Hand hold and advice/information

[blondiebea]

My dad has been caring for my mum for the last 5 years, she has parksinsons with limited mobility. In the last year it has been a real struggle as her mental capacity worsened to mild dementia, incontinence and weight loss. She has taken a rapid turn for the worst since Christmas and my dad has broken down today and said he can't do it anymore. I had a referral for social services set up but have called the urgent safeguarding team and they said it's a carers breakdown and is common.

I know he wants her to go in a Home. I have a one bedroomed flat and work so cannot take care of her. What normally happens at this point and how fast? She is crying and saying she can't believe this is happening. It's all very upsetting and I feel sick to be honest.

[feral]

Is that all that the safeguarding team have said?

Do you know if your parents would've self funding?

[feral]

And hand hold

[blondiebea]

Definitely not self funding. They have no savings.

They just said it was marked as urgent and someone would call. But does that mean hours days or weeks who knows!

My dad will break down even more if they just offer carers coming in a few times a day as it still leaves him with the bulk of things. My heart is breaking for my mum but I don't want him to suffer anymore and want him to have a bit of respite now in his older years. Plus he is so resentful of her (subconsciously) that I feel she doesn't get the personal care she needs because she is so tired.

[blondiebea]

He is so tired rather.

[feral]

Sorry I went on school run and only just back.

Is there a local caters organisation you can contact? Your dad needs a carers assessment.

Basically your dad has to say he's not doing it anymore and not back down and they will have to step in urgently. Assuming that your mum's care is 'necessary' e.g. maybe your dad doesn't leave her in case she falls, but in fact she has never fallen and could safely be left. Or he helps her with personal care but she could do it herself.

Did they call back today?

[feral]

(Back from looking after dc I mean, not that school run was 5 hours!)

[CMOTDibbler]

I'd hope that someone would call in days, but you may need to chase as your mum isn't in immediate danger, and they always have someone more in need.
If you can be with them when SS come it would be great - help your dad do a list of all the things he has to do for your mum and why he can't do them any more - for instance, does she need lifting and he physically can't do it without risking himself, can he not leave the house as she isn't safe, assistance with toileting and it hurts him physically etc.

They almost undoubtedly will try and push for carers with possibly a day centre. If your dad really wants them to find residential care, then he is going to have to be firm with your help.

[Doctordonowt]

I would ask for respite care. They can give this for six weeks. They may then See just how much care she needs and offer a permanent place,

[SingingGoldfinch]

No useful advice but here to say I totally understand what you're going through as we're experiencing a very similar situation with DMiL who has dementia. DFiL has been doing an amazing job looking after her at home but things have deteriorated quite rapidly in the past few months and he's struggling. It's taken him a while to admit it but emergency respite was arranged following intervention of a social worker and then a visit from the crisis team - triggered largely by her reluctance to eat and her increasing agitation. She's in respite at the moment but not doing great - still not really eating and very worried. DFiL is in a right state - doesn't want to admit he can't look after her at home but knows he can't. He's been to visit her a few times and she's not been dressed which has upset him too. He has been such an amazing husband to her but he is physically and mentally broken by it now and I think he's realising that things can't go on the way they are.

So, sorry for rambling on but just wanted to say you're not the only one navigating through this nightmare.