MIL went into a home last night and they want to give her back

[honeyroar]

As above. The home specialises in Dementia. They came and saw her, had meetings with us, seemed great. After three hours of leaving her they were ringing to say she's upsetting other residents and we may need to collect her. She was basically shouting and saying there's nothing wrong with her and that she's never seen a dr and we're after her money. She's 81, slight and not violent although can be horrible when angry.

What do we do now? She was wandering in the evenings, we've cancelled her day carers who did 3 hrs a day. My husband was spending 3hours a day there and on tenterhooks at night. It was making him Ill with worry. We thought we'd found a solution, we knew she'd be awkward at first but thought the home would be experienced (they said they were) and try harder than that.

Any advice?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I think you need to say that she can't come home until you have either found a new home for her, or set up the care arrangements again - and hopefully that delay will give her time to settle down.

If she has dementia, the transition is going to be hard for her - but the home should be aware of this, and used to it.

[gamerchick]

You have to refuse man. If they are experienced then they should know how to handle it... Did they lie?

[Diggum]

Agree with PP. Change is so distressing for AD sufferers that I'd say it's best all round to give her more time to settle. Moving her somewhere else or back and onwards again will be worse for her.

Very surprised at the home not understanding this. I'd say it's so common as to be almost normal that people with Alzheimer's will become upset/aggressive in a new environment but this does generally settle down. She needs someone on the staff completely agreeing with her "yes it's shocking! How awful for you! Tell you what, let's have a cuppa while we try to sort this out. Best not to upset the residents here, they're very unwell generally etc etc." and talking her down.

I really feel for you OP. It's difficult and heartbreaking. I hope it works out.

[Northernlurker]

This is totally unacceptable behaviour from the home. I would contact the CQC actually. They inspect care homes as well as hospitals. As other posters have said you need to be calm and clear with them that you will not simply collect her. Mil needs specialist care. She may not get it in that home but she will somewhere. There are some fantastic people working with patients with dementia. You and your dh do not have to do this yourselves.

[honeyroar]

Thank you all. Someone else said refuse to take her too. The home are saying she's one of the worst they've had. I thought they'd try harder. They told us it could take a couple of weeks to settle and not to visit while she went through the settling stage.

I'm just so disappointed and frustrated as I'm cabin crew, and stuck abroad until Monday.

[PenelopePitstops]

Refuse refuse refuse.

She will settle in eventually, it's blooming hard but she will get there.

Is there anyone who could speak to her and explain why she's there?a trusted friend?

[honeyroar]

Not really. She won't listen when shes angry. She's like a two year old, stands with her arms folded sulking and just saying no to everything. We all tried to talk to her beforehand. We told her we were all going on holiday and that there was nobody to look after her so we'd found a home/guest house for a few weeks. She was adamant that she'd be fine at home saying my husband would come, then when we said he'd be on holiday, her mother or Aunty would come (both long dead).

The sad thing is she's lonely and if she could settle would enjoy the company, I think.

[Northernlurker]

Utterly unprofessional of them to describe as 'the worst' like that. Plus I don't believe it for a minute. Any person with dementia will find a new environment challenging.

[sandyway]

I feel for you and have been there. In our case we waited until social services found an alternative as there was no way she could return home.

[QOD]

OH dear .... both my in laws got turfed out of 2 homes but only once we'd found a new place. You have to refuse.
Fil kept wandering into other people's rooms and getting in bed with them which understandably upset the other residents and their families.
The night staff kept turning off his pressure mat by his bed as it kept going off and waking everyone - er that's cos it goes off when you stand on it when you get out of bed!
The next home plugged it in next to his bed, he was from the generation that turned everything off at the wall so HE constantly unplugged it as he could see it. He had bloody dementia!
They didn't think to move the bedside cabinet to block the socket.

(Sadly fil fell over and died of his injuries - court case pending )

[cogitosum]

To be honest it sounds like she's in the wrong home. Surely if they know anything about dementia they should expect this and be equipped to deal with it. I'm really sorry it sounds awful.

