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Separating / The Journey

(5 Posts)
Makile Fri 12-Apr-19 14:53:28

Hi all,

I hope some of you can offer some advice for me during what seems to be a very tough time.

I have been with my wife for 20 years and she recently made the decision to separate after a year of fairly bad arguments. Granted some of them were me overreacting and some were caused by her. We are seriously different personalities but we are great committed parents. We also have both an 11 year old and 8 year old daughter.

As a father I am very hands on and was also very much a do'er in the house who was very domesticated. Her work with unusual hours she took on a year prior to our separation came first. I must also point out that I was a great supporter when she had the option to take the job.

Since the separation, or three weeks in, I found out she was visiting a close male friends house she works with right after I had collected the children and stayed at his during the nights. This really had a big impact on me and stopped me healing as all sorts of emotions came out! I am over it now but boy have the last 5 months been tricky. To cut a long story short, I was asked to leave the rental property we were in which I did (whilst I stayed at a family members house for 4 months to be close to the kids) and she then refused to let me stay there overnight even though I was there during the days and evening to see the kids. She treated me with so much bitterness and anger even though I was still co-operating and giving in to her wishes and demands.

Anyway, a month and a half ago I moved into a lovely flat close to the children's schools and the people close to me which has been lovely. I have still supported my wife who openly tells me to date or have a fling! I am helping right to the last drop financially and emotionally where I can. She knows my good nature and in my opinion has taken advantage of it.

She recently moved back into the home we own / built together which TBH is my pride and joy. I also let her stay in my flat for a week prior to her moving on whilst the home we own was been decorated. A gesture of good will on my part.

She has said its not my house (even though we both own it), I cant have a key, I cant turn up when I want (which I will not do anyway) and has just been plain brutal throughout this process.

I am backing off and TBH so will she now that she has everything she wanted. Granted, I appreciate that she is going through some emotional issues, but she is happier with no me and having the kids and house. She really has not been nice to me since the separation whilst I am still helping where I can. People can see this too!

Its all been pretty nuts but I have faith that something good will come out of this. I just feel like I have been taken advantage of big time.

Any advice, would really be appreciated.

Many thanks in advance.

Casimir Thu 02-May-19 09:11:59

You have been taken advantage of. (
Document/record all interactions.
Stay in area (assume you want the children- especially important as they are now in the crucial age for male involvement)
Talk to lawyer.
No more 'gestures of good will' there is no good will. Yield no more.
Go to gym, lift heavy weights.
Go on internet, find other men.
Keep breathing.

Makile Thu 02-May-19 11:28:41

Thanks Casimir. Its been a horrible journey and I do feel somewhat used. The reality is that I have done all that is required now so she has it all.

I have stayed in the area. Have a nice flat which is walking distance to both children's schools and they are with me a lot. That bond wont be taken away.

Meditation, gym, self awareness keeps me going!

I will continue to be a good man but the mister nice guy thing needs to stop and is!

Thanks for you're support. Means alot.

ArthurSleep01 Thu 04-Jul-19 14:52:08

I'm in a similar situation.

I'm 50, been married for 20 years and been with the same woman for 24 years - nearly half my life. I loved her dearly and still do.

For the last two and a half years I'd been a bit depressed, but not about our marriage.

In April my wife told me, completely out of the blue, that she wanted a divorce. It hit me like a truck.

Roll it back to January. I was a bit depressed, we argued (about once every 6 weeks, and mainly because I was having a strop). But on January 6, I realised I had to turn myself around, so the first thing I did was quit smoking, and started to appreciate what I had, not focus on what I didn't have. I wanted for nothing and felt secure and happy in my marriage.

At the end of January I got in a temper, lost control of my mouth and called her some names. I was bang out of order and didn't mean any of it. I felt that I was the only one who cared about getting things done in the house - 'sweating the small stuff', my wife called it.

