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Question for you gents If I may

(8 Posts)
liahgen Thu 04-Jun-09 18:52:01

We are ttc and dh asked me last night what other men, "in my magazines" think about feeling under pressure to perform

I am 42, dh is 39, this is dc#6 and we have been trying 4 mths this time since early loss at Xmas.

I am using ovulation tests but deliberately haven't told dh this as i said we would just go with the flow re sex, Ie, I won't say to him, come on, ov day today for instance. We even missed last month cos he didn't fancy it on ov day, I didn't say anything till way later when period arrived. He said why didn't you tell me, i reply i said I wouldn't.

TBH, I am starting to get a bit obsessed but trying not to show it.

So gents, how do you feel? Not sure what difference it'll make but guess now we've been trying a few months with no results, he's starting to notice more. I don't want to put him under pressure and i really am trying not to.

tia

HumpingAnteater Thu 04-Jun-09 21:17:51

No one likes being pressured into a lot of things, ao if he feels he has too, then he may have some feelings of guilt when there is no obvious end result.

I think it depends on you, if you can stay relaxed about it, i'm sure you will get the happy result you want. The more you become as ou say obsessed I'm sure he will pick up on that and any frustration you have and may feel he's letting you down for not keeping his end up grin

Hopefully your ov days will start to cycle at weekends in the coming months and have a bit more weekend time to try.

Good luck and happy humping grin

liahgen Thu 04-Jun-09 21:18:59

grin

thanks

beardydad Thu 04-Jun-09 21:43:44

Having to synchronise (sp) with ov cycles etc can take the fun out of it, kind of "Oh I hope that worked, I'll be back here in twelve hours for one more go this cycle".
We men are rubbish and unless we have calendar waved infront of us we might think you're just in the mood for it, and thereby remove any pressure!

ABetaDad Thu 04-Jun-09 22:14:12

liahgen - I wrote about this a while ago but cannot find the thread so happy to write it again (apologies to those that read it before). Its a bit long but I do suggest a solution which I found by accident at the end which DH might want to think about.

I was very happy to have children and was very happy TTC ... until something happened one day and it spiralled into a nightmare.

What happened was that DW obviously was becoming more anxious (understandable) and we were having sex 'at the right time'. We were doing it every day for a whole week 'at the right time' but it was not working.

I felt gradually under more presure but happy to carry on as it was important. Then one day I was possibly a bit tired and a bit bored and obviously DW knew she was about to ovulate and I just could not perform. DW said it was OK and not to worry but I caught a look in her eye that was like being hit by a truck. I knew she was really upset and disappointed.

When her next period started I just could not get the thought out of my head that if I had not 'failed to perform' she would be pregnant. Next month came and I was worried about not performing again and of course that did not help. The combination of having to do it, the boredom, the lack of emotion, and the worry about not performing made it more and more difficult. In the end I began to dread the next cycle.

I have read the TTC threads sometimes and I have never ever posted there. I just always think that DH/DP must be under incredible pressure with all the ovulation tests that are going on. It is of course terribly important and very emotional thing for women so I never say anything. It is important for men too - but the 'broody' intensity of hoping for conception and counting the days is not there for us blokes.

Your DH sounds like he is perhaps beginning to feel the same way as I did.

Perhaps the best way for a woman to understand how it feels is to imagine your DH/DP marks 10 days on the calender for the next 6 months that you will be required to have sex with him even if you feel tired and not up to it and not only that you must have an intense orgasm. I guess that would probably would make any woman feel really pressured.

As HumpingAntEater said - every time I failed to perform, which was only 10-20% of the time, I just felt feelings of guilt and that got worse every time there was no end result (i.e a pregnancy).

I found the solution by accident. One day, I had 'failed to perform' but then I suddenly realised that having failed then I had absolutely nothing left to lose. I got up and made a cup of tea, had a chat with DW and asked if we could just have a cuddle and be in love not TTC. Taking a break for 30 minutes rather than desperately carrying on and on, I felt a lot better. Then going back to it for fun and love. Well the old magic soon came back second time round. That gave me confidence the next time and of course I realised it did not matter if I failed to perform and realising that fact made it pretty much 100% certain I would perform. grin

My advice to DH or any man who ever 'fails to perform' is to stop straight away, and then having failed just think to yourself "hey, it does not matter, I have got nothing to lose now". Then go for a cup of tea, take a walk, then come back and just enjoy kissing, cuddling and being in love and it will all work fine second time round. wink

Doing it at different times of day also breaks the boredom.

As I said - a bit long but hope it helps.

liahgen Fri 05-Jun-09 08:26:24

thanks gents. Very helpful

abeta, I think you're right, he is starting to feel like that, and to be honest so am I.

Weekend is here so will inject some romance I think. mil is staying sat night so i think i'll treat him to a night out. grin

DaddyJ Tue 09-Jun-09 09:33:34

I absolutely refuse to TTC.
Just agree to drop contraception
and 'see how it goes'...feels a lot more fun and reckless,
and it's always the fun and reckless lot who get knocked up!

If she falls pregnant - good, job done.
If not - even better! Had lots of unprotected sex and got away with it!! grin

Sadly, I only got away with it for two months

liahgen Tue 09-Jun-09 17:56:03

grin daddyj

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