[honeyroar]

Yes it might be a case of look for somewhere better come what may. This is the second thing that's thrown up red flags. When they came to assess her on Tuesday they had said 3pm, then rang to ask if they could come at 11 instead. We said 12 as SIL had a meeting, yet they rang us at 11.30 to say they were already there and MIL had let them in. So she was already confused when we arrived. We were a bit at the time, but this is our first dealing with a care home and we thought perhaps they had an ill patient or something, so let it go.

[NoYoureGrumpy]

Does she have a social worker? If not, I'd be phoning adult social care services in her area for support. Phone today, there will be an out of hours team. Her placement is at immediate risk of breaking down and she needs a proper assessment and support to find a more appropriate placement.

I agree the home have behaved very unprofessionally and I'd want to find her somewhere to live where the staff have a much better understanding on supporting people with dementia.

[honeyroar]

Quod that's awful.

[MissBattleaxe]

If the home claims to be experienced in dealing with dementia then this behaviour shouldn't come as a surprise to them. This sounds like sun-downing, which all dementia trained staff should be trained in.

Refuse to have her back. These sound like typical dementia symptoms and if they can't deal with it, they had plenty of time to say so before admitting her. It is incredibly unprofessional to try and "return" a patient after one day.

[honeyroar]

No she doesn't have a SW. I'm in Hong Kong til Monday so it's all down to SIL unfortunately. I am passing info/suggestions I find onto her.

[honeyroar]

I guess at least this will back up our case that she needs help if a home say she's too bad to cope with?

[Coffeethrowtrampbitch]

I'd agree don't take her back, my Mum offered to give respite care to my great-aunt as they couldn't get care arranged quickly and she was stuck in hospital.

They completely stopped any effort to provide care, and only when great aunt collapsed would they admit her to hospital and send her home with care.

Each home should have an online care report, you could look it up and if it is poor, arrange for her to be moved elsewhere as soon as possible. In the meantime, reply to any complaints about her behaviour citing their own poor performance as the main factor in them not coping with her behaviour, rather than her behaviour being impossible to cope with.

[NoYoureGrumpy]

gosh, how stressful for you to be so far away and wanting to help.

tbh the home should know to contact a SW if the placement isn't right, so as an ex SW, I'd advise your SIL to ring social services today to get some professional support.

[DramaQueenofHighCs]

Definitely refuse! I've had 5 years experience working with dementia patients in a home and this is totally 'normal' behaviour! They don't sound properly experienced at all!

Agree with the poster up thread who said that she needs a member of staff to 'agree' with her and then use that to distract her! It works a treat.

[NoYoureGrumpy]

oh, and Coffee has a good point. Your SIL needs to make it clear that the family can't cope with MILs behaviour and that she would be vulnerable if left alone, if you want to get help quickly.

[tvlover1234]

Th ats poor from the home. I worked in a non dementia nursing home but we did take on dementia patients. I had one who was a nutter. Would strip off qnd run into the shared lounge naked. Would kick and punch us. Would be fine one minute and wailing the next as she couldn't find her baby. It was so sad but we never complained. They're not doing their job properly x

[MyballsareSandy]

They were ringing you after 3 hours!! That's really shocking. It will take her time to settle down and get used to a new environment and they should have experience with this if they are a dementia home. They sound crap.

My mum is in a home with dementia and it took her a while to settle down. You do need to refuse to collect her. We had to do this when mum was in hospital and desperately needed to go into a care home - funding was an issue and they wanted to send her home, my brother and I refused repeatedly.

[honeyroar]

I just spoke (via text) to SIL who thinks the home were ok. She says they were worried she may make herself ill and they can't hold her against her will. They said she wasn't quite as advanced in her dementia as those in the home and was upsetting the others. She says they're persevering and SIL hopes if she makes it through the weekend she may settle down, but she isn't happy.