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Advice for Unmarried Fathers and naming child

(15 Posts)
1sttimedadtobe Fri 12-Jul-19 22:40:54

So my son was born 2 half weeks ago and he's still not been named which personally I'm finding frustrating especially as we've known he's a.boy for some time, but his mum won't even consider any let alone pick one.

We've been seperated for some months, fairly long and complicated story, have posted about it previously, but I'm hoping to get some advice from any other unmarried fathers.

I personally feel useless, everything is her decision and has already threatened to put down father unknown on birth certificate. Do I have any rights at all? She let's me see him, but keeps reminding me that she doesn't have too which I think is very unfair. Its messing with my emotions big time.

Also with the whole naming of him. She wont let me have a say in his name because her reasons are he gets my surname and what else do I want. But also she also keeps saying that she wants to use her name, which again I have no say over because we are not married.

Find the whole situation unfair and I know only getting 1 side of the story, but I can assure you throughout pregnancy I did everything I possibly could to support her, took to every appointment and even tried to work things out between us, but she didn't want to.

Any advice would be appreciated

Thanks

HennyPennyHorror Sat 13-Jul-19 02:29:47

Here's the thing....your frustration is not surprising but you can't have any say about the babies name as she's the Mother and that's the law.

You can take her to court over being the baby's Father though and get named on the birth certificate.

A DNA test would be ordered.

1sttimedadtobe Wed 17-Jul-19 19:25:13

Cant believe I'm actually saying this, she only went and named and registered his birth without me putting down Father Unknownsad

EmrysAtticus Wed 17-Jul-19 19:27:19

You need to go to court then and apply to be added to the certificate and for contact to be arranged. You also need to be contacting CMS and making sure you are paying the correct maintenance.

MooseBeTimeForSummer Wed 17-Jul-19 19:29:36

Save any messages or emails.
Apply for PR.

Dollywilde Wed 17-Jul-19 19:30:57

Agreed. You need to make her realise that you mean business, and the main steps are 1) going to court for parental responsibility and 2) paying a good amount of maintenance from day 1. Don’t wait until court, that money is for your child and withholding it won’t be looked on favourably.

Once PR is established there needs to be respect and coparenting, including shared access when baby is old enough to be away from mum, but that’s some time off.

As a helpful guide, before you do anything - whether that’s going to court or just sending her a text - ask yourself “is this in dc’s best interests, and am I doing it for them not me?” If you go on that basis you can’t go too far wrong. Good luck.

AllFourOfThem Wed 17-Jul-19 19:31:55

I know you’ve asked for advice from other unmarried fathers, which I’m not but I think she has been incredibly unfair.

I would advice you to keep evidence of all communication you have had and start court proceedings. I don’t know if it’s possible but I know an unmarried father who ended up with custody of his child and the judge changed the baby’s surname during the hearing (double barrel) and in the U.K. a baby’s name can be changed in the first year so I would fight this and for access. Good luck.

ems137 Wed 17-Jul-19 19:36:49

I think that's very unfair of her if you really have been as supportive as you say. The only time I'd ever advise a woman to do that is if she either suffered abuse from you or had concerns you'd take the baby and not return it.

If I were you I'd apply to court ASAP. You need to be added to the birth certificate to gain PR and also to sort out contact arrangements. If you build up contact from this early age it can only ever be beneficial to baby further down the line. And of course, pay the right amount of maintenance, money and contact are 2 separate issues and it wouldn't look good for you if you weren't paying.

PinkCrayon Wed 17-Jul-19 19:37:46

This is awful. You should go to court.
You can self represent or get a solicitor.
In regards to the last name I know my relative had to change her childs last name to a double barrel last name so it included both at the request of her ex in court.
Good luck. Dont give up.

PerspicaciaTick Wed 17-Jul-19 20:02:12

There is no such thing as "father unknown", the certificate will have a space left for father's details.

It is very simple to add your name to your DCs birth certificate, provided the mother agrees. You can reregister his birth at any time, right into adulthood using the instructions in this link www.gov.uk/government/publications/application-to-re-register-a-childs-birth-and-add-the-natural-fathers-details
You both need to complete the form and attend a reregistration appointment together.
If you cannot agree to reregister together, then you need to talk to the General Register Office who can advise you on the steps needed to get a DNA test and a court order to have your name added.

1sttimedadtobe Wed 17-Jul-19 20:06:00

Thanks for the advise and words. I found this out around 2pm today and I was too angry and upset to do anything. Just went home ignored phone calls and messages so could clear head and start again tomorrow, we do most drastic things in heat of the moment.

I wont pretend to be perfect, I have said things out of anger before as has she, but altho this was at back of my mind I really didn't think she would do it even tho she had threatened too. Was stupid really to think otherwise. Because I had those concerns I had been keeping records of messages as a just in case

Dollywilde Wed 17-Jul-19 20:11:15

I’m sorry OP, your head must be reeling and you’re understandably angry and upset. Just to reiterate though (as I know you’ve acknowledged!) do not do anything out of anger. Your role is to make sure your baby has you on their side. Shouting at her at this stage isn’t going to help anything. Just focus on being a dad at this point - try and put anything about your ex to one side. She’s been awful to you and if you act unimpeachably that will only help your baby.

ColaFreezePop Wed 17-Jul-19 20:16:36

Contact the CMS asap and arrange to pay child maintenance though them to the mother. As you have animosity in your relationship with the mother if you do this from the beginning then it will help lower it.

I should also add until the baby is a year don't expect to have your son overnight. The first 6 months if he's breast fed you will only get a couple of hours with him at every visit. Once he's weaned at 6 months the visits can be longer.

1sttimedadtobe Wed 17-Jul-19 20:32:08

This may come across kinda petty, she was breast feeding, in fact the only reason she started was because it meant I would not be able to take him on my own because during antenatal class the health visitor stated not to use bottle or produce milk for them as it would encourage them to be lazy. This was said to be for at least 3 mknyhs9to which she then said to me thats what she would do with an actual smile on her face and this was after years of saying she would never breast feed because she would feel weird about it.

Anyways she has stopped breast feeding because her mum told her too stop

ColaFreezePop Wed 17-Jul-19 20:37:41

Seriously don't worry about her breast feeding for 6 months.

Concentrate on not arguing with her or going near her unless she messages you first. Then be polite.

Then do the other stuff PP have said.

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