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Ex has violent BF

(25 Posts)
Petrocelli Mon 05-Oct-09 11:14:21

My ex and I have a DS1 aged 9.

I see DS1 once 1 month and occasionally he stays with me for weekends and holidays. I have new GF and
DS2 aged 9 months. Lately DS1 has seemed to have become very withdrawn and introvert. He stayed with me
this weekend, as I was driving him home and we were approaching his road he suddenly burst into tears,
and when asked explained that he was frightened of ex's BF and was afraid he was going to be there. I was
obviously concerned and relayed to ex what DS1 had explained to me. Ex then breaks down and proceeds to
describe what appears to be a living hell. BF is dispensing physical and mental abuse of the highest
order, forces her to have sex on a regular basis and restricts her contact with friends and family. DS1
is witnessing all of this and it is obviously having a profound effect on his state of mind. He has not
attacked any of the kids, otherwise things would be a little more clear-cut.

I have implored her to contact the police, but as you can imagine, she is very reluctant, due to fear of
what he may well then go on to do. He has been arrested and been taken to court for attacking her in the
past. She has had an anti-molestation order out on him, but he ignores it and worms his way back,
promising he'll change, but he just repeats the cycle. He just won't leave her alone.

It also transpires that due to the last incident DS1 is now having to see a Psychotherapist. Social
services have already moved them once to get away from this monster, but he just tracked them down, they
have a DS together - 18 months. I don't really see eye to eye with ex, but now I know all this I feel
compelled to try to do something for sake of my DS. I live 50 miles away in a small flat and cannot
accommodate DS1 for any extended period, if we had the space we would, most certainly, make efforts take him under our
wing.

I need to understand what my options are. Can I involve social services/police independently of whatever
she chooses to do? Could that make the situation even worse?
Or should I confront him myself on the basis that his behavior is having a very serious impact on my DS
and he needs to cut it out?

Has anyone else been through a simular situation? Any ideas would be gratefully received.

ScaryFucker Mon 05-Oct-09 11:21:05

do not confront him yourself

speak to SS on his/your behalf

if your ex is unable/unwillig to protect him then you will have to step up

are you sure you cannot accomodate him on a temporary basis, I don't want to criticise you but if I knew for definite this was happening I would move heaven and earth to get him out of there

could he stay with your parents if you really have no room ?

I haven't been in a similar situation, but there will be a way to make sure he is protected

Petrocelli Mon 05-Oct-09 11:42:34

Many thanks for your response.

I hear what you're saying and I've thought about extracting him and bringing him to live with us, it could possibilly happen, but it would not be a long term solution, unless we moved. His mother would also need to agree. And that would not be as easy as it, perhaps, sounds.

Him staying with my parents is not an option, father passed on and elderly disabled mother needs contant care and attention herself.

ScaryFucker Mon 05-Oct-09 11:57:35

speak to SS, they will be able to advise you on the best course of action

if things really are so bad, your son may already be known to them

in that case, if the situation is escalating, the choice as to where he lives (at least temporarily) may not actually be within his mothers say-so

I would like to make you think about something

if your son gets hurt-physically or emotionally, and you had the power to change it, how would that make you feel ?

a bit of inconvenience for a while until the situation is satisfactorily resolved? Is that too high a price to pay ?

if I were you, I would be insisting SS do something or you will go to the newspapers

sooooo many tales of children suffering at the hands of step-parents

get him out of there

ScaryFucker Mon 05-Oct-09 12:00:41

a boy who sobs he doesn't want to go home is actually at the end of tether

there will have been a lot of stuff gone way before that

it takes a lot for him to swallow his pain/fear/pride to beg an adult to help him

don't forget he will have been trying to protect his mum for a long time, so will have kept shtum

you don't know the half of it

sorry

Petrocelli Mon 05-Oct-09 12:36:42

I think you're right in what you say, I don't know the half of it. I'm certain more emerge, I only got word of this yesterday. Definitely lots of food for thought. Just spoken to ex, she sounded a little more determined to deal with this. She has agreed to contact her safety officer this PM. Apparently BF is still on probation for the previous attack, so there maybe some action taken there. If not, I will need to grab the bull by the horns and contact SS.

nickelbabe Mon 05-Oct-09 12:44:17

get him out of there.
even if you have to sleep on the sofa for a few months.

and get you ex some help: it looks like she feels unable to do anything about it herself.

Mamazon Mon 05-Oct-09 12:50:06

Yes you can involve social services and your Ex needs to know how serious this is.

She can have her children removed if she cannot or will not protect them from harm.

If she has been moved away from him and she has then taken him back it would appear she is yet to reach a point where she is ready to leave him.
It may need a more severe form of motivation. Explain that you are taking DS and will not be sending him back until she has adequatly dealt with the situation.

Whilst i have an enormous amount of empathy for your ex, it is your DS and the new child that are most important. If she is not able to keep them safe then you need to

citronella Mon 05-Oct-09 12:58:05

Oh no your poor ds!

Get him out of there. It is your duty to protect him. Don't let him grow up with "Daddy says he cares about me as much as DS2 but not enough to get me out of there" at the back of his mind.
Difficult situation for you but really it is a no brainer.
Don't know your living arrangements but DS2 can sleep with you and DP and DS1 can have his room.

ScaryFucker Mon 05-Oct-09 13:06:12

I am sorry, but I would not be taking her word for it, that she is "dealing with it"

She doesn't have a good track record on that front, does she ?

