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Mother left with children. Help!

(6 Posts)
lvd2019 Fri 01-Mar-19 01:05:58


My partner has left the house with my child and her son (previous relationship) because of an argument we have which revealed true feelings.

Things have not been going well for a while. I am in a lotof debt, which I am struggling to reduce and is starting to get me down. Basically my partner moved into my house 4 years ago with her 18 month old boy. She had problems with her ex- things that would of made other people run. I pay the mortgage, bills and all my credit card debt and am left with £200 to myself at the end of the month (For fuel etc...). She pays nothing towards these.

In the first two years I was happy to pay this whilst she worked hard in fill time education to achieve her dream of becoming a nurse. But 4 years on she is only half way through. Lots of breaks between studying ( one for maternity which I understand) and wants to go onto the second half. For the last 18 months I have reiterated I need her to help me with the household bills, to which she has not even gestured to me she will help although i keep asking and she knows my huge amount of debt (was 30k when i met her now 40k and has been this for 2 years). I paid for her car on my credit card which she said she will pay back, i did a cash transfer for her to pay off her credit card which she is not bothered paying for. I am struggling to pay this off as whatever I pay I have to use again to get through month.

We have been arguing at least once a month where we have blazing rows. I work 5 days a week, I cook every night and I am constantly tidying and cleaning the house after her and the kids. I've asked her to help me but her excuse is that she has no motivation and I need to stop asking her. I just have to accept it. I have the kids every weekend as she works Friday and Saturday night. I am constantly tired.

I suppose the gripe is I am sick of working full time, constantly cleaning the house, paying all of the bills and paying extra towards all of the food aswel. She shows no intention of helping me with my situation yet goes out spending on a daily basis. If I say anything she calls me controlling. She calls me abusive emotionally whenever I dare mention she needs to help me with household upkeep and help with the bills. I can't take it anymore I am a shadow of my former self.

I did start gambling about 4 months ago (not to much about £300 a month) which I know was money I couldn't afford. I did stop in the new year and have only gambled £10 on a Saturday since, which is always what I used to do, I find it fun on a Saturday.

But she has accused me of gambling everyday since the new year when I just have not. I shown her all my bank, PayPal transactions and even my online history. I self excluded off all gambling sites except one, which I am in control of. But still she doesn't believe me, with no grounds. I was telling her until I am blue in the face but seems the only answer she would accept is that I am, but I simply am not.

She kept calling me a gambling addict and wouldn't let me passed the door, I shoved her out the way with my arm, not hard, as I couldn't take it any more. I told her I can't be with her anymore as this happens all to often. I can't live this way anymore. I said I will go to my mum's whilst she finds somewhere to live as the kids are safe here (my house). Her reply was she is leaving to a women's refuge because I am dangerous and she doesn't trust me around her and the kids. This came as an utter shock I was gobsmacked, I have never raised a finger to her in my life. She has now left without disclosing where she has gone and I am at my whitts end. Will social services get involved? What do I do next?

She has done this before saying I am a control freak and gone to a women's refuge. All from a petty argument about the same thing as I needed her to contribute. Then she sends me pictures saying she can't believe I made her got to a grotty place, she sends me videos of her son crying because she told him he won't see me anymore etc... She then wants me to meet her 2 days later so I can apologise to her and grovel for her back. She has also said if I don't come back in the past it's not worth her living.

I can't believe this has happened as I am now worried sick it will affect me seeing my daughter. I really don't know what to do any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for reading

IsAStormApporaching Fri 01-Mar-19 01:38:12

Okay you probably shouldn't have shoved her.
But please re read your post.
This lady sounds emotionally abusive and controlling.
I do think it is best the relationship is over. But you have just as much rights to your daughter and she does.
Keep most of the communication via text/ email so she cannot lie about what is said.
And try if you can to consolidate all your debts and start to manage them. Sadly and wrongly men need to prove how together they are. Where as women don't seem to need to do this.
And while it is a nice gesture, if you let her borrow your house, you run the risk of not getting her back out of it.
Do you have any family or friends to talk to?

Harmonyrays Fri 01-Mar-19 01:38:58

Overall it doesnt sound like a healthy relationship!. I can understand your frustrstions about her lack of contribution to finances and running of the house but its not ok to to get to the point if shouting and shoving her.

No one czn tell you for sure what will hsppen next. Time will tell. If she has gone to a refuge and tells them what's happended then social services may get involved but that may not be a bad thing. They can help you both consider options that put the children first.

It sounds like you are overwheled flowers

Be kind to yourself.

Harmonyrays Fri 01-Mar-19 01:40:33

Try 'step change' for advice on how to move forwards with your debts.

Decormad38 Fri 01-Mar-19 01:41:29

So she’s financially and emotionally abusing you and you have physically abused her. Time to leave each other alone and for you to seek the aid of a solicitor ( and her too). You both sound on the edge and some space will be a good thing. I feel sorry for your poor child it seems to be all about what you want.

Adam3322 Sat 23-Mar-19 07:39:41

She sounds the kind of person you should avoid . Dont worry about contact with little one, it will work out. Stay clear of her though , seems to be a lack of appreciation for what u do and a lack of support for your problems

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