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whats happening...

(14 Posts)
MUMDONEGOOD Tue 26-Aug-08 14:34:51

Ok need a male perspective - after seven years ex asks to move in a few months ago as homeless. Take him in and dd really happy. Everything ok for first four months. He keeps telling everyone including me we are not back together. However, starts talking about our family needing exercise and takes me and dd swimming. Goes mad one day when cant get hold of me (was ill in morning, but went out with male friend in afternoon). Cancels friends and storms in on me and male friend, nothing going on he is a family friend. When friend leaves asks me whether he doesnt have any other friends why is he always contacting me. Wants to have sex but no kissing. Then starts acting really strange disappearing every weekend (after saying wants to contact porn contacts)watched porn all the time on computer. Now found out was living with girlfriend and not male friend as stated before. GF came back from holiday at around the time he started acting strangely. Question - why the big tantrum about my male friend and why pretend we are a family again. When he first moved in it was supposed to be as friends only but then he started acting as though he wanted to get back together although saying something else. Threw him out after finding out he lied about staying with male friend. haven't seen him since and dd missing him.

Mamazon Tue 26-Aug-08 14:38:19

he wanted his cake and eat it.
well done you for kicking him out.

If i were you i would try and make contact purely for your Dd's sake but i would not allow any kind of relationship other than what is necessary for your daughters sake

Mamazon Tue 26-Aug-08 14:38:42

not a man by the way...i clicked on it before realising it was on dadsnet.

misi Tue 26-Aug-08 15:11:30

thats a strange one, sounds like he is either an out and out user, wanting a port in a lonely storm when his G/F away, or he was genuinely missing the family life he seems to crave and came to you to see what he is missing.
I would suggest he is perhaps a misplaced controlling personality? he wants to be in control and is at the moment 'lost'.
knew of a bloke like this before, married his first g'f who was a passive personality and his lacking self confidence but misplaced superiority complex personality controlled the relationship.
when his wife finally had enough of it after many years, he only knew how to control and so totally floundered when cast out of the net. in all his subsequent relationships, he has been the one controlled and he often comes back to his ex wife for comfort and his longing for the 'good old days' when he knew his place as top dog. he goes 'mad' when she is in a relationship of any kind with another man even though he is virtually married to his latest G/f. he is in a world of uncertaintities and he hasn't a clue. only thing you can do is to not let him back into your life at all but encourage him in his life with your daughter. I am sure he will 'come round' at some point, not fair on DD not fair on you. all I would say do is text or write to him to say something like that you don't know what is happening in his life but you hope he sorts himself soon for the sake of his daughter who is missing him terribly. make sure you do not hint at any reconcilliation and say that you know you have separate lives now but you still have a daughter together and you want to make sure she has both parents in her life so please lets talk about this when you are ready and sort something out for DD.
can't remember how old DD is but if she is not a baby, ask him to contact her by phone for longer than a minute ot two to put her mind at rest and that you will stay out of it if necessary.
something along these lines, if thats a help?

MUMDONEGOOD Tue 26-Aug-08 16:32:08

Hi Misi, thanks for the advice. How was your bank holiday? Did it go alright?

misi Tue 26-Aug-08 21:43:26

it was slow and a bit lonely, but spent ages on here and half cut down the amazon rain forest that was my front garden, run out of bags to do the rest, well that was my excuse and I will stick to it!!
how was yours?

MUMDONEGOOD Wed 27-Aug-08 09:20:22

It was ok. Rather lonely too. Being bank holiday there were a lot of families together. DD really enjoyed the trip and didn't want to come back. Me, I couldn't wait to come back felt like a fish out of water.

misi Wed 27-Aug-08 13:24:05

where did you go?

MUMDONEGOOD Wed 27-Aug-08 19:45:11

Went to Brighton. Did it on my own in the end but was very lonely.

misi Wed 27-Aug-08 20:09:32

I like brighton, one of our main 'trade' shows is down there each year, I use it as an excuse to go stay there over a long weekend!! first time in years I went on my own this year, been taking my son for a couple of years before but it was good.

sounds like you could do with an ego booster too?

you should organise a girlie night out one night and have some fun. you're so much better than what you have at the moment aren't you? you have I am sure a beautiful daughter, taking after her mum no doubt? don't let an arsehole drag you down please.
you can do do it, I know you can!!

MUMDONEGOOD Wed 27-Aug-08 20:46:59

Cant do anything properly, just want to sleep,sleep and sleep. Too fat to go out and most of the girls have partners they want to stay in with. dd is beautiful but takes after her dad. Trying not to be negative but finding it really difficult not to be. Too shy to meet anyone nowdays. sad

misi Wed 27-Aug-08 21:35:23

hmm
sleep, sleep sleep is a sign of depression, but its also a sign of thyroid problems.
I am sure you are not too fat to go out and your freinds even with partners must have nights out on their own?
your self confidence is knackered (techy term is that) and what your ex is doing is not helping at all. I think I saw in another thread that you are 40?
well, thats when life begins I am told (trying to hide my age by saying that wink)
I think you need to make yourself a promise here and I think you know what that promise is.

MUMDONEGOOD Wed 27-Aug-08 21:42:29

Funny you should say Thyroid. Had part of it removed in 2004 but doctors keep saying thyroid hormone is ok. Haven't been myself for ages, cant think of depression. Cant make any promises to myself its not worth it I never keep to them.

misi Wed 27-Aug-08 22:25:52

I think you need to go have it checked out again. ask for a Tft4 and a TSH blood test. after having a part removed for probable over activity, after 4 years, you'll probably find you are under active now, very few people having part of the thyroid removed will not become under active!

a promise may be too early for now then but hold the thought. if the thyroid is the problem a simple little pill each day is such a wondrous thing, changes your life so much. make a promise to me then to have your thyroid checked ok?

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