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Living without intimacy

(117 Posts)
adadwithnoname Thu 16-Apr-09 13:33:33

Of any sort - could you do it? Is anyone doing it? I'm not talking about a choice here. I won't go into my situation, but it's clear to me that there will be no more intimacy in my life. No kisses, no hugs, nothing.

I want to know how other people deal with this, because I honestly do not beleive I am the only one.

doggiesayswoof Thu 16-Apr-09 13:35:25

I'm sorry

I couldn't do it.

mrsmaidamess Thu 16-Apr-09 13:36:50

That's really sad.

There are lots of threads on here at the moment about breakdowns in the physical side of relationships.

Have you tried to instigate Relate or counselling of any sort?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

adadwithnoname Thu 16-Apr-09 13:42:25

long past counselling mrsm - it's a long boring story, but essentially my wife doesn't find me at all attractive, and nothing is going to change that. That's not anyones fault, or at least certainly not hers. It's been over 10 years, and I now realise that I have to accept that part of my life is over, and I am not really sure how to start carrying on, if you see what i mean. There are lots of books about people choosing to live in a relationship or otherwise without sex, but none about intimacy. It makes me feel like a bit of a freak to be honest, and I am, in part, hoping there are other people in the same situation who are sane.

mollyroger Thu 16-Apr-09 13:44:07

is there really nothing you can do to change the fact she doesn't find you attractive?
How did you ghet together in the first place?

everGreensleeves Thu 16-Apr-09 13:44:22

No I couldn't, and I wouldn't want to model that sort of relationship to my children either. I could quite easily live without sex (overrated IMO) but not without physical affection/demonstrative love.

So sorry this is how things are for you adad sad

paddingtonbear1 Thu 16-Apr-09 13:44:34

I really wouldn't want to. No sex, yes I could cope with that, but no hugs, kisses? I really wouldn't like that - would find it very hard to come to terms with, if that was the scenario.

Wildhorses Thu 16-Apr-09 13:45:57

Dh won`t come near me (posted on another thread)and won`t get help
Even to hold my hand I would love

I deal with it and accept "this is the way it is" most of the time

But then something triggers it off in my head and I want to scream at DH
I want to slap and shout at mums at school that moan that their DHs are always wanting it."you are so f**king lucky "

You are not the only one sad

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty Thu 16-Apr-09 13:46:14

i have read and commented on your thread re your wife's affair

if i was in your shoes, male or female, i would be divorcing my spouse, and moving forward in my life and looking forward to finding somoene who loved and respected me enough , certainly enough to be faithful

you can't change your wife

you can change your reaction to her behvaviour but i think she is behaving intolerbaly and i don;t know how you hvae managed 10 years of it

it would be different if you had made a deliberate choice to live like this, but it has been forced on you

stickylittlefingers Thu 16-Apr-09 13:47:12

OK she doesn't find you attractive, but if you are staying together, don't friends hug? Is it totally beyond that? I'm very sad for you.

paddingtonbear1 Thu 16-Apr-09 13:48:26

adad, that's very sad. I am not the demonstrative type but dh is - I do love him and try and make more effort for him. do you have dcs, what ages are they?

adadwithnoname Thu 16-Apr-09 13:50:13

Wildhorses - I'd like to know, if it's not too prurient, if you find yourself having strange reactions to things - I now don't like anyone touching me, in any way, it makes me angry, and I would have thought I would feel the opposite - also sometimes i see a couple holding hands, or kissing, or just being close, and for a moment I hate them for it.

There's other stuff too, but I don't want to say it here, because people will be judgemental - it sounds a lot worse than it is, if you se what I mean.

mollyroger Thu 16-Apr-09 13:51:04

Agree with others. I mean, I kiss and hug all my friends and am very tactile. No sex is doable but...no intimacy (or kind words or compliments ot shared endeavours) would destroy me. It would be like taking all the sunshine out of life

And as greensleeves has said, not a good relationship example for children.

adadwithnoname Thu 16-Apr-09 13:51:46

I'm not ignoring anyones questions by the way, but I'd really like to keep this focused on how it makes people feel, or how they think they would deal with it, and also perhaps there are more than 2 of us in this situation, and we can hire a church basement sometime and talk each other down.

everGreensleeves Thu 16-Apr-09 13:52:51

adad, maybe you should be talking about it to someone - not necessarily us, I know that can be hard - but someone you can really let it all out to? Your feelings are completely understandable. I remember feeling the anger, stiffening at minor touches from people, sudden pangs of murderous jealousy when someone else is getting those needs met

you're not a freak, not at all - your reactions are those of a NORMAL person living in a very difficult situation - your basic human needs are not being met sad

adadwithnoname Thu 16-Apr-09 13:54:06

I didn't phrase that well, sorry - my point is I don't want to talk about my relationship, or how I got here, but it's not something you can discuss with anyone, they look at you as if you are insane, or say "leave and find someone else", which isn't, for me at least, any sort of solution. There must be enough of us to be able to talk to each other and help each other a bit.

Maybe I'll start a website.

everGreensleeves Thu 16-Apr-09 13:54:37

I used to pile pillows around me at night and pretend there was someone there - there was a real physical yearning for touch

it is a basic requirement I think.

I was much younger than you (boarding school and disinterested parents) but I don't think it's that different. I remember one of my friends being hugged by her father (one of my teachers) when she was crying, and I just wanted to kill them blush

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doggiesayswoof Thu 16-Apr-09 13:55:11

I think Greensleeves' comment about the undesirability of modelling this type of relationship is very important.

My parents had no interest in each other (separate lives for at least 10 years, both had affairs then finally divorced). There was no intimacy, my sister and I never ever saw them hold hands or kiss or hug.

I thought this was normal for years - it affected me deeply.

I left my first husband when he stopped showing any affection for me.

Living a celibate life as a choice is one thing. To have this forced on you (and not just celibacy, but a total lack of physical intimacy) is quite another.

adadwithnoname Thu 16-Apr-09 13:55:17

Is it a basic human need everGreen? Genuine question, by the way.

GypsyMoth Thu 16-Apr-09 13:55:41

Oh you sound so miserable and down!!! Life is too short. Don't just accept this! As another poster points out, what example of relationships, is that for your DC???

EllieG Thu 16-Apr-09 13:56:03

I couldn't. I left my ex because I was the one who couldn't bear to touch him. It wasn't fair, we had reached the end of the road, we both needed more than that. We are both happily with other people now.

Wildhorses Thu 16-Apr-09 13:57:41

When I see others holding hands or talking to each other smiling I feel envy

But no I am opposite I love having a hug of friends or when you get greeted with a kiss on the cheek .
I feel like I must be soooo desprate (sp)

I feel a sad cow when someone says "you look nice "
It puts me in such a good mood for the rest of the day and I know its sad because I should`nt really give it a secomd thought

But my confidance is shot

everGreensleeves Thu 16-Apr-09 13:57:57

I'm convinced it is. I have been so desperate at times (again, years ago now) it made me ill.

There was an experiment done by some crazy Russian doctor in the 19th century where he took about 700 babies and had half of them cared for in a totally "hands-off" way - no cuddling, no eye contact, no talking, no touch of any kind - they were fed and kept warm etc. I can't remember the exact details but I think something like 90% of them died within their first three months.

I couldn't go back to feeling like that, and I wouldn't want my children to feel that was normal either.

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