She still sounds very enmeshed with this bloke, and unable to keep her own children safe

Speak to SS anyway, don't wait for something to happen

I really don't think you can trust her to do it by herself, unfortunately, abused women, especially ones caught up in a net of violence and fear often take many, many attempts before they get these abusive fuckers out of their lives for good

(no offence to anyone on this thread, who may have been there)

Petrocelli Mon 05-Oct-09 13:42:38

OK a few things have happened within the last hour.

Ex has spoken to safety officer and
i) A womens refuge is being sought, not sure how long that would take. But don't expect it to take more than 48 hours.
ii)She's been advised to speak to a solicitor to deal with all the legalities.

I have spoken to SS about the situation who have taken all of the details and will be liasing with the safty officer.

Hopefully we can get this thing resolved. I will be keeping a close eye on how things develope.

Mamazon Mon 05-Oct-09 13:47:11

I am glad she has taken steps to get herself to safety.

I know she is your ex but it would seem you have been the most suport she has. You will need to understadn she may lean on you quite a bit for the forseable future. she will doubt what she is doing and you will need to remind her just why its so important she see's this through.

Once she has a place at the refuge she will be able to get re housed anywhere in the country. try and persuade her to move far away from this man so that eh has less chance of "finding" her again.

citronella Mon 05-Oct-09 13:50:37

Good start!
What about your son? Going to a refuge could be overwhelming and traumatic for him. Won't you have him until your ex is sorted with somewhere more permanent?

ScaryFucker Mon 05-Oct-09 13:54:33

can you not take your son for a while ?

is it likely to cause tension in your current relationship ?

that would not be right, btw, but of course we don't know how your current partner feels about this

citronella Mon 05-Oct-09 13:55:23

Sorry if I'm nagging but this sort of stuff gets my back up. Speaking from my own experience, Mamazon is right, your ex will doubt herself alot along the way and if her bf has half a chance to threaten, manipulate and 'get' to her she will struggle to find the confidence and strength in her own convictions to shut him right out once and for all.

Petrocelli Mon 05-Oct-09 14:27:52

All completely valid comments. My GF backs me all the way, only question would be how to deal with the logistics. We could deal with the sleeping arrangements, but who would look after him during the day? We both work, albeit GF works 4 days a week. All schools round here are chock-a-block. Believe me we are not in any way resistant to the idea, it's just one or two things would need to be sorted beforehand. With regard to emotionally supporting the ex. I have to say, it would feel more than just a little awkward to be her emotional cruch, this is due to historic events, she's my ex for a reason. I see this being about my DS. But I do fully recognise that I will have to continue play my part in her recovery.

ScaryFucker Mon 05-Oct-09 14:30:56

logistics can be worked out, that is all I would say

and you will find that schools are required by law to keep a few places open for just this type of situation

many have before/after school care

look into it properly, I urge you

mrspnut Mon 05-Oct-09 14:34:17

Actually a refuge would be a good place for your son, because there are childrens workers trained to help children who have lived with domestic abuse as well as other children who have been through what he has.

I work for a branch of Women's Aid and our refuge has a number of children in it all of the time. The communal aspect of refuge living does have the benefit of supporting the women and helping to strengthen their resolve when times are tough.

Petrocelli Mon 05-Oct-09 14:37:19

I feel so annoyed that people like this seem to be able to behave and treat people so badly and have eveyone jumping to their beat. And nothing actually happens to them which makes them take stock and really change their ways. What the hell is going on in the world? Rant over.

ScaryFucker Mon 05-Oct-09 14:39:05

mrsp, I acknowledge your wider experience of this

with Op, or a refuge, this boy clearly needs out of his current situation

it certainly sounds like anywhere would be better than that

Mamazon Mon 05-Oct-09 14:47:35

I agree with MRSP.

I was terrified of leaving my xp because ds is Autistic. i thought that time at a refuge would be damaging for him.

In fact it couldn't have been more opposite.

The staff are not only trained to deal with these situations but they are well aware of places to go for help. the refuges all have access to councellors and play workers.

and yes, other children running around with similar experiences are a therapy in themselevs. they can play together and not have to worry about what they say.

IF you feel it may benefit your Dc to have him stay for a while then please do so. but dont feel bad about it.
Im sure he will view it as an exciting adventure and very much a more comfortable experience than the ones he is havig at the moment.

And yes i understand that it may be difficult for you to be a support to your ex. im sure she is less than thrilled to have disclosed all of this to you too. but you have helped her and it says a lot that you were the only person she felt she could talk to.

Even if you look at it as purely your Dc's welfasre your concerned about, please dont assume that because she is at the refuge all is safe and well.

ScaryFucker Mon 05-Oct-09 16:14:12

ok, will ease off on the "subtle" pressure that OP must take his son to live with him then smile

OP, god luck and I hope things improve, for everybody's sake, this must be crucifying for you

perhaps you could offer to increase your access time with him if not taking him full-time for a while ?

oops, gotta stop this smile

Mamazon Mon 05-Oct-09 16:17:04

Dont feel like i was disagreeing with you Fucker.

I was just explaining that OP needent feel guilty if he is unable to take DS full time.

ScaryFucker Mon 05-Oct-09 16:52:08

I know smile

Am a bit too bossy sometimes

mackerel Mon 05-Oct-09 17:06:30

refuges certainly have staff who are experienced in dealing with kids who have experienced DV and will offer your ex the support she needs. Perhaps you could have more regular w/e contact with your DS to help your ex and for your DS sake and to give him a chance to talk things through should he wish - particularly as this may be difficult for him to discuss with his mum at the moment as she will be in a vulnerable state. All the evidence is that it is best if children can talk about their experiences with their parents/ family and that professionals are not necessarily the be all and end all.

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