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Ex Gf moving away with my child

(11 Posts)
TB1296 Tue 08-Oct-19 23:47:42

Really need advice as to where I stand on this and what I can legally do as I’m in bits, I am lost.

My ex and I have a 4 yr old son and split up almost 2 yrs ago and share custody of our son. Recently however she told me she was going to her mums for a few days which is like a 2 hr drive away and said she’d be back by a certain day. This was while my son was supposed to be in nursery, instead she took him out of nursery without telling them and almost a month later she was still at her mums and would not give me a date on when she was coming back. Only that she wasn’t coming back claiming she gets no support down where we live. My entire family live in the same city as us as does half of her family but she claims she gets no help with our son. I work a full time job which happens to be night shift, in a 4 week period (28 days) I work 20 Nights and get 8 nights off (2 nights a week) and I take my son all of those nights. The only down side is that my days off rotate and are not set. So that is 8 nights guaranteed she is free to relax and that isn’t including nights her relatives or mine take our son, yet still she claims she gets no help. Anyway she came back around 5 weeks after she originally left and said she wasn’t coming back and gave me a list of Terms and conditions she wanted me to meet in order for her to stay, foolishly I did everything I could to please her because I couldn’t stand the thought of my child moving away and barely seeing him because she has it in her mind that I have to do all the picking up, travelling and dropping off, jump when she says pretty much. So I got everything sorted with having MORE people watch our son to give her MORE free time and one day when I dropped my son off to her she just dropped it on me...dropped the bombshell and announced she was moving away to her mums and was taking my son with her. Turns out all these days where she needed me to watch my son so she could pack and do “skip runs” was so she could get stuff sent away to her mums. So understandably I felt a variety of emotions, I was angry, I was upset, I felt cheated, I felt like she was denying me all these little things in my sons life like his first day of school, his activities he likes, birthdays etc. So she started swearing and shouting at me at her front door and after a few mins her mother who I didn’t even know was there joins in and starts on me, at this point it’s a 2 on 1 verbal dress down about how I’ve not helped her, how she has no support and how I’m a terrible father before slamming the door in my face and blocking every form of communication. I have no idea when I will next see my son or what my visitation to him is going to be like, I’m absolutely distraught because I spend so much time with my son, I have done her so many favours and helped her through so much yet I still feel that she thinks the world owes her something for being a single mother. I also should add that she has threatened to reveal things to the court (should I pursue legal action) about my current girlfriend having a few mental health issues and how apparently she doesn’t want her son around my girlfriend even though she’s no danger to anyone. Someone please offer some advice on what I can do, we both live in Scotland if that’s any help as I don’t know if laws are different.

SylvanianFrenemies Tue 08-Oct-19 23:52:49

You are going to need to get a family law solicitor.
Legally, your son had a right to contact with you.
Your girlfriend's mental health shouldn't pose an issue unless there is a realistic risk to your son.
Meanwhile, grit your teeth and try to be polite. Keep records of everything, all texts etc.

TB1296 Wed 09-Oct-19 01:43:06

I am seeking a solicitor for this ordeal, however my biggest fear is I am told there is nothing I can do OR I go through the whole ordeal with the courts and I end up losing and my ex and her family never letting me live it down. I honestly have tried everything and still she just isn’t satisfied and wants to leave regardless, she just threatens me with so many things to use against me In Court. I have saved and screenshot numerous messages etc just to cover my ass but I have no idea if it will be relevant or even work in my favour as I know mostly courts tend to lean in favour of the child’s mother unless there is a legitimate reason like drug or alcohol abuse

Mermaidoutofwater Wed 09-Oct-19 01:59:58

You don’t spend ‘so much time’ with your son, you spend eight days/nights a month with him, and presumably as you work a rotating roster those days are sometimes when he has nursery or in the future will have school.
I am sick of non resident fathers thinking that the paltry time they spend with their children makes them amazing fathers. Your job is not compatible with family life.

Mermaidoutofwater Wed 09-Oct-19 02:03:19

I am sure you will be able to negotiate some sort of contact arrangement where you share the travel time with your ex. The problem you have is being a shift worker you aren’t going to be able to offer consistent days and as your child starts school you will need to be available on weekends. I suggest you find a job with more regular hours.

TB1296 Wed 09-Oct-19 02:36:06

Excuse me mermaidoutofwater 😂. My apologies for forgetting to mention I take my son to nursery 3 days of the week, collect him from nursery, keep
Him for his dinner those 3 nights WHILE my ex doesn’t work either btw. I’ve had to take countless nights off work or find relatives to watch my son as his mother has turned her phone off and left her house and not told me where she’s went. I’m not sitting spending “paltry” time with my son and claiming I’m an “amazing father” by doing so either. I’ve been questioned by others as to why I have my son so much while my ex is out gallivanting and living the single life.

TB1296 Wed 09-Oct-19 02:37:50

And I have two weeks a month set days where it is agreed I take my son those nights. We also agreed I take him one night each other week and it’s no issue at all for me with my work as my days off work around his nursery days.

TB1296 Wed 09-Oct-19 02:42:32

And I’m not complaining about having him too much or not having him enough. My reason for this thread is because I take my son what I think to be a decent amount aswell as relatives take him aswell, the fact is she barely has my son yet has the audacity to take him away saying she has no help. That is the point of this thread and why I’m asking for help as to where I legally stand.

FatherB Mon 21-Oct-19 17:54:51

@Mermaidoutofwater

Pretty unfair considering most NRP agreements actually stipulate those sorts of hours and most RP are difficult with offering more than the minimum agreed to by the order. If you are only being allowed to see your child x days, then seeing them x days isn't a negative.

Notodontidae Fri 25-Oct-19 17:27:50

I assume you pay maintanance on a regular basis, she will need a very good reason to move too-far out of the area. @Mermadeoutofwater, your comments suggest you are bitter about your own situation, it is hardly benificial to TB1269.
OP if your ex is frustrating the easy access to your DS, it will not be looked upon kindly by SS. Make sure you keep records of expendature and access, and notes when access has been stopped. In order for it to work sensibly in the childs interest, there needs to be give and take from both sides, you may work an extra shift, Ex may need DS for other appointmants. Ensure you have plenty of clean clothes , if DS needs to change. Best Wishes

Ropeman Tue 05-Nov-19 15:06:45

@Mermaidoutofwater Sure! let's all just change our entire careers after years of working our way up the ladder. Let's all go an work in Tesco for minimum wage. Not everyone can do a standard 9-5 office job with pension and paid holidays. Have some sympathy for a guy who is in bits and yet still has to go out every night to do a job I bet you couldn't hack for one night.
@TB1296 Get in touch with Families Need Fathers who will pass you on to a solicitor or Mackenzie friend who can help you draft an application to the court to formalise contact with your son. Good luck

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