Is there anyone here who doesn't even care their mother has dementia?

[nicenewone1]

Wow that title is harsh, but it's true

She has started to decline, and all I'm bothered about is the extra leg work I'll have to put in. Yes I know God will strike me down and I will deserve it.

She was never a mother to me, my dad was my main influence, and not a particularly good one. I think she's always been depressed, and think she may have some brain damage but it doesn't alter the fact I don't think I have any feelings for her. Not sure I ever had. No siblings or relatives that are interested.

I do have a fear actually that when she dies I will be hit with unimaginable guilt and grief.

Anyway, she wants to live with me. Out of the question. She comes round for tea once a week and that's too much, she drops poo out of her trouser legs, is sick into her dinner at the table, coughs with food in her open mouth. We can't bear it.

I will do the right thing by her, and see this through. I'll be the daughter I need to be.

Is there anyone else who just has no interest to the point of just been inconvenienced by it all?

[imthelastsplash]

Me - my mum very suddenly (literally overnight) became very confused and was diagnosed with dementia.

I looked after her at home for a year (which in hindsight was a ridiculous idea, she was incredibly cruel when I was a child and the dementia didn't make her any kinder).

She is in a care home now and I haven't seen her for 5 years. I have no guilt, she doesn't know who I am and she didn't like me when she did.

[IlPorcupinoNilSodomyEst]

Find a really good home for her and let them take care of her. If you don't have a loving relationship already, it's not going to appear now so all you're bound to is being she's looked after.

[IlPorcupinoNilSodomyEst]

Sorry, being sure she's looked after.

[nicenewone1]

Oh wow splash, how very sad.

I feared I would be slated, so thank you.

I actually grieve for the mother I should or could have had. For the relationship that some friends have with theirs, for the advice and love and guidance I never got. Do you feel that too?

I'm not actually sure if when she doesn't recognise me I will cut contact with her. I still do feel a responsibility towards her which irritates me.

You were amazing to look after her yourself for a year.

[nicenewone1]

Thanks porcupine. I can't do that now as she still has capacity, but I need to get power of attorney asap.

[imthelastsplash]

If anybody slates you then they have a different relationship with their mother than you do.

Me and my younger sister don't talk anymore. She hated the fact I 'put mum in a home' although she wasn't prepared to take the responsibility.

I wasn't a good carer, I'm not cut out for it. I found it frustrating and it just made me incredibly angry (there's nothing guaranteed to push you to the limits than finding shit smeared all over your bedroom).

My mum was well known in the area I live and well respected. I've had quite a few raised eyebrows at the fact I don't visit her. I have had to keep telling myself that nobody needs to know why except me. I'm not going to besmirch the reputation of a woman who isn't capable of defending herself, but equally I refuse to feel guilty.

Sometimes you have to put yourself first

[ssd]

I think your feelings a perfectly valid, if your mum was cruel to you when you were young then she doesnt deserve your kindness now

[nicenewone1]

Goodness me splash, I've dealt with nothing yet by comparison. Sad that you also lost your sister. At least I don't have one to lose. I take my hat off to you

What will you do when the time comes? Will you sort or attend the funeral?

My DH's father died in a London hospital several years ago. He was a horrible man. When they rang to enquire about arrangements, DH told them to tip him into the Thames.

Ssd, splash's mum was cruel, mine wasn't. She was just useless.

[DrSeuss]

I shocked the Hell out of a very religious colleague by stating clearly to her that I didn't miss my mother after she died of cancer. I didn't, I don't now. What was there to miss? Someone who permanently damaged my mental health with her behaviour? A close friend who knew all about my mother asked me if it bothered me that she was gone and was pleased for me that I did not. She said that she would have been more worried if I had. I am grateful she is not here to fuck up my children. DS was 16 months when she died and she had already started belittling him and telling me how rubbish he was!

In short, YANBU. I am very sorry for your troubles, not this one, the ones that made you feel like that about her as I know all about how that feels

[nicenewone1]

Thanks to all of you for your understanding. I thought I would be the wicked witch of mumsnet tonight.

Big hugs to you Dr Seuss, you sound like a really strong and grounded person. It actually scares the hell out of me that I may have unwittingly damaged my own children like she unwittingly damaged me.

[imthelastsplash]

I don't think I'd even know if she died TBH, sorry I sound really callous. It's been a long time since I've seen her though, she rarely crosses my mind

[Chippednailvarnishing]

I'm in a similar situation, DF is dying and I'm being pressured to "do more".
He left when I was a toddler, reappeared sporadically from when I was 12 and saw me when it suited him as an adult.
I've bailed him out, sat in crown court when he was on trial, made a Christmas dinner which he cancelled coming to an hour beforehand and tried to build a relationship, but truth be told he only contacts me when he needs something.
I just don't have the energy.

