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she wants space and time

(6 Posts)
newtothis38 Tue 16-Jul-19 15:32:49

Hi All,

new member and first post. Im looking for advice and guidance. I apologise in advance for the length of the post.

My wife recently told me she was thinking of moving to her mums for while as she wasn't happy. When we got talking she said its because of everything I have done or not done (I haven't cheated, I don't do drugs, I've pretty much stopped drinking and I don't abuse her). I am no saint and I am guilty of not always putting her and the kids first, there have been times I've been extremely selfish and lazy and self absorbed, I have not always done the jobs at home I said I would., despite all that I am not a b*****d and she is my life and I love her with all my soul.

We have gone through a lot of trials, issues and heartaches in the past 2 years which have ad a major impact on our relationship. I lost my job and was unemployed for 5 months, as I was the provider at the time I felt worthless and it sent me into a depression. I found work but only temporary (it still is) and its always at the back of my mind that I could lose the job at a moments notice. In the interim her dad was extremely ill and had a slow death over a 12 month period. Her Grandad died, her Dad died and her Aunty all in about 9 months. During this period she was trying to find a job herself and suffered a number of knockbacks which really affected her.
We have 2 kids and she turns 40 this year. She spent 12 years at home with the kids, she suffered from postnatal depression with the 2nd child. The kids are now at the age where they are doing things on their own (friends etc) and she isn't taking that well (almost the start of empty nest syndrome). She hardly has any friends or hobbies and she has thrown herself into her new job 300%. We didnt do much as a couple as we had the kids young and we diodnt have much money as it was only me working at everything was spent on the house and the kids. Our life has now become work-home-food-bed-repeat.

I know and understand she isn't happy, neither of us have been, the love is still there but she wants more, she told me she has wasted her life and doesn't want to wait another 10 years before her life starts.

I know she has to go through a journey/process as she has been suffering for a while, especially with losing so many family members in a short space of time.

I ended up moving out, into her mums as I had no-where else to go, Its been 5 weeks since I moved out and we didn't speak for almost 4 weeks. We have started speaking again which is great, I've missed the sound of her voice so much but we haven't spoken about us. Her mum has been great and the location is great for work and the kids coming to visit but it isn't home. All I want to do is go home and be with my family and fix it. I know I have to wait until she is ready so we can date or try counselling or both. I don't know how long to wait, I don't want to push too soon or leave it too late.

Over the weekend I ended up at home for a couple of hours talking and doing something with the kids. I went upstairs to get something I had left out of my bedside draw. I noticed that the 20 pack of condoms has been moved, i stupidly looked inside. We had used 2 or 3 of them max but 6 were gone from the packet. I was absolutely floored. I don't think she has anything but I couldn't find those other condoms anywhere. I haven't spoke to her about it because I have no basis for an accusation. If anymore go missing then I will speak to her. Throughout it all I wouldn't blame her if she had done something as she has needs that I haven't fulfilled. Throughout my depression I had put on a lot of weight which had affected me, i felt unattractive and turned down sex with her, this led to her feeling rejected and abandoned, i hated myself for it as all I wanted to do was to take her in my arms. I don't know what I would do if she had been with someone else though.

I think she is going through a crisis, she feels lost, like she has no identity and she wants something for herself just until she sorts her head out and her feelings. In the interim i'm stuck at her mums (5 weeks now) and we haven't spoken once about us and the future. i'm not happy at her mums (I have no-where else to go as i'm still contributing to the house and all our friends and family either have families of their own or no room) as it isn't home. I love my wife and my family so much and I will do anything needed to make it work and make it happy.

I've started at the gym to lose the weight (1 1/2 stone lost in 4 weeks) and i'm doing more with the kids but I don't know what to do about us, does anyone have any advise or have been in a similar situation? Thanks in advance.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Tue 16-Jul-19 15:37:52

It sort of reads like you've treat her a bit crap over the years and she has finally had enough. It's a shame that you are only seeing this now.

Give her the time and space she needs. You don't have to go back to her if she asks and you don't want to.

newtothis38 Tue 16-Jul-19 15:46:15

Hi BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz . You would be right, i've not always been the best I could be for her. She has her faults too (as all people / couples do) and i know they have contributed to the current situation. I hate that circumstances have led to this and I hate she is hurting and I cant be there for her.
you are right about not having to go back either, I have thought long and hard about my faults and hers but I still love her and can see a future for us, I thought about not fighting for the relationship but she is my world and I want to make her happy again.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Tue 16-Jul-19 16:53:15

Well what she wants right now is time and space. Giving her that is a start.

StrawCat Tue 23-Jul-19 23:26:16

Move back in, it's your house too. The fact she didn't speak to you for 4 weeks after moving out says a lot. Should never of moved out.

newtothis38 Wed 24-Jul-19 11:36:44

Hi Strawcat,

thanks for the reply. I'm slowly coming to this realisation. I get she is going through something and wants space and time but its now been 6 1/2 weeks. I spoke to her last week and asked for indication as im living in limbo at the min, she said at the min she doesnt want to be with anyone and she is happy in the house with just her and the kids. I had asked if i could see her once a week / fortnight or us all do something together as a family, she said she didnt want to do a one on one as it might give me the impression we were dating but she will do something as a family. I have a weeks holiday soon, after the holiday im going to speak to her again, if its still the same then im moving back in. I cant live at her mums when she is the one who wants space, unfortunately she cannot have it all her own way.

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