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millionsardines Fri 25-Dec-15 23:54:45

I went home to see my mum for Christmas, she is 4 hours away by train, and I haven't seen her for a year, all 2015 I have been under hospital treatment for severe depression, which i have had for 20 + years, she didn't even show any emotion, I felt no welcome, though she wanted me to come, I have never felt anything for my parents, and I was brought up without any love, no hugs, nothing.

If I am honest I want to never bother going "home" again. My mum is 75+ and now quite absent minded, I fully expect she will have dementure, just as both my grandmothers had, which is an evil thing to happen to anyone. I am mentally Ill, and struggle to keep my own life on track, i won't be able to look after her. I have been burned through years of severe clinical depression, I don't care about anyone anymore, I live alone, and rarely talk to anyone else. Severe depression is like being put through a fire that burns away all your feelings.

I've tried to tell my mum that I have depression but her way of dealing with things is to pretend they don't exist, and never talk about them. She literally and deliberatly refuses to comprehend such things. She tried to ignore my dad while he was dying of cancer two years ago pretending it wasn't happening, she never even comforted him while he was dying, she always found some very important housework to do instead instead ! My dad turned out to be a selfish coward in the end, and didn't die with dignity.

How do I find a solution to the fact that my elderly mum only has me and my brother to look after her, and I don't care, nor do I have the ability to look after anyone ?

My parents went through life isolating themselves from relatives, and friends, no social life, and even avoided the next door neighbours, there are no grandchildren, and there never will be but I still feel I have a responsibility to play this game of pretending to care.

Sorry about this long post, but its got it off my chest.

whataboutbob Sun 27-Dec-15 16:19:26

Hello million, didn't want your post to go unanswered. The elderly parents thread gets more traffic, you may consider posting there if you post again.
Well done you for coming here and getting your feelings about your parents out. Indeed they sound pretty inadequate parents and i'm not really surprised you don't feel up to being your mother's carer. It's good to be clear about that from the outset as caring especially for someone with dementia is hugely demanding. My advice would be don't pretend to care, it would be too draining and you need all the reserves of strength you have to care for yourself. I work in the NHS and I know that when there are no children/ children cannot care for or organise care for parents, social services will step in as they have a duty to safeguard vulnerable adults who are referred to them. You could make the referral yourself. Don't allow anyone to guilt you. For what it's worth, i am coming to the end of the line of caring for vulnerable relatives. My mum died 21 years ago, and i found myself responsible for my grandparents. Grandma died suddenly, but grandad got Parkinson's and then cancer and he was my responsibility .After he eventually died I started to notice signs of dementia in my Dad. Fast forward 9 years and he is in hospital, we've been told he'll never go home, he'll be transferred straight to a care facility. Then there's my bro, who has lifelong mental illness and is a hoarder and i have decided i won't try and be his carer. Still got guilted by a consultant on the phone, who said to me "well now we know the extent of your involvement with your father" when i told him in no uncertain terms i wouldn't be visiting on Christmas day. By now I don't care what people think. People do what they can, and it's OK to say no/ no more.

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