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Putting mum in a home

(15 Posts)
LucyLocketLostHerPocket Sun 14-Aug-16 11:03:54

DM is only in her late sixties, had a major stroke a few years ago and a few months ago had yet another fall and had to have a second hip pinned.

It's been a hard slog to stop the hospital discharging her home with carers four times a day which is apparently the maximum package. They tried once and she was readmitted after another fall within a couple of days. They've agreed that she should go into a residential care home as she still can't even get out of bed without two carers helping and I have found a lovely one nearby which takes council funding.

Next week I have to move her belongings there ready for her discharge and need to go through her stuff and decide what she can keep.

I am finding this so difficult and can't believe how it's affected me. We're not close and haven't ever been but she's so childlike and totally reliant on me to make it work. They've virtually given up on rehab as she's just got no motivation to try. The hospital says they can't find a physical reason why she's still so immobile.

There's no alternative and a care home will be better than a life in a flat with four care visits but it still seems such a sad outcome.

There's been no dementia diagnosis but she ticks a lot of boxes. They agree now that she doesn't have full capacity and she has a social worker etc.

Just venting really as no one in rl really understands. I've moaned and bitched about her for years but I still don't want this to be it.

Lweji Sun 14-Aug-16 11:07:55


It's hard, but try not to feel responsible. It's for her own safety and wellbeing in the end.
Do you have any real life support? Don't be afraid to ask for help or a hand to hold.

CMOTDibbler Sun 14-Aug-16 11:15:39

It is hard, but a care home is the right place for her, and you never know if it could give her a new lease of life.
But be kind to yourself about it. Taking over as the parent role and having to make the decisions is incredibly hard.
Come and join us on the Elderly Parents board on the support thread as we're all going through it together

LucyLocketLostHerPocket Sun 14-Aug-16 11:17:15

The trouble is everyone is well aware I've never had much time for her, we're just very different people. It's seems a bit fake for me to tell people how upsetting and stressful it's been and it really has. I think it's the knowledge that my mum has gone really and what's more she was young when she had me so it feels a bit like I've got 20 years left and then I could be in the same position. I'm sad for her and for me. I always knew that when she died my sadness would be more for what never was rather than the relationship we had but I feel as though I'm grieving early but I've still got to see her a couple of times a week because I'm all she has. Sometimes I think it would have been kinder if the stroke had killed her and then I feel awful for thinking that. It's just a mess and she could be in a home for twenty years going on how long lived my gran was.

Lweji Sun 14-Aug-16 11:25:31

A good friend will listen to your conflicted feelings.
We don't have to be best friends with our parents to feel sad that they're gone (effectively). They are important people in our lives, regardless.

My mother has had to take care of a mother who has constantly been abusive towards her. Still is. She is always happy to see me and is unpleasant towards my mother.
She was utterly conflicted about finally putting her in a care facility even though we all told her to. I think it's mostly a sense of duty and some hope that she will show some love at some point.

LanaorAna1 Sun 14-Aug-16 11:32:21

It's a triple whammy, eldercare: the loss of a loved one, often while they're still alive, the awfulness of homes and carers etc, and the frequently horrible/disturbing behaviour of the Person Formerly Known as your Parent. Plus, while none of this is your fault or responsibility, it's your job to sort it out.

It's gloomy. But some people really do perk up like mad when they get into a home, and your mum, young as she is, may well be one of them. You need support as much as she does - take heart, this is Mumsnet. CMOT is a phenomenon of wisdom and kindness.

LucyLocketLostHerPocket Sun 14-Aug-16 11:36:44

Thank you for the lovely replies. I know that she will be looked after, fed and safe and if she does fall again she won't be on the floor for hours by herself. The home actually has much more going on than the sheltered accommodation she was in before and she could be happy there if she lets herself appreciate the good bits.
I think I feel guilty because it's such a relief that it won't be just down to me now.

CMOTDibbler Sun 14-Aug-16 11:48:50

We're all great at finding things to feel guilty about. But its a marathon, not a sprint this elderly care thing, and its important that things aren't just down to one person as you would burn out. In the depths of my parents taking it in turns to be admitted to hospital every 4-6 weeks, the bit when they were both inpatients was such a blessed relief to know they were safe.

None of my friends understand, or to be absolutely honest, want to know. And from chatting to people I know, its no different if you are 60 or 70 and your partner is the one going into care. Which is why the MN support has been a lifeline to me over the last however many years its been now, and no end in sight - my mum showed the first real signs when ds was 18 months old and he's 10 now.

Lanaor - thank you for the kind words, but without Bob, NMS, SPT and all the others in EP I'd never have coped - we've all learnt things the hard way and its great to pass things on to give others a leg up on this horrible journey

LucyLocketLostHerPocket Sun 14-Aug-16 11:49:03

I'll have a look at the elderly parents board too thank you. It was scary to think I could still be looking after a lot of her needs when I'm in my sixties myself so I know it's for the best really.

LucyLocketLostHerPocket Sun 14-Aug-16 11:56:07

CMOT I think not being able to complain I. RL makes it that bit harder doesn't it. I seem to be surrounded by people who have great relationships with their parents and don't resent them for being such an emotional and practical drain. None of them are in this position yet though to be fair, their parents are still an active part of their lives or far away.
For several years I have done what I needed with a happy face but underneath I do resent the emotional and time drain which has affected my family too. I sound so mean but it's all so one sided, she was a pretty crap parent, a non existent grandparent for many ears and now we're all supposed to care.
See I told you I sound meanconfused

Lweji Sun 14-Aug-16 12:06:48

You don't sound mean at all. smile

I can draw a parallel with exH and I'd hate to have to take care of him if he got ill.

Unfortunately, I really never got to use the elderly parents board more than a few times, but certainly got support when we thought my dad had a long term illness.

LucyLocketLostHerPocket Sun 14-Aug-16 12:18:43

Thank you Lweji.

YellowShockedFace Sun 14-Aug-16 13:26:37

It's a roller coaster of emotions.
Sometimes a care home is the best place for an elderly parent. If a friend of yours had severely broken her leg you would rightly assume she would go to hospital as that is the best place for her? It's not different in this situation.
Most people cannot provide 24 hour supervision for an parent where constant care is needed.

LanaorAna1 Sun 14-Aug-16 21:53:51

It outrages me that people nowadays suggest that looking after a demented elderly person is fulfilling and, by extension, if you don't enjoy it there's something wrong with you. Balls.

Caring is the most dangerous job you can do in terms of risk to your mental health - even the medical profession, who, like most people,
have a vested interest in looking the other way, are finally offering carers packages of emergency medical access and psychological treatments as standard.

BarbarianMum Thu 15-Sep-16 10:44:18

"people nowadays suggest that looking after a demented elderly person is fulfilling"

Seriously? How could it possibly be fulfilling? You do what you can to keep them happy and comfortable and no matter what they trickle away, generally w huge helpings of stress and heartbreak and guilt and confusion and fear and anger all round. I've met people happy to do it as a duty, or out of love, but fulfilling? I've met a lot of carers this year and not one has ever suggested that.

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