Denial of contact of child after break up (1 weeks in), help for you & me venting.

[Seva]

Foreward,
I write this both to help people who have just had this happen to them & also to help myself because it feels better to talk about it anonymously. I did not act perfectly so maybe after reading this you could learn from my mistakes I made or stop kicking yourself over the ones that you've made too. Any advice is welcome especially on what is to come.

My story/punishment/fate...
My X partner left the family home with my 1.5 year old child while I was at work after a verbal exchange the previous night. I received a text message saying the child is safe and I am not to contact them.

I attempted to contact her & she said calmly on the phone that she is safe & being sheltered by the authority that she is not abducting our child & had left her passport in the house. I redialled, emailed, texted & was met with no further response, her family also cut all contact with me too in my attempts to contact them. Her family is from a foreign country so I have the continuous added fear that she may abduct the child to that place.

The denial of contact of my child almost broke me, I spent 4+hrs whimpering uncontrollably into the bed and also had the sensation that a small orange or a ball was stuck in my throat that I could not swallow & it was going to choke me, really weird eh? I was overcome with feelings of self loathing, dread, regret & suicide. These were then overcome by vengeance & a very strong desire to peruse my X even though I had no idea & retrieve my child at any cost. I managed to control myself & did not do anything close to extreme. My advice is to remain calm, they want you to explode they want a valid reason to deny contact & an incident to bargain with.

I lent on my mothers ear on the phone, bless her. Do the same if you have support but spare them all your spinning thoughts as you need to regain control & be dependable for your kid & act quickly. If you don't have a support network or ear, I'd suggest Samaritans.

If you have fears of imminent abduction you should phone the police on 101. My X left the kids passport behind so I knew it was likely she was not abducting her but I elected to contact HMPO who responded within 24hrs.

I got control, & started the mediation process. Remember I have no clue where my kid or her mother is but I decided to mediate anyway. The mediator gave my partner 5 days to respond before issuing me a certificate. She offered me a certificate on the day but I said, no let the X gain her senses, ( I was hoping to resolve this).

I messaged my X asking for her to attend mediation & or make private arrangements, no response. I sent a formal letter warning of imminent court proceedings, no response. I get a letter through the door, it is the house key, not even a note from her.

So,
I got my C100 court application form online, filled it in. It was daunting but read the instructions don't just try to go through it. 90% of it will probably be irrelevant to you.

My biggest obstacle was whether to ask for a without notice hearing or urgent hearing. It is always going to seem urgent right? Where is my kid?!?!? is spinning through your head. I spent more time on this question than the rest of the form.

Well I am in control, I understand that I am an adult abuse victim but I am surviving. I felt urgent hearings to be reserved for imminent danger to children especially & in extreme cases adults. Maybe I made a mistake?

Maybe this is urgent but I want the Judge to see me as the calm party in this affair. I want to present capability, calm, patience & confidence in my hearing because I know I'm going to get barraged with libel. I suspect child protection issues will be presented as a defence for the denial of contact in relation to our verbal argument which was heated. As this is the only reason for denial of contact. My partner not even responding to mediation makes me feel better, I'd be dreading if she responded & stated child protection issue as a reason not to attend mediation, but she never, just flat refused contact :)

I posted off my form, recorded for delivery & sign to receive. So I can track, I'm not sure if asking court clerk to sign was smart I'll let you know about that as it is out for delivery.

I plan to represent myself in initial hearings, see what the court is like. See what libel I am up against, if I am overwhelmed then I will engage a barrister. If I lose contact with my kid, I'd be destroyed so I don't mind throwing every asset & penny into the cauldron to insure that does not happen.

Will update this as things progress, thanks for your time & if you are going through this at any stage, it gets a bit better after every hurdle you over come.

The hardest is the initial shock, setting into motion the mediation helps a little. The formal letter to your ex by text or email which will be ghosted is a nice little vent. The biggest help is sending off the C100, I am sat on my hands now so will you, your fate and your child is in the hands of a clerk then a Judge.

Sad to say but right now your kid is out of reach of your help. Focus on no.2 yourself. No.1 is going to need you in tip top financial, physical, mental & litigating form in the next few months or maybe even years.

[AudacityOfHope]

Only men come on here and write in this officious manner, trying to give us all advice.

Vengeance? Nice. Maybe consider why she felt the need to escape while you weren't around.

[Sagradafamiliar]

Your reaction sounds....intense and you sound manipulative.
Good luck though hope all ends well with all parties safe and satisfied.

[MoonahStone]

You sound an absolute nightmare, totally over bearing and unable to listen to what your ex is telling you. But thanks for coming over here to give us the benefit of your manly wisdom

[Nesssie]

@MoonahStone so he should just never see his child again?

He's doing exactly the right thing, going through the court process where a judge will decide the best thing for the child.

[nevergettime]

Thank you for your story Seva. My son (who is in his early 20’s) is going through a similar situation at the moment. Not seen his Ex or child for 6 weeks now, no idea where they are and all contact blocked except emails. He is distraught and not coping well. His request for mediation ignored and things are currently in the hands of his solicitor. So many people on this site seem to think that women are always right and men always abusive when in most cases broken relationships are the result of two people been abusive to each other. I have been around long enough to know it takes two to have an argument and women can often give as good as they get (and I’m a woman). At the end of it all children should always be able to have a relationship with both of their parents. I hope things went well for you and your patience paid off. Please, if you’re still around, let us know how it progressed ?

[Hagisonthehill]

I hope in your journey to regain contact with your child you remember to calculate maintainable and make sure you pay regularly.
Also the process in mot about you,it is about your child and only your child.
If she has help with the local authorities who know more than us I expect youlack complete insight as to why your wife as stopped contact while she protects herself and child and begins to repair the damage you have done.

[Hazelnutlatteplease]

Nothing in what you have said indicates you are an "adult abuse victim".

If you dont know where they are the mediation service cannot release a certificate because they cannot have talked to her.