Hi. Little help? Anxiety and situation issue

[Superdad12345]

Oh god where do I start. Never been on a site like this but I don't where else to turn. I've always been confident, outspoken and felt like I exist on a higher plane to those who suffer from mental health issues. Like mere mortals haha. But here I am struggling not to cry my eyes out all the time and living with such intense heart beat feelings I feel like I could keel over and die. I live in a fairly unique situation. So unique I feel if I describe it in too much detail people may know its me. Which I can't really have. I have a combination of 5 kids. Some my own, others live with my wife and I, let's say step/foster kids too. My wife and I work full time (in 24 hour shifts) so we take turns in being the solo parent and have days together as joint parents. I have always sacrificed my needs, wants and opportunities for my family. I give them everything, I have very little. When my wife describes me and my actions in life to her friends or colleagues she does so with such smugness because I am a good husband and dad. I give it my all. I cherish the time I have and Cherish my wife and my children's very existence. I appreciate every breathe they take and every moment we are all alive and well as I know it can all vanish in a blink. I cook clean fix drive and am a god damn domestic king. Yet.... My wife is never God damn happy, never content for more than a few days, always something wrong, always something I've missed, always huffing about the chores despite it 99 percent of the time being god damn show house level clean and tidy, serious, no exaggeration, our eldest is the most selfish human I have ever met who is doing terribly at school and despite nearly being kicked out in my wife's eyes he can do no wrong. rules and boundaries often get laughed at as mum allows him to do whatever whenever, and despite having hard facts spoke about she denies it all. She mindlessly defends all of the children against evil old dad stating facts again, I am surrounded by selfish spoilt ungrateful people. I feel it has always taken some extra effort on my oart to put up with my wife and non blood kids and I feel like my strength of carrying the nonsense is decreasing. I am now classed as the grumpy old dad/husband when i know in my heart I am a good human but I feel these selfish, hypocritical succubus' are draining me. 5 children ranging from older teen down to 4 y/o. The job of house husband is a massive task especially due to the standard my wife expects, I'm now having real powerful chest palpitations recently bit today it's the worst its ever been, and feel so overwhelmed and feel tears bubbling beneath the surface all the time. When I try to speak to either my wife or children I know I am making perfect sense, I know that logically and factually my gripes are undeniable but in the face of hormones, damaged soul and childish behaviors, facts and logic mean nothing. I have a huge amount of weight on my shoulders and so many depend on me. I don't even know what I'm asking tbh. I would never ever go thru with ending my life as I couldn't do that to my kids but I'm at the end of my tether. I don't know if anyone has any words or advice or understanding even. I just don't know tbh.

[NameChangedNoImagination]

I'm so sorry, this sounds very hard. Are you able to get some counselling

[MaryBoBary]

Go and speak to your doctor. Explain how you're feeling and they will have various methods for you to try. It sounds tough so don't be too hard on your self.

I had a conversation with my doctor yesterday about feeling embarrassed about taking antidepressants. His response was very helpful in hanging my mindset about mental health:

If someone needs IVF because they are infertile, should they be embarrassed about it?
Is it their fault that thy need IVF?
In 10 years time when they have a 10 year old child through IVF, does it even matter that they needed some help in the past to get to where they are!?

Of course not, and the same applies to mental health. I saw it as a failing that I needed to take tablets, but actually me, my son and my partner are all happier and having a better quality of life for it. So why suffer if there's a temporary solution to help you through a hard time? Don't let your pride stop you from receiving help that is available.

The first and hardest step is going to the doctor and explaining how you feel. Once you've done that it's just a case of finding the right solution for you, whether that be medication or some kind of talking therapy.

Be kind to yourself, and we'll done for realising this something you need to deal with.

[EllenRipley]

Simply put, it sounds like you have aLOT going on: in your head and on your life. I'm not surprised you're feeling at the end of your tether, and down that road, you know that depression and anxiety lie - which makes it so much harder to sort through all the problems AND the solutions. You've dedicated your all to your family so you just need to take some well earned time out for your mental health. Do it before you reach a real crisis point. Speak to your GP, find some counselling. Find support. It's a good basis for then practically dealing with the issues in front of you. Have you been able to tell your partner how you're feeling at all?

[Superdad12345]

Thank you for your response. My wife is aware that I am having issues but due to a myriad of reasons see's my issues as weakness. Its just me being a miserable grumpy old man for no reason . I'm 32 btw. I am also suffering with a condition with chronic pain, it has no real documented cause or cure too which is one of the problems too I'm sure. I feel she has become complacent with me and my efforts and is so used to me being the rock supporting all the weight that she is somehow being wronged by the fact my stamina for carrying is failing. Does that make sense. She see's it as weakness and has no time for it almost. I have an appointment on Monday I just hope I can relay it all correctly, I always feel like the Dr is just hurrying me along and rushing me out the door.

[Superdad12345]

Hi I can't really afford private so I'm going to speak to my gp on Monday. Thanks x

[MaryBoBary]

Perhaps if your wife sees this as a medical issue that is affecting you, and that you are taking steps to deal with it she may take it more seriously?

And I have had doctors like that. If that happens again then you ask to see another doctor. It's tough but a good doctor will make you feel like they have all the time in the world to listen to you. Don't doubt yourself because of an unsympathetic doctor.

[Samind]

Give yourself a break.

You both sound unhappy just now. Can you break chores up with the other children. To give you some wind down time.

You sound as if you have got a lot on your late and it's taking a toll on you. You need to start thinking about you and stop letting yourself take all the graft/blame.

[DoctorDread]

[Heymummee]

It sounds like you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders and going to the doctors is an important first step in getting the help you need.

Your wife clearly doesn’t understand the seriousness of what you’re going through, or it may be a bit of denial on her part when she’s so used to you being in control and coping, maybe she doesn’t want to believe you’re suffering as much as you are. Once you’ve been to the doctors I’d recommend making sure you have some time set aside while the kids are in bed to talk through things properly.

Never be ashamed of needing some help. If you don’t get the help you feel you need from the GP, go back and insist you see someone else. This can’t be ignored or minimised.

For now, be kind to yourself, don’t worry so much about trying to be super dad and super husband, focus on getting the help you need and everything will feel so much easier.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to?

[Aquamarine1029]

I'm so sorry op. First thing you need to do is ensure there isn't anything medically wrong. Ask for a full blood workup and don't allow your gp to fob you off. Secondly, just popping pills won't really help you. It's your situation that is making you miserable and you know it. Perhaps that needs to change.

[EllenRipley]

Yes, that makes sense. She's either in denial or too wrapped up in herself to give you proper consideration. Perhaps seeing you go to GP will be a bit of a wake up call, but regardless of that it's a great first step for YOU. Preface your conversation with the GP with something like "I want to leave here knowing I'm going to get some help, because I really need it and I'm worried about myself". It is hard to convey everything that's going on so don't expect to. The important thing is to say that your living situation/relationship, coupled with your ongoing physical condition, is compromising your mental health and ability to cope. Small steps, OP! I hope that you get a positive outcome from that, which will have an impact on your home life, even if gradually.