[nicenewone1]

Chipped, DH father was like that, I said up thread that when he died DH told them to chuck him in the Thames.

In fact DH whole family only contacts him when they want something.

Splash, I hope I can be as forthright as you. I just want it all to go away, like chipped said, I don't have the energy for her. She never had the energy for me.

[Chippednailvarnishing]

Funny thing is I'm being painted as the bad guy.
I suppose my wake up call was seeing my DCs being treated as I was as a child and thinking about the damage it caused.
She's not your responsibility OP, and whilst I too think onces he's gone God will be ready to condemn me to hell and I'll get eaten up by guilt, there's always the other approach.

Treat those how you want to be treated, so in some ways my DF is reaping what he sowed.

[nicenewone1]

Well there's only my uncle who thinks I'm the bad guy, there is nobody else. He doesn't visit her either as she lives in squalor and he gets a right old ear bashing about why he never visits. So he doesn't visit, but thinks that I should be bending over backwards for her.

My mother is also reaping what she sowed, but hasn't got the brains to ever work it out. I mean that literally.

[ZaZathecat]

I was all ready to be indignant, having just lost my lovely dm after years of dementia. But no, I don't blame you at all for how you feel.

[mrsBeverleygoldberg]

My mum is a malignant narcissist. Her behaviour has damaged me and my dcs and caused a great deal of upset in my marriage. I have depression, anxiety and PTSD. I have had no contact for three and a half years. I am never going to see her again. I don't wish her ill, but I will never know what happens to her. I feel nothing about either of my abusive parents.

[nicenewone1]

Oh to have had a lovely mum cat, you must have some lovely memories to remember her by. Sorry for your loss.

Beverley, I had to Google that. Goodness me how awful for you all, you've really been through the mill. Hope that with them out of your life you'll find some sanctuary.

[Chippednailvarnishing]

It's hard accepting your parents can't parent and unfortunately just because they are dying, that doesn't change anything.

[mrsBeverleygoldberg]

Thank you nice. I've researched my dad's behaviour and he comes reasonably high score for psychopath. I think he groomed my mum as she was 16 when they met, and she had a very abusive mum herself. My mum put me in the shed because I screamed so much and refused to sleep when I was a newborn! They tell it as a funny story!

[Love51]

Interesting that those of you with difficult parents feel obliged to look after them. Is that repeating a life long pattern? I have a great relationship with my parents, but appreciate not everyone is that lucky. I remember a friend being shocked dh had gone months without speaking to his mum, I wanted to say, It's not like your mum, It's different. But it was tricky to explain.
Those of you with tricky relationship have to protect yourself emotionally.

[Apricotjamsndwich]

Oh thank you for your honesty. My mum was a good mum in many ways and she could be genuinely loving and lighthearted however...she has her own problems, unacknowledged depression, anxiety, paranoia an inclination towards aggression, passive or otherwise and a tendancy to be soul crushingly negative and critical all hang-overs from her own difficult childhood but not surprisingly she now doesn't have a wide circle of friends and her partner left a few years ago- it would be safe to say she has never had much insight into how she makes others feel. My sisters and I have been doing the best we can to help her with her dementia. E.g we pushed for an early diagnosis which got the medication that slows down progression of the disease but my mother wouldn't take them 'what do doctors know?' A year down the line and her short term memory is almost gone and she gets very confused though she is fine at home and can look after herself. Anyhoo it's a long story but last week I lost my temper after she was complaining about having an appointment at a memory clinc group (while at the same time saying she'd been before and enjoyed it) she said 'you are all feeding off my illness'. I felt decades of frustration welling up. Sharp words were said and I left. Now of course I am feeling bad and keep going over it all. I too am grieving for the mother I had glimpses of growing-up. I am angry, sad, feel sorry for her and guilty. Mostly I just want to be over.

[BonnesVacances]

This is interesting as I think my DM is in this position atm caring for my DGM who has dementia. Me and my siblings have been getting quite vexed about it as our relationship with DGM is different to the one DM had with her and we care about her much more than DM does. The funny thing is that my DM is a poor DM too and doesn't seem to understand that the concept of reaping what you sow will apply when it comes to her too. But this thread is giving me a new perspective. So thank you.

[13bastards]

I'm so glad to read this thread.

[LuckyBitches]

Thanks for starting this thread OP. Whilst I have a somewhat better relationship with my father than you do with you mother, I really resent the care that I have to give him. My parents are long divorced, and growing up it was my mother who was my real parent. Now that he has dementia, he's the one that gets all of the attention. I hate going round to his house. He remarried when I was young, and there are umpteen pictures of the subsequent children, and none of me. His wife has put a picture of his family on the kitchen table to remind him of who his family are, and I'm not in it. Frankly I look forward to his death so that I don't have to see that side of my 'family' any more! There I've said it.