tired he is.
It's such a shit situation.

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AccidentallyRunToWindsor Wed 05-Dec-18 19:43:32

@CurbsideProphet I am at the point I think she would be best in a home. With people who will care for her rather than her husband who acts like he doesn't give a shit.

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cheesywotnots Wed 05-Dec-18 19:45:37

locking her inside is not acceptable, supposing there was a fire. Even though he has p.o.a, he has to act in her best interests at all times, they sound like they both need help.

NecklessMumster Wed 05-Dec-18 19:45:41

We do get quite a lot of cases like this in adult social care...ring your local authority...use the words 'safeguarding' and 'carer breakdown' and say your mum needs a Care Act Assessment.

CurbsideProphet Wed 05-Dec-18 19:55:31

AccidentallyRunToWindsor how awful for you to witness. My parents were so stressed about what to do for the best. They worked full time and physically couldn't be there 24/7.

Adult Social Care were very understanding and sensitive. My grandfather blamed my mum for grandma going into the home, but you just have to do what is best for the person who has dementia.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor Wed 05-Dec-18 19:58:42

It sucks. I have 2 sisters, we all work full time, all have kids, one doesn't even live in the UK we're doing what we can.

I think my dad would be happier too without her.

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bludgertothehead Wed 05-Dec-18 20:07:08

Simply locking her in is a safeguarding concern.

fabulousathome Fri 14-Dec-18 23:51:39

Maybe he has the beginning of dementia so isn't making sensible decisions,?

chrissie28 Sat 15-Dec-18 19:15:00

How did the conversation go with safeguarding?

Silversun83 Fri 29-Mar-19 17:17:45

@accidentallyruntowindsor - I know that is quite an old post but just wondered how you were all doing? To be honest, if you hadn't said you had two sisters, I would have thought it was my own sister talking about our mum and dad. My dad was exactly the same from refusing help to not wanting to pay for a care home to putting my mum in incontinence pants. My dad also had a big problem with alcohol (always has) and anger and it all came to a head at the beginning of the year and neighbours ended up calling the police at 1am due to sounds of domestic abuse. My mum ended up being taken into a home for two weeks' respite, which has turned into a permanent stay. Hope things are a lot better for you all now, whatever the outcome. flowers It is definitely crap. My parents aren't even old - mum 70 this year and dad 67.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor Fri 29-Mar-19 17:51:35

@Silversun83 I'm sorry to hear you are in a similar boat to me.
Things came to a head and my dad has accepted help. Mum has carers in now and he is looking into respite care that I suspect will become a bit more permanent too.

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