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A mans opinion please..

(8 Posts)
shhhh Wed 11-Jul-07 12:27:01

Posted elsewhere BUT wondered if any men could also give advice etc..?

Right,this sems to have alwasy been a problem with dh & I in the last 11 years of being together BUT its been managable and we have had a happy medium.

DH is not a regular going out guy...but does go out lots more than me (my choice..recently had our 2nd and the gilrs don't tend to socialise as often at night..we tend to meet up with lo's etc) It can be anything between 2x a month to x1 every 2 months etc....Nothing regular. Various reasons why.

DH used to come home at around 2/3am,then when we hit a bad patch and before we split 7 years ago dh started taking he p1ss and coming in at 5/6 am with no regard for anyone.
Then around a year or so ago it all started again and it was every few times when he went out, he would roll home at 5/6am and NOW on the last half dozen+ occasions (possibly since ds was born..not sure) its been 5/6am AGAIN.

I have tried to discuss it with him BUT it just turns into an argument and as though im controlling him..Im not BUT I don't feel happy with this socialising till 5/6am and can't see why...?
He hasn't even got a concrete answer and tends to blame it on late licensing etc.

Last night I said, I don't mind if he goes out 2x monthly but as long as he was home around 3am BUT I know he saw this as the green light to call his mates up for a night out every other wkd. Not what I had in mind. I just though if here were occasions that warrented it ie stag do/birthdays or just a get together.

So,my question is:Am I unreasonable in the fact that I disproove of dh coming home so late (personally I don't fel its appropriate. A father of 2 babies,31 years old, surely he woul rather do other things to socialise ie golf etc than spend his time in a pub/club full of underage drinkers..) and how do we come to a solution..?

He tends to go out with around 2/3 seperate groups of friends. People who he works with (self emp so this is usually when staying away), People who he used to work with (note, 2 of these are single and 1 esp kept his "other girlf" from his dw for over a year"...I knew BUT didn't know her well enough iykwim.) and lads he's know for almost 30 years.

Im honestly not happy with the set up and can't see why he does it. I see the solution as us going seperate ways. Clearly he's still lusting after the single life .

LordPan Wed 11-Jul-07 23:02:58

shhhh...wow...how on earth do you cope...makes me wonderaabout a whole host of things...like what state is he in the following days?? just on the tiredness front, and being a pleasure to be with?

your post begs a lot of other questions.

no, it sounds extremely odd behaviour,and I wouldn't be prepared to but up with it either...priorites come in here,and he isn't demonstrating a grasp of them, at all.

has he "left the relationship, but not walked out yet??

frapachino Wed 11-Jul-07 23:11:02

My sil had this to contend with - he was shagging around. My dh is a mans mans and does go out and does take the piss but even he thinks this is out of order and there is more to it. I'd hire a private detective next time he goes out.

cestlavie Thu 12-Jul-07 12:14:31

From my perspective, I'm a 32 year old guy, happily married, one child just over a year old. I've got quite a few friends, single, married, married with kids as does DW. Some of these are mutual, some of them are less so (e.g. old university friends).

We each have one night out per week during the week and sometimes maybe once or twice per month go out at weekends. I probably go out more and definitely stay out longer (maybe 2am at weekends) than DW mainly because she's more of an early bird and hates getting to bed later than midnight.

She tends to go to pubs nearby to catch up with friends and have a few drinks. I tend to go out in town to bars and gigs and sometimes clubs. (I'd be more than happy for her to go out in town etc. more often but she prefers what she does).

Soooo.... in answer to your questions, if you're looking for a guy's perspective:

Should a 30 something father do other things like golf rather than gigs/ clubbing? No, I'm 32 not 52. I love live music, dancing, having fun, getting drunk with mates. That doesn't automatically change because you have children.

Am I lusting after a single life? Not in the slightest. I wouldn't change DW or daughter for the world, they both make me incredibly happy. Going out for me is about being with friends, being silly, dancing, having a laugh and having fun NOT about pulling someone.

Am I alone in this? No, several of the other guys and girls who come out are also married with kids and just come out for a laugh and to have some fun.

BUT

On the other hand, I'm pretty mindful of my wife's wishes. I try to come home pretty much when I say I will (by 2am), be as quiet as I can when I come in and do some extra stuff the next day (e.g. let her have a lie-in) as a thank you. If I screw up and come back later/ drunker, I'm pitifully apologetic. More importantly, we're both happy with the arrangement.

So on balance, it's certainly not my natural inclination is to say that he's lusting after the single life or trying to walk out on the relationship.

On the other hand, what he is doing is pretty insensitive and thoughtless and needs addressing on that basis if it's making you unhappy. Most people I know, including me, can live with a reasonable time limit to be in by so maybe that's a starting point for discussion?

satyricon Thu 12-Jul-07 13:43:08

Perhaps you've got it right, shhh... the going out could be symptomatic of something else. Maybe he's having the occasional moment where he looks at himself and thinks he needs some personal reassurance that he's still "got it".

Then again, maybe not. Maybe he just has a couple of good groups of friends who really like their booze and tie one on regularly.

I'll add my penn'orth to cestlavie's comment. I'm 31. I have no intention of taking up golf ever, but surely early 30s isn't too old to be going to the pub and having a few? Perhaps you should be thankful that he isn't a member of a golf club... in my experience, they're as breeding ground for the highest concentration of complete w*nkers you'll find in the civilised world outside Downing Street and the White House.

Are you missing your nights out with the girls? Can you go to him and pitch it that way... that you miss the chance of going out on the beers, and you'd like him to be the one to stay in once a month? Just a thought.

satyricon Thu 12-Jul-07 13:44:10

By the way... no offence, frapachino, but that seems a pretty extreme response. Not to mention an expensive one.

shhhh Thu 12-Jul-07 21:15:06

lordpan, your last comment is probably along my line of questions as well....

Don't get me wrong everyone,I don't want him to be some old man with smoking jacket and slippers BUT was more suggesting that instead of socialising in the pub 100% of the time, sometimes they all meet for all up for a footie game or golf (dh enjoys golf but complains he never has time..)
He says he goes out to socialise and I often wonder how does he do that when you can hear nothing in the pubs/clubs he goes to.. I know, I do go to them as well.!!

BTW, he is all for me going out with the girls and is always pushing for me to go out BUT usually I feel this is for extra going out tokens for him.iykwim.Eases his conscience.

shhhh Thu 12-Jul-07 21:17:18

Im also not a big fan of standing in some pub till 2am. Yeah I do enjoy it the times do go out BUT I am just as content sharing a bottle of wine with dh or going out for a meal together (when able to with 2 lo's) OR even going out as a family. Maybe thats where our problems start....

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