Alcholic wife with mental health problems

[Paul1977]

Hello everyone, first post and I desperately need advice.
Been with my wife for 10 years, we have 3 wonderful boys who are my world, but over the last couple of years my wife has turned into an alcoholic with mental health problems.
This year has been awful and I do not know what to do anymore.
We have tried cgl, private rehab, mind, cbt thrapy and she only recently spent 8 days in hospital due to drinking. Needless to say she started again within a few days.
I work full time and my income is the only source of money we have. My work have been very understanding but that can only last so long and I have to admit my performance has suffered because of all this.
So I'll rewind a few weeks: she was admitted to hospital after a heavy 9 day session, doctors kept her in for 8 days and she got out on the Monday. On Thursday I got a call from the school asking me to see the head and she raised concerns over my children being left alone with my wife. After, I went home and found her drunk. Yesterday she somehow managed to get more and was absolutely sozzled and then went out to an aa meeting. This morning I found her on the sofa with a massive bruise on her face. She said she went out at 2 this morning and sat on a bench and ended up getting punched by some man who had been talking to her. This is just one example of the dramas that have occurred this year...
She is no longer capable of looking after herself, could even say she is a danger to herself, is not allowed alone with her children and I can no longer take care of her. I just don't know what to do anymore. Every avenue I look down just seems to be a dead end.
If anybody could give me some advice or even just dome words of encouragement I would be deeply greatful.
Thank you for taking the time to read this
Paul

[Nightmanagerfan]

I’m so sorry to hear about this. I’m not sure how to help, but I’m sure someone more qualified will be along soon. Have you heard of Al-Anon for relatives of people with addiction problems? They might be a good first port of call. How worrying for you and your children.

[Aquamarine1029]

You need to get a solicitor, divorce your wife as quickly as possible, and get full custody of your children. You cannot help your wife, so your only option is to protect your children.

[Pantsomime]

What’s at the bottom of her unhappiness is key here. Do either of you have family support, has she had/ or have pnd - she’s emotionally struggling - what is your relationship like away from the alcohol- what happened from pregnancy- did she feel unsupported or unable to ask for it?

[Paul1977]

Thanks for the replies. I have been to a couple of al anon meetings and they were really helpful. Unfortunately it clashes with cubs which I need to take the boys to so I can't go that often.
As for the relationship between my wife and I, it was never movie-romantic but it wasn't bad. We never argued but she has always been a closed off person.
The root cause is possibly something that happened in her childhood but I don't know if it's true as over the last couple of years her lies are getting more and more frequent.
And, although it's the last route I want to go down, I fear divorce may be the only road. However, I feel this may make her worse and I can't bear to think of the kids growing up without a mum.
She has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder recently too.

[Aquamarine1029]

How much more of this nightmare are you willing to put your children through? You've done all you can for your wife, but if she refuses to participate in her own recovery there's nothing more that can be done. You are not responsible for the choices your wife makes, but you are responsible for the environment your kids are living in.

[Paul1977]

Update: she's been taken to a&e to see the metal health intervention crisis team.
We just had to break the bathroom door down and found her head underwater, not sure if it was on purpose or if she fell asleep. Needless to say she's been drinking again this morning

[Drum2018]

Leave her there. Don't take responsibility for bringing her home again. You need to get legal advice and get the hell out of this marriage for your own sake and that of your kids. Do not put them through any more of these incidents where she's drunk around them. Does she have family? If so contact them, tell them where she is and tell them you are done. You have supported her way beyond what others would do and that's commendable. However you surely aren't living a good life for yourself. You and your kids deserve better. Maybe in time she will make a good stab at recovery but for now you need to put yourself and the kids first. See a solicitor asap and get the ball rolling about getting full custody of your children.

[user1494670108]

I agree with pp, you need to leave in order to protect your children.
However hard, however unkind it might seem to her and whatever the consequences to her, your children deserve better.
Good luck,

[StanleySteamer]

You need marriage counselling and/or she needs some form of therapy to see if they can get to the bottom of the problem she has had that you think may be causing it. This may be a late-developing form of PTSD and she may be drinking to stop herself thinking about whatever the trauma was.
But neither of you can run away from it and if it continues and she puts the kids in danger, they may well end up in care anyway, so you need help to get it sorted.
Best of luck mate, I really feel for you.

[Strugglingtodomybest]

I agree with Aqua, you need to remove your children from this situation. Don't feel bad, it sounds like you've done everything you can to help her, but it sounds like her alcoholism has gone too far for her to stop.

If you and the children left her, do you think that would give her the impetus to stop drinking, or would she then be free to drink herself to death?

[Paul1977]

So an update.
My wife has now gone 5 weeks without a drink.
I know it's a relatively small amount of time but it has been a massive step for her (and us as a family).
I think she finally reached rock bottom and so the only way was up.
I know there is still an extremely long path to travel but hopefully she is now on the right path.

[Ilovethekitties]

This is a great update. I hope your wife remains sober.

[cultkid]

She is so brave, addiction is horrific
You are also so brave to share the hard times you are all going through
Sending your family love and strength in these trying times

I also saw a study out this week in the states using a ketamine transfusion to help break the addiction cycle with alcohol

[elephantoverthehill]

I hope it is much better but remember 'small steps'.

[overnightangel]

Glad to hear your update Paul.
Please keep us posted, I wish you all all the best

[theemmadilemma]

That's a great update. I hope she succeeds. I've been sober a couple of weeks longer, so I wish her well on her journey.

@cultkid That's really interesting.

Paul is she receiving Campral? It's worth looking into if she isn't.

[LotteLupin]

That's fantastic news. I read the earlier posts and had been going to say no don't divorce her - you can't divorce someone for being ill. You just have to stick by them (at the same time as protecting the kids - so if sticking by her meant having her sectioned or whatever, that would have been the way). Anyhow she hit her own rock bottom and is now doing fantastically to be sober and getting better.

I have to say I'm sure she couldn't have done it without you. You have been an amazing husband and father and I'm just so pleased to read that it's now taken a turn for the better. Very best of luck.

[feelinghelplesstoday]

@Paul1977 that's a great update. One day at a time. Sending you and your family love and peace x

[StanleySteamer]

Good for both of you mate.

All the best