2 child dilemmas

[SussexJohn123]

Hi all,

Having a bit of trouble at home. My wife is absolutely desperate for a 2nd child, but i am not so keen. We have a healthy, happy 4 yr old daughter who is my absolute world, i feel we have a really good family dynamic BUT my wife isn't happy and wants more.

To set the scene, I earn a decent wage but most of that disappears as soon as it comes in, we don't have holidays, we live in a 2.5 bed bungalow which is a money pit - in other words we just about get by. My wife is pretty insulated from the finances, i cover all the bills and payments etc and doesn't really understand that things are tight and another child won't improve things, especially since we'd probably have to move given the house isn't set up for a family!

In essence we've hit a bit of a crossroads, every time this topic is brought up we end up in an argument, she's always crying and blaming me for ruining our chance of having a happy family, we had sex the other day when apparently it was her time (found out after) and then when she didn't get pregnant she got angry with me ... which i feel is really low.

I need some advice, i feel like our relationship is on the brink - is anyone in the same position, or has been in this position?

Thanks in advance (and happy f'ing new year!)

[Lolacat1234]

Have you gone into detail with her on the finance side of things? Childcare is expensive, does she work? If she's a stay at home mum I can see why she might be frustrated as it's usually the exorbitant cost of childcare that makes things unaffordable. Looking from her perspective (if she is a stay at home mum) she's probably thinking one more is not going to cost much more especially if it's another girl with hand me downs etc and also that you can have children that share a room, you don't need to move. If it's more that you just don't want another child that's totally fine but you would need to articulate that to her more as she's probably just not seeing the practicalities the same way you are.

[TheGriffle]

If you don’t want another child make sure you are responsible for your own contraception.

I think you need to sit her down and go through everything together and make a plan. Had you talked about how many children you wanted previously? If you knew she’s always wanted more than one and sort of gone along with the idea, to curtail that now is not very nice. But on the other hand, the one who doesn’t want more children should always ‘win’.

[MrsMozartMkII]

As said above, you both need to understand the finances.

[QueenOfTheFae]

My wife is pretty insulated from the finances, i cover all the bills and payments etc and doesn't really understand that things are tight

Well theres your problem, is this because she is not interested or are you not allowing her sight of?

[Littleteacup1]

Sit her down list out the budget and where to the money goes. also list the cost of another child like nappies wipes ect and ask her how we can fund another child see what she says when she realises it’s not affordable.

[BuffaloCauliflower]

Why aren’t you equal participants in the family finances?

[marblesgoing]

Sit her down with all the income and outgoings and physically show her.

Does your wife work?your daughter is at an age where I guess at least preschool coming upto full time school maybe.

Is there a way to up the incoming finances on your wife's behalf ?

[Elieza]

Is money the only real barrier? You need to both talk about the issue(s). Both your opinions are valid. But you both need all the info to make an informed non-hormonal decision.

Make a spreadsheet of all the living expenses so you are both informed.

Work out how much a child would cost. Put that sum by per month and see how you get on. In a set time, say four or six months) review.

Meanwhile use condoms as she is obviously trying to get pregnant, so if you don’t want any more until you work out if you can afford it you need to take as few risks as possible. The pulling out at the last minute method is unreliable by the way. Condoms are the only contraception you can use as she isnt interested in preventing conception.

[SussexJohn123]

@ all, yeah she does work but she's on a fairly low salary so all of it goes on her costs - which help enormously

You're right, best thing to do is go through the finances together and figure out what can be be done

[Jingers5]

I think it would be good for a child to have a sibling. l would try and work on finances though.

[SussexJohn123]

No money isn't the only barrier - I've just started a new job/career which I need to invest a lot of time in to. Before i had the luxury of working at home 4 days a week so i could be around to support the family - that is now gone, we've also moved away from where our friends and family are, so that support network is no longer there either - from my perspective the practicalities are just not there at the moment ....

but she's coming at it from the emotional side, saying it's unfair on our daughter that she'll be an only child - an argument i don't really buy

[GrumpyHoonMain]

Is she spending everything she’s earning on childcare? If so then the problem is she doesn’t earn enough. Go through your finances and make it clear to her that as you are paying household expenses she needs to cover childcare for both children and needs a job that pays accordingly. In the meantime I suggest you not sleep with her as she has lied to you once and seems pretty desperate

[SussexJohn123]

i cover childcare, mortgage, household and any other joint debt - she covers her own expenses but doesn't contribute

[BellatrixLestat]

What are her expenses?

[Elieza]

Yeah, you both have to tell each other what the money gets spent on. She may be spending all hers on false lashes and manicures or on food shopping without leaving a penny for herself.
You both need to share info. Honestly.

[Spacebowlisback]

There are things that could be done about finances etc. The point is - do you want another child? If you don’t, all of this is moot. And don’t put the onus of contraception on your wife.

[SussexJohn123]

@spacebowlisback

i'm in 2 minds, i can definitely see the pros and cons, but right now with a new job, a ton of work to do on the house, amongst other things it's not a priority right now

problem is my wife is 36 and feels like her time is up, i keep trying to tell her that it's far from unusual now for women to have children in their late 30's but she won't have it

frankly it's driven a huge wedge between us and we're on the verge of separating which is the last thing i want : (

[Spacebowlisback]

That’s far more complicated then. And she might be right re: fertility - imagine the resentment she’d have a couple of years down the line if she was.

If it’s something that you’d separate over then perhaps you really don’t want a child. Or perhaps there are far deeper issues here.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

My guess is her blowing all her money on herself while you provide for the family by yourself is a symptom of why you want to separate. She sounds selfish and foolish even if she is 36. Look deep within and ask yourself if you really want to rescue the marriage. I know I wouldn’t if my partner was like thisz