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Does this count as cheating?

55 replies

Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 10:06

I’ll keep this short as I can. OH likes rumba dancing. No problem with that. Not my thing. So I don’t go. Then. Radar started pinging. And I found out that she has had a bit of a crush on some guy. He likes her too apparently. Common interests and all that. But she swears that’s all it is. Nothing has happened. They know the situation and the rules. So it’s a No go. They’ve had a couple of dances, as you do there. And she’s now trying to avoid him. Still goes, mind.
I’m getting myself in a mess over nothing apparently, she says. But I know she has been thinking about him a lot. We’ve reconciled (sort of) but I’m uneasy about the whole thing and it has made me question everything.
I don’t want to say don’t go anymore and be a controlling partner but if the situation was reversed I wouldn’t see that as unreasonable if it saved our marriage. Am I being overly dramatic? We all fancy people from time to time, right? We’re only human. But it’s acting upon it that counts. What to do?

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Elliesmommy · 27/02/2020 10:11

If I was her I would give up the rumba. Surely theres other activities to be doing. If I had hurt my husband like that I would expect him to ask me give it up . Not nice you at home thinking what's going on. Sort of playing mind games in my opinion

Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 10:16

I know. I know how happy it makes her though (and not just because of the guy) so I sort of want her to do that herself. Which would be a real gesture to me and say that we are more important. She could still go to another club by the way.

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OhLook · 27/02/2020 10:18

How did you find out?

GingerSnapsss · 27/02/2020 10:19

Ok if it makes her that happy and she HAS to keep going , she can change classes and go somewhere else can she not?

INeedNewShoes · 27/02/2020 10:19

If I was in a serious relationship and started having feelings for another person, I would spend as little time with that person as possible.

Or I would weigh up whether my current relationship was right and end it if I wanted to pursue this other person.

letsdolunch321 · 27/02/2020 10:21

She possibly likes the attention/ego boost she is getting from this guy at the class.

Is your relationship in good shape?

Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 10:21

He could turn up anywhere though

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Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 10:22

Mostly. Sometimes not. Like anyone else.

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letsdolunch321 · 27/02/2020 10:29

Maybe you should try to be more attentive etc within your relationship.

inwood · 27/02/2020 10:32

Sounds like a strictly come dancing mess.

FWIW I don't believe you can dance something like the Rumba and at least one person not have some kind of feelings.

Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 10:34

Yeah, of course. Can always do more. It’s never just one person’s fault.

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Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 10:34

It does bring to mind the Strictly Curse, yes.

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AnuvvaMuvva · 27/02/2020 10:35

The Strictly Curse strikes again.

Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 10:35

Indeed. Except it’s not very entertaining for me.

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qazxc · 27/02/2020 10:43

Unless they are in touch outside class, which it doesn't sound like they are. I'd leave it be. It's a temporary silly attraction that neither of them has any interest in acting on, she's trying to keep her distance, it'll blow over.

FlappingTurtle · 27/02/2020 10:45

To be honest, I don't think it's unreasonable to want her to stay away from him. They have obviously chatted enough to find out that they have interests in common and that they like each other. And she has a crush on him.

In her situation I would look for another dance class in order to avoid this man. It's all very well to know the rules and know that it's a no go, but why put yourself in that situation? Sometimes you need to make an executive decision to remove yourself from something you find tempting. Like, I know that if there's cheesecake in the fridge then I will keep on thinking about it and may well end up snacking on a bit, despite my best intentions. This is why I don't buy cheesecake every week! That way it's not there in the fridge waiting for me.

Your situation is difficult. Like you say, you don't want to be controlling, and telling your partner which dance class they're allowed to go to is not a good thing. But I don't think you would be unreasonable in having a conversation about how you feel.

FlappingTurtle · 27/02/2020 10:47

Or maybe you could take up the rumba and join the class?

Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 10:49

I hope you’re right. I look to myself first and foremost to examine how I may have played a part in it happening. But I hope I’ve not been played myself.

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Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 10:51

Honestly. It’s really not my thing.

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WTF99 · 27/02/2020 11:12

How did you find out? Its positive if she's being open with you about it.

Dancing the rumba can make you feel sexy and attractive. If the guy opposite you is unappealing then no amount of dancing will change that. If however there is the slightest spark between you , then it will only be fanned by dancing together. And of course, the whole set up is likely to be very sociable, maybe with the chance of a drink or two at half time or after the class, depending on the venue.

Your OH is playing with fire imo. This set up would test anyone's boundaries. Do you think hers are strong enough to hold firm?

I'd be inclined to go along with her. Even if you don't dance you can join in with the social bit.

Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 11:17

I think you’re right. It’s a very intimate thing. I’m kinda not that surprised to be honest. I mean, yeah, I could go along but I would just feel like an over-possessive minder and be a glowering presence in the corner sucking any enjoyment out of it for her. Plus, I hate that music.

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LochJessMonster · 27/02/2020 11:21

Maybe you should try to be more attentive etc within your relationship. Only took 7 posts for it to be the mans fault....

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Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 11:28

Ha, yep. All problems would disappear by me suddenly becoming a dancer. But...it just looks terrible. I’m not ‘blokey’ by any stretch, but I’m too blokey for that.

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WTF99 · 27/02/2020 11:28

Well yes, you could go along as the possessive minder....probs not the most successful strategy though

Better to be there as her partner, taking an interest in what she's doing, telling her how gorgeous she looks and how good she is at it, and enjoying a drink with her afterwards, maybe striking up a conversation with some if the other dancers. Y'know....don't be a dick about it ....after all, she's done nothing wrong...yet!

Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 11:31

I know. I wouldn’t be. I’m sure they’re a good bunch. But it would be very odd to be the only fella there not dancing. And she would, rightly, feel controlled by that, which is not the vibe I’m trying to create.

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