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I am about to fall and crack apart, I need help.

(13 Posts)
tootiredtocry Sat 11-Nov-17 22:19:24

Hi I am trying to look after my mum (not DM) with vascular dementia, while trying to hold down a house, job and raise dd. I cannot do this anymore without help but cant seem to get any help for me or her. I dont live with her and dont even like her but the sole reponsibiltiy is yet again on me. My OH really doesnt help or understand and have no family helping out. I am sat here tonight again in pieces as I just cant do this anymore.
I am already on antidepressents due to my childhood, but now everyone thinks I should put what little life I have on hold to look after a woman who has spent her life using people to get a life of riley. I just dont know what to do. I know nobody will have any advice, I just needed to get it all out.

rogueantimatter Sat 11-Nov-17 22:23:02


So sorry if this us simplistic, but could you tell social services that you are not fit to look after her much? Mental health problems.

tootiredtocry Sat 11-Nov-17 22:28:54

Thats how I spent all day yesterday, on the phone to different agencies. SS say refer her to the mental health team, the mental health team say she still has capasity so they wont do anything so speak to the doctor or social services. Part of the problem is she is so malipulative she plays everyone, so she will cry to me and the doctor that she needs help, then when she gets help she tells them she doesnt need them so they go. I just need it to end, either her or me. I cannot go on like this anymore.

ohdostopfiddling Sat 11-Nov-17 22:32:12

I've heard that Age Uk and the Alzheimer's society have helplines and possibly resources or respite. Caring for Carers is another charity which offers a range of help for you. I'm so sorry you are going through all this flowers

QuiteLikely5 Sat 11-Nov-17 22:33:05

You do not have to do this.

Put it in writing to the gp that you have been her carer but as from Monday you will not be doing anything to ensure she is not a risk to herself or others.

Do not engage with her if she is harmful to your own health.

Statutory agencies will only step in when they have to. They are a safety net at the moment you are stopping that net being put in place. Best to write that letter

BearFoxBear Sat 11-Nov-17 22:35:36

Call or visit an Alzheimer Society cafe/centre in your area. They are experts and can give you very clear advice and support you.

Time40 Sat 11-Nov-17 22:44:15

Legally, no adult can be forced to care for another adult. You have no legal responsibility. Do what Quite says, and tell Social Services (I'd tell them, rather than the GP) that you are unable to provide care any longer. Just ring them and tell them, first thing on Monday. If they try to argue you out of it, just repeat that you are unable to provide care, and refuse to engage with any further discussion. If they still continue to argue, say again that you are unable to provide care, and that you are going to end the call - and then do. Social Services will try anything and everything to guilt-trip you into going on with this, and the only way of making them do their duty is absolute, point-blank refusal to continue.

rogueantimatter Sat 11-Nov-17 22:44:20

We are all equally deserving of happiness. Your needs are just as important as your mother's. I agree you don't have to do this. You can only do so much. If she suffers because she won't have ahyone help except you then those are the natural consequences lf her bad behaviour.

I agree with pps who advise telling your gp that you are unable to be her carer.

I hope things improve for you very soon. This must be so very difficult for you. My very best wishes to you

tootiredtocry Sat 11-Nov-17 22:46:28

Thank you so much for replying, I dont live with her and she wont go into a home, she has other health problems going on along with the dementia so is often ambulanced to hospital. I am on the other side of the country but have to drop everything to get overther and fuck up my mental health even more as there is no one else. I have family near her but they havent been involved with me or her for years so its just down to me. I have just broken today and just cant do this anymore. I just want it all to end. I know that sounds awful but life really shouldnt be this difficult. Just found that there is a Alzheimer Society cafe near me so will contact them this week, I will also speak to my gp and see what they can do.

Time40 Sat 11-Nov-17 22:50:33

... and the other thing is that this business of wanting the adult child to help, and refusing help from "outsiders" is very very common in people with dementia. Unfortunately, if they turn away help, the only thing to do is to allow a crisis to develop, at which point Social Services will step in.

Time40 Sat 11-Nov-17 22:53:51

I just want it all to end

Yes, I hear you. Me too. Good luck, OP - be strong, take action, and refuse to let it ruin your life any longer.

BearFoxBear Sat 11-Nov-17 22:58:56

It's OK to need some help here. The reason that the Alzheimer Society exists is because it's often unbearable and you're not alone in needing help.

tootiredtocry Sun 12-Nov-17 15:03:43

Thank you so much for your replies, it does mean a lot.

I think this might be the crisis point, I have spoken to the Hosptial today and they dont want to discharge her without a full care package, but social services are reluctuant to get involved as they have been through this with her before, there is another medical issue she has which is their biggest concern at the moment and that could be the think which puts her into sheltered accommodation.

Luckily the hospital have rung me as they dont have full records there of what medication shes on and the dementia, aggression etc, I have been through this time and time again and I am just exhausted. I will speak to hers and my GP tomorrow. All I need is for them to take away the medical capasity and I can make all our lives easier and safer.

I havent gone across to see her today as spent the day with DD and her dance competition, she isnt very happy about it but today I just dont care.

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