becoming a SAHD

[emkay]

Hello there
My DP and I think that we're currently doing things the hard way - I work part time, he works full time, we pay for childcare two days a week. Money's tight and time is rushed.

So, we're considering DP giving up work (and meagre salary) to stay at home full time, I work Tuesday to Saturday (on more generous salary) so I still get one day at home on the school run and school holidays and no childcare costs so we're better off financially and will have more time as a family...

But! We're both very scared about making such a big change. We have to commit to doing it for at least a couple of years as it won't be worth the trauma of losing a nanny we love and DP leaving a work place he really quite enjoys just to change our minds in a few months time.

What's it going to be like when DP doesn't earn his own money anymore? Is he going to feel terribly isolated and bored without work mates and the mums networks that I've built up but have a feeling won't automatically just transfer to him? I am already missing the kids even though we're only just thinking about it!

DP has done the sole child care thing before when our daughter was 1 - he worked a four day week then and had her all day Friday and Saturday and loved it. He has both kids on a Saturday when I work and is more frazzled with the two but it gets easier every day as they get older.

Is there any advice you can offer or anything you'd do differently if you were starting out as a SAHD again?

[NomDePlume]

bump for SAHD opinions

[emkay]

sorry NomDePlume... inexperienced Mumsnetter here and don't know what 'bump for SAHD opinions' means but clicked something and here we are!

[NomDePlume]

lol I found your thread in the 'unanswered threads' section and so thought I'd post on it (even though I had no personal advice) to 'bump' it back into active conversations where it was more likely to be seen by people who may be able to offer some constructive help.

[NomDePlume]

lol I found your thread in the 'unanswered threads' section and so thought I'd post on it (even though I had no personal advice) to 'bump' it back into active conversations where it was more likely to be seen by people who may be able to offer some constructive help.

[threeandcounting]

Hi!

My dp and i decided to take the leap just before christmas! Really similar situation- i also work part time (and get school holidays!) and dp worked full time.

For us it works really well (most of the time!..) Dp really enjoys being at home, and gets out and about too.

The one peice of advice i would give is to sort out who will do what early on! I had visions of the house being immaculate and lots of DIY getting done (needless to say it hasn't happened yet!) But most of all the kids are happy!

Good luck!

[quidnunc]

Lurking with interest...

[emkay]

Thank you threeandcounting (and NomDePlume!),

I think you make a good point about sharing what our expectations are of who will do what when. I know I will have to accept DP is going to do things very differently to me and I know in my head that differently isn't necessarily worse or better, but I hope I can deal with it in reality... He's very good at pulling his weight but has a substantially more relaxed view on most things than me, (thank god )!

I guess it's too soon for you to tell but how are you coping with only seeing the kids during the day over holidays and weekends? How old are yours? My DS is just over 1 and I feel very torn about not being with him day in, day out. I'm sure he and DD will be fine! It's me I'm worried about!

Also wondering how you've arranged things on the money front. Neither of us has ever been totally financially dependent on the other before.

[mumblecrumble]

Hi there,
Havent had exactly the same as you but I work about 3/4 and he works about 3/4 of full time if that makes sense and we have one day at nursery and the rest us. DH has DD quite a lot on his own and loves it.

Agree with above to clearer define what each will try to do etc.

For example DH finds cooking with DD around difficult so I make sure there are portions in the freezer etc. I don;t come home expecting the house tidy but prefer that DD has had a good day. SOme days we allocate as jobs days etc

Not making much sense as tired...

ENjoy!

How will you feel?

[fvdh]

HI - my husband and I are just embarking on this - we had our son on 9th December and I am going back to work four days per week and we are going to share our time with our son....my biggest fear is my husband becoming isolated. There is a lot of stuff out there for Mums to do and breaking into that as a lone male seems daunting to say the least.

[sarahken]

I was a SAHM until my son was 18 months old. My dh was earning a poor wage and we wanted to save up to buy our own home, plus I have a degree whereas he only has GCSE's so made more sense financially for me to be the breadwinner. Our situation isn't entirely the same as yours as my husband still works but I think this could work for you. Our typical day for example:

7.15am- everyone gets up. I tidy all upstairs entirely so he just has to keep downstairs tidy and do washing up and make bottles. Then we all get breakfast, baby and ds fed and dressed for nursery. Then we all leave the house at 8.40am. I go off to work and my husband takes ds to nursery (3 mornings till 12.30pm and 2 full days till 3pm to give my dh a break)

1.30pm I come home for lunch- dh makes it and I help with a little tidying, change daughter is needed- any way I can help

I finish work at 5.10pm and have quick catch up with dh. Then he goes to work at 5.30pm. Kids are fed and in pj's. House reasonably tidy and hoovered. I then bath the kids, read them stories and get them up to bed by 8pm. Then I give the kitchen a 'proper' clean, do floors, dust and usually dry the load of washing I put in early that day. Then hang it all up in the wardrobes when the kids are flat out.

DH returns home from work around 9.30-10pm.

It can be quite lonely for both of us, as we only get thursday and sunday nights together. He would probably only do 2 nights a week if he had a choice but we need the money. But this way he still gets to maintain a 'normal' life and see friends and his own identity.

The only problems I have come across with my ds is that he plays up big style when we are both together as he's so use to be the centre of attention with both parents. It was only when I went on maternity leave this became a problem and has more or less sorted it self out now.

Men cope- but I still find I do most the household tasks as he gets stressed out watching the kids and keeping it tidy

[5ofus]

After we had our DD 5 years ago we both went part time at work. DP works 2 days a week and I work three. Both of us do long hours on the days we work so between us we do a 52 hour week. We now have three children.

I would say 100% it's working brilliantly well for us. We both have time away from the small people and time to be ourselves plus lots of time with them. Plus our regular childcare costs are zero (aside from some pre-school time for DS1 who's nearly three)

We consider ourselves to be very lucky that our employers were very accommodating of our requests for flexible working.

[SilkySilky]

OK, I am new here today and just sussed SAHD must mean STAY AT HOME DAD.

OK, my wife is going back to work four days per week in January, and I have just asked my work for same.

Childcare is over £40 a day here, so even though we earn more than that a day, it seems madness to pay that. So 2 days child care a week is our plan, with a Granny doing 1 day and us doing a day each ourselves.

Got a 6 year old and a 7 month baby, so school run and after school to juggle also.

Dont know any SAHD, but I would be interested to hear/read more of their stories.

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

My DH did this from our DD being 16 months to June of this year, our DD is now 4.5yo. I am a teacher and so was earning more and he was sick to death of his job.

He loved it. He went back to work part time this year as DD had started at pre school and he felt he was at a bit of a loose end but he only works Mondays and Saturdays.

His advice for sahd's is to treat it like a job. We both did and it worked really well. He had a routine for each day and tried to stick to it. He is very creative and him and DD did loads of crafts and got out to the park every day. On top of that he did all the washing and most of the cooking. I continued to do the shopping and pitch in with the cleaning etc.

I think it is important that you see it as a job as well as him. I knew that he had been working all day so when I came home we both took joint respinsibility for bed / bath etc.

I hope it works out as well for you as it did for us. I was happy knowing that DD was at home with her dad and she was really happy and getting one to one (she had never really settled at nursery)