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He forgot my mum

(22 Posts)
Ludoole Wed 05-Nov-14 01:23:35

My dad has alzheimers and vascular dementia.
He asks constantly where my mum is, even if she has briefly left the room. Last night he looked at her and asked where his wife was... He didnt believe her when she told him who she was sad.

penguinthermometer Wed 05-Nov-14 01:31:06

Oh that's so sad, I'm really sorry flowers My grandmother has the same, and she hasn't recognised anyone apart from my mum, very occasionally, for a while now. It's hard and horrible, isn't it (((hugs)))

Isabeller Wed 05-Nov-14 01:45:47

I've been helping look after DMIL, who has Vascular Dementia, for several years and this sounds very familiar.

He hasn't forgotten her in his heart, he remembers and loves her but he can't take in and process the information he sees and hears accurately (most of the time) so can't always recognise her as she is now. He might be 20 or 40 years younger in his head, at that moment.

DMIL is in her own world and we try to respond to her world as she only very rarely gets a glimpse of ours. When she used to say "Where's Harry/Mum/Dad?" we learned to say they were at work, would be back later and they love you very much, we all love you very much.

It is very tough flowers

Ludoole Wed 05-Nov-14 02:26:53

Thankyou for the replies.
I was so surprised he forgot mum when he hasnt forgotten me yet. I see him everyday but obviously not as much as mum does.

I hate this illness so much!!!
My dad was so intelligent. He served a full army career frkm boy soldier at 15 to the end of his career recruiting others into the forces.
My dp has terminal cancer so im struggling at the moment. It feels like im losing dad-my first love- and dp -my true love- at the same time.

Ludoole Wed 05-Nov-14 02:29:49

Im 38. This isnt supposed to be happening now...

CheerfulYank Wed 05-Nov-14 02:30:08

Oh honey. You've got so much to deal with, I'm so sorry.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 05-Nov-14 02:45:27

Oh dear girl, you are carrying so much. I'm so sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I don't really think there are any. You just keep doing the best you can and smile when you can. I wish you peace. I hope you have family and friends around you in rl.

sykadelic Wed 05-Nov-14 03:44:47

I'm so sorry Ludoole sad I lost my dad when I was 29 and he 93 from Alzheimer's related complications.

He was in a nursing home in the end which was really hard on my mum but she couldn't care for him 24/7 like he needed. He would get lost in the house. He had trouble finding the bathroom. If you weren't paying really close attention he'd try cooking or leave taps running.

Most of the time though he was still his normal lovely demeanor. Smiling and happy. I try and remember that more than the other stuff.


Thumbwitch Wed 05-Nov-14 03:50:30

How heartbreaking for you and your mum sad

My paternal grandmother had dementia, mostly due to mini-strokes, they think - and she would forget who we were, who she was, that she was widowed, where she was and so on. Half the time she thought she lived in the tv; and some of the time her lucidity returned and she remembered her periods of "madness" as she called them - that last bit was the worst, her knowing that her mind was going. sad

Do they have a piece of music that means something to them? sometimes music can trigger the memories again.

LadyCybilCrawley Wed 05-Nov-14 05:15:25

Photographs help a lot too love - even old ones

MeMyselfAnd1 Wed 05-Nov-14 07:05:06

My grandmother started getting anxious thinking that my father and his brother had got lost. Unfortunately she also started forgetting they were grown up men and didn't believe either of them when they explained to her it was them.

At the end we realised that it was kinder and less traumatic for all involved, to reassure my GM that we were trying to locate them than trying to make her understand they were there as then she would either panic about these men"pretending" to be her children or worry her even further about he memory loss.

MeMyselfAnd1 Wed 05-Nov-14 07:08:18

But yes, it is heartbreaking. Hugs.

whataboutbob Wed 05-Nov-14 13:37:49

It is really sad. Dementia is a living bereavement. My Dad seems to have forgotten my mum (who died 20 years ago) then occasionally he says something and I'm not so sure. Once in a blue moon will ask where she is and I have to say she's dead. Then wants to know where she's buried. He got lost trying to walk to the cemetary a few months ago. So sad.
You've got so much on. Try and look after yourself too.

LuckyLuckyMe Wed 05-Nov-14 13:53:22

So sorry Ludoole You have so much to deal with.

My DM has vascular dementia and doesn't recognise anyone really. She calls me mama now. It's very very hard especially for DSis and DB but it did get easier.

As MeMyselfandI has said just nod and go along with whatever he believes in the moment. It will make it easier on him and on you in the long run.

CMOTDibbler Wed 05-Nov-14 15:04:36

Its awful. My mum doesn't know my dh or ds now, she doesn't know my name, and has forgotten who dad is on a couple of occasions, so thats on the way to being permanent.

Going with the flow is much easier said than done, but is easier overall.

Seeing the person that was my mum slip away bit by bit - for instance you never saw her without a book, but yet she can't read now - is a terrible, protracted bereavement, esp as her personality has changed so much

Ludoole Thu 06-Nov-14 00:37:16

Thankyou all for your replies. Im sorry to hear that so many others have been affected by this illness.
We are starting to discuss care homes as mum has her own health problems and obviously as time goes on my dp will take up even more of my time. It feels awful to have to decide between them but dp needs me more as he knows hes slowly dying.

SnotandBothered Fri 23-Jan-15 19:37:09

Hi Ludhole. How have things been? My DM has vascular dementia and her decline has been awful.

Ludoole Sat 07-Feb-15 02:26:12

Havent been on this topic in a while as its so hard.
Dad had a chest infection and uti over xmas. Was blue lighted to hospital (feverish, completely incoherent and couldnt stand).
He's ok at moment. Sleeping a lot, peeing for England...
its bloody hard... sometimes i think it would be easier if he wasn't here which makes me sound like a real bitch...

magimedi Sat 07-Feb-15 07:31:17

Please don't feel like a bitch, Ludoole.

My Mum had Alzheimers & died nearly 20 years ago. The last 2 years she was in a home & I remember thinking that she would never die & wishing for it. It wasn't that I wanted rid of her - I just wanted her suffering over.

It's an enormously normal thing to think - you are in the process of a living bereavement with your Dad.


florentina1 Sat 07-Feb-15 08:42:36

Ludoole don't feel like a bitch. My mum is in a lovely care home, she has been there 3 years. However when she was in hospital, they revived her after a heart attack. They asked if they should do the same if it happened again and I said no.

I wish that she had gone then, to spare her and my step father. Your sentiments come from a place of love, because you know what your parents would have wanted,

MpowBristolUK Tue 19-May-15 17:22:56

Found this article, I feel it addresses these issues very well:

Theas18 Sat 13-Jun-15 20:20:45

Late to the thread but op remember his memories are of many years with your mum when she was young and pretty. He can't add up that with the elderly lady he lives with now if he is in a forgetting phase.

Dad went through and awful time if thinking he was having an affair. I realised this must be what is happening in his mind - he couldn't reconcile the two ladies in his life - they young one that seemed " only yesterday" and the old one now.

It settled after a bit.

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