Helping a 'friend' financially

[SpartacusC]

I'm separated and have a special friend who is married to someone else. We've been having an affair for four or five years. It won't ever be more than that, she's firmly married, and I'm her bit of ruff, it's mutual. A part of the reason she'll stay married is that her fairly loaded husband manages the money and keeps her chronically semi-skint. More-fool her I hear you say, yes, probably. Anyway, I found out recently she has a credit card debt from about ten years ago which she keeps secret from her husband, and it is driving her mad with worry. She can't clear it, it gets bigger and bigger, he'd go ballistic, etc etc. It's around £3-4k I think, I'm not sure, but less than £5k. I'm OK financially, no debts, don't spend what I earn each year, (especially in lockdown of course,) and have a bit too much rainy day money sitting in an account earning 0.01% or something. £5k would be a small amount, in that I wouldn't miss it this year or in ten. Now, I'd like to help her get rid of this worry with a cheque for say £5k (not too sure I have a chequebook anymore, but hey), and want to be careful I don't spoil our relationship, or undermine her 'stuff' in any way. What are your thoughts about the wisdom of this and how to go about it?

[DinosaurDiana]

Absolutely not.
You should not trust her one jot. She’s already lying to her husband, so why on earth should you believe her about anything.

[Thatwentbadly]

No don’t.

What do you want from life? What do you see your life like in 10 years time? A relationship in the future?

[17thEarlOfOxford]

You can do better. Find someone who's actually free to spend time with you and use the £5k to go on an amazing holiday together.

[Tamingofthehamster]

You sound as bad as each other. If you want to feel like you’re paying her for sex, give her the money.

[SpartacusC]

Hey, bit harsh, we do have mutual trust and affection, but I do appreciate other points of view, v helpful.

[babasaclover]

I think it sounds like a very kind thing to do. Be careful though if the husband has access to her bank account I don't suppose he'll appreciate a cheque coming from another man.

Life is never straightforward if the situation works for you grab any happiness you can

[judgingcat]

Nope. Because her husband will eventually find out and then it'll raise the question of why did you pay it off and hey ho your affair will come up.

[judgingcat]

Also I agree it's like your paying for her for prostitution. Something also to keep in mind.

[SkedaddIe]

Calling it prostitution is very harsh and I completely understand why you would want to help her out.

But I think it's a bad idea because she seems to have a pattern of destructive behaviour. She cheats sexually and she cheats financially. At the moment she's getting away with it because her debt and her affair are both concealed.

If you give her money you're just aiding her to continue the deception but to be frank you're doing that with the affair anyway.

[SkedaddIe]

@DinosaurDiana

Absolutely not.
You should not trust her one jot. She’s already lying to her husband, so why on earth should you believe her about anything.

And I agree with this. She might genuinely be the victim here. Ie sexless marriage and financially abusive husband. But then again it could all be lies. You say you won't miss £5k but are you sure you'll feel that way if she dumps you? Or if you find out that you're not her only affair? Or if another revelation comes out that makes you feel bad or guilty?

Affairs are bad relationships no matter how you dress them up or justify them. You've already invested emotionally and physically into a bad thing if you add a financial investment into the mix you're just increasing the potential pain if it all goes pear shaped

[Woeismethischristmas]

I think it sounds like a kind thing to do. I’d offer to pay it directly to her card so the husband doesn’t find out.

[blue30]

I think the 5k will come back and bite you both on the bum down the road.

[GeidiPrimes]

How very generous. Do give it in cash tho.

[SittingAround1]

I don't think you should as it's not without strings attached. You'd be bitter about it if she broke up with you.

If her husband wasn't financially abusive she wouldn't be in this position as it sounds like they could afford to pay it off themselves.

[Bainne]

I think you’re kidding yourself about money being a key reason why your ‘special friend’ doesn’t leave her husband and fall into your arms, and are trying to do a bit of financial one-upmanship behind his back so you don’t feel emasculated.

[SittingAround1]

Correct me if I'm wrong and I'm sure you're a lovely person and all that BUT I'd bet somewhere in the back of your mind you'll be wanting 5k worth of sex from this.

[SpartacusC]

Thanks all, just to clarify, we have great sex and have done for four years, and money hasn't come into it. I like her a lot but I don't want her to leave her husband and come and live with me. I'm a pretty self-sufficient chap and like my own company and hobbies, as well as her company intermittently. I would be upset if she took this offer to help the wrong way.

What is interesting is that several replies above assume a contractual element to this, - wrong - but it does throw a light on how some people think. I need to make play it right to make sure she doesn't take it that way. She is clever and kind, and I think it is unlikely, but thanks for the heads up.

[BlueThistles]

keep money and sex separate always .... keep it simple 🌺