A few things had got on top of me - not smoking of course, feeling down in my job (I work with some soulless, two-dimensional people with whom I have little to no affinity, and my job causes me constant frustration, which stays with me when I return home), sorting out paperwork after my mother's death the previous year, a case of optic neuritis (more of that in a bit) and a wayward flouncy 12-year-old daughter who wouldn't do her chores and made my life difficult. I understand now that she was just being herself. We haven't fallen out.

But after me blowing my mouth off things returned to what I thought was normal. We chatted, spent evenings together watching movies, we were loving towards each other and nothing seemed to have changed.

Back to the optic neuritis thing. Long story short, it turned out to be an early symptom of multiple sclerosis. I got the preliminary diagnosis in March, but I didn't care. I had a happy marriage and a wife I loved. My first reaction was that at least I wasn't being told she had it, or any of my kids. I'd deal with it.

April came around, we took a week off to spend time with the kids during the holiday and I just decided I would become more happy, which I was.

So the end of the week comes along. We'd both been to London for a day out, been out with the kids, spent some happy days together.

At the end of the week she was sitting in the garden looking a bit glum. I asked her what was up, and she told me she didn't love me any more and wanted a divorce. I was destroyed. She said that when I called her those names in January, the love just "switched off".

A day later and I find that she's been messaging some low-life she went to school with on Facebook just the night before. "Flirty texts" she called them. "At least there's a man paying me some attention" she said.

I lost my sh*t and did some things I'd never have considered in my life before. I bugged her car and the house, and she caught me. From that point on she completely closed off to me, changed all her passwords and hid her phone when anyone walked past.

However, she said she wasn't messaging him any more.

She became a stranger to me. She acted swiftly. Our accounts were separated, she went to see a solicitor and started divorce proceedings, which are now on the way to a decree nisi.

I now live alone in a small rented house nearby (so I can help with the kids) though I am not allowed to go to the marital home any more.

I was still suspicious. One day I left work and drove past our house to see the car of the guy she'd been messaging on Facebook parked outside. She'd been lying to me.

She forced me to move out, but said that we should avoid any acrimony for the sake of the kids, which she has stuck to.

So here I am now. Sitting alone, bereft, bewildered. Utterly broken inside. Torn from a marriage I was happy in, and a house into which I poured my heart and soul for 18 years.

Despite me being a bit down, I never looked at another woman. I was dependable, hardworking, attentive and, though I say so myself, a great dad. My kids would say the same, I think. They are all down about it, and it's been mentioned in their school reports.

I didn't want to go out as much as she did because I wanted to stay home and make sure the kids (7, 12 and 15) were OK. Plus I was tired, possibly because of the MS. She said that the oldest would be fine babysitting the other two. He sits attached to his XBox all night with the door closed. He's not a good babysitter.

She's all happy-happy about everything. "It'll be fine" she says. "You'll find someone else", "MS is just one of those things you have to manage", and so on. She has shown an inhuman lack of empathy.

And then I read that MS can cause you to have uncontrollable mood swings. But that has no weight with her, and she says I'm trying to find an excuse (which I am not). I have always believed in taking the full force of the consequences of my actions square on the chin. But it most certainly had something to do with me losing control of my mouth back in January. It's all academic anyway, because she doesn't love me. And that's her get-out argument for everything now.

If it wasn't for the kids they'd have cut me down from a tree weeks ago. People tell me that it's a tough time, and I'll move on eventually, and I'm sure they're right. But right now I'm in nightmare limbo.

Makile Fri 05-Jul-19 12:22:06

Hi,

Your situation sounds so similar to mine! I know how it feels when there is no empathy and you are just left to dry. I feel that you are a good person and unfortunately good people do get taken advantage of. I am trying to find that balance of still being there, doing the right thing from my heart and having some self respect. All very hard when you are a giver/people person. This process can change a person big time.

Where are you based? Would be lovely to meet so we can potentially support each other? PM me and we can take it from there.

Stay strong my friend. Everything will change. Stay true to yourself, face the world and have some dignity. People that know you, know that you are a good person. Honesty and good deeds will prevail.

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