So sad today

[AWholeLottaNosy]

My 82 year old dad has dementia and is now blind. I looked after him for a year but it was so hard, it brought me to the edge of a nervous breakdown. He's been in a home now for a year but it's not been plain sailing. Went to visit him yesterday and it's just so upsetting. He's a broken man, calling out for help and no one was there, being served disgusting food, beans and corned beef hash. Slop, prison food, no socks on his feet, his nose dripping into his food, his commode not having been emptied, eating his food with his hands as he can't see. And when we told him it was Christmas the next day he was really distressed that he hadn't sent any cards or got presents. We weren't close when I was growing up but god I feel so sad for him he's so pathetic ( in the sense of pitiful). There's nothing I can do for him but I'm sitting here in tears thinking about how sad his life is. And tbh terrified that I will end up like him one day. Feel so helpless.

[minklundy]

Oh OP I am sorry. This must be very distressing for you and for your poor father. The state of dementia care in this country can be terrible. As you say caring for patients with dementia is hard but in a care setting they should at least get the basics right. Its not as if these homes don't charge a fortune.

Going to visit him is doing something for him as is anything caring you can do while you are there, like bringing him something nice to eat. A elderly relative of mine was grateful to be brought bananas. I know that sounds pitiful too but it was tasty and easy to eat and most importantly what she wanted.

Another rel liked ice lollies (again easier to eat if you cannot see).

Also might be worth complaining to the home. Photograph things you think are not right.

But it is tragic that that is how so many of us may end up.

for you op

[AcrossthePond55]

Oh, I'm so, so sorry. Dementia is just plain hell. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. My mum has dementia but is doing pretty good. She's still alert enough to know what she wants (most of the time). We were very lucky to find her a good place only a few minutes away so either I or my brother can see her each day.

The conditions you describe don't sound acceptable. I'm not in the UK so I don't know about things there, but isn't there a licensing agency you can complain to? I know carers are overworked, but I would think that, at the very least, feeding an elderly person who is unable to eat on their own and seeing that commodes are emptied would be mandatory. That would fall under health and safety I would think!

I agree with PP. Bring him what you can. Especially tasty and healthy things. Milkshakes with bananas in them. Soft fruits. There are good tasting protein bars, some taste more like brownies than healthy snacks We bring my mum lunch a couple of times a week. She really loves when we bring her McDonald's. I know it's not healthy, but at 92 she can have whatever she wants.

It is frightening, isn't it? The fear that we may go that way, too. My brother has said that he will walk off into the desert first and I believe him!

I've said it before: medical science pats itself on the back over research into ways to prolong life. They do bloody f* all about making that 'longer life' worth living!!

[ethelb]

That isn't acceptable. Report the care home and mane get onto the RNIB on Monday to ask about getting more appropriate care for someone who is blind and partially sighted with dementia. So sorry you are going through this.