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Help! Hard/sensitive situation and dont know what best to do for Unborn Child

(22 Posts)
1sttimedadtobe Tue 26-Feb-19 12:51:52

I dont believe there is possibly any right or wrong answer for this discussion as many opinions will vary depending on personal experiences whether with self or family or friends.

Scenario is

Baby on the way and separated due to issues in house hold and OCD/Anxiety among many other issues

My partner and I are having our first baby, we were made homeless just before Xmas and had to live with her family temporarily month max. Nothing suitable housing wise was coming up, well to opinion of partner. She insists on being close to her family(which I don't have a problem with) as her and her mum suffer with anxiety and also lack of transport as none of them drive except her. After a month i had to leave because tensions were high with her mother whom i struggle to cope with. She has severe OCD and anxiety issues and many rules. I couldn't wash my clothes or have a bath without permission. Couldn't watch anything on TV and had to sit through the endless family arguments and not get involved. A month may not sound long, but I had already had a stint of living there for over a year which is why it was only supposed to be temporary again. Don't want to sound ungrateful for being put up when we needed it, but in truth I never wanted to go back there. We could have gone elsewhere l, but my partner insisted until something better came up.

My partner also suffers from same problems as her mother in fact the OCD is worse. It's not your usual stereotype OCD where certain things have to be certain places or clean freak. It's a case of if want to do something and then have a bad thought she is unable to do, or has to throw away clothes that she was wearing at that time because of the bad OCD.

I have found somewhere to live, the house needs a work, but I can get done before baby arrives, but because of her OCD she wont come to the house. She thinks that she can stay at her parents place with the Baby which I am not happy about. I personally see it as a risk, not just for the mental health, but her family as a whole. My partner needs support 24/7 and although she'd still be there during day it's not a safe or healthy environment for anyone let alone a baby. There is history of violence from her brother who has put her in hospital a few times who is also an Alcoholic and has a Cocaine habit, altho he doesn't live there at the moment, chances are he will be again soon and he's there on a daily basis anyways. There is also a little dog which she is a cute little thing, but no one has control over her and she leaps around all over the place knocking things over and jumping up on everyone. Wouldn't be fair on the dog either being shut away and could turn her nasty, she's already a nipper could make her worse.

The dog is also very yappy, that's not my issue, but everyone in the house gets frustrated and shouts and get angry, then shout at each other when she's barking so mix that with a crying baby i don't see how they can cope.

Her mother is very controlling always has been and has put a lot of her problems onto my partner. She's always scared she's doing wrong and doesn't think she is capable of anything as her mother wouldn't let her. Neither her or her brother can cook a proper meal and both in their 30s and their mother would not allow them in kitchen, partly it was her way of wanting to feel needed, but done in wrong way as they didn't have any life skills both living at him inti their 30s and my partner is too scared to even spend a night on her own because her mum told her how scary it is and she'd struggle. I used to work nights and when we had our own place she would stay at her parents as couldn't cope with 1 night alone. I get that it is scarier and she always reminds me she's a girl, but there comes a time when gotta be able to do it.

I am scared to leave my expected son in their house I really dobt want it to happen, but as we are unmarried I have no legal rights to the child at all and I'm even more scared of losing him to the system if I ended up having to take a legal route. My brothers went into Voluntary care when they were 9 years old, my mother didn't get them back until 3 weeks before their 18th birthday. Also worried that could happen.

I do love my partner and don't want to break up let alone go down a legal route, but I am curious as to what people think of this situation and what advise anyone could offer. I think because of the history of the household if anything was brought up I'm pretty sure Social wouldn't allow a baby in the household, but I'm also scared of losing him completely before he's even born. This has been wrecking my mind and really dobt know what to do.

I'm not here to paint a picture of my partner being a bad mother or anything like that. I love her to bits and I believe she'd be an amazing mother in the right environment. I'm not even trying to say I'd be a better parent. I've had my own issues with depression in the past and I also have Tourette's Syndrome, altho luckily not the stereotyped version.

I've made mistake also, along with the issues of living with her mother the day I left is because i had quite the arguement with her and said somethings i really shouldn't have regardless of them being true or opinion.

What I wish is my partner would realise is in the 18 months we had our own place she was so relaxed and we were happy. She even said to her father the first day we moved back this was first time she's had to raise her voice in stress since we had moved out, altho she still had issues when staying there when I was working she often forgets that and moves on quickly from arguments except the one myself and her mother has. She keeps throwing at me that I walked out on her and expecting baby, where I said and believe (I may be wrong) I walked away from living with her mother and a bad situation before it got even worse.

The area she wants to live in is very expensive and I'm the only one with an income, she was receiving PIP for her Mental Health, but it got stopped back in November. She calls me saying she needs things for the baby and I need to get them as well as fund everything else. I get I will have to regardless, but just find the situation and scenario harder.

I want us to be a happy family, we had been trying for over 3 years for baby and last year we had a round of IVF on NHS which failed and I was trying to save for another round. Due to the postcode lottery for IVF we only got 1 free try. But then a miracle happened and she fell pregnant naturally which was amazing. It was then 2 weeks later we find out we're getting evicted because landlord wanted house back and despite there being options everything is too far. Where I am now is around 25minute drive away and that is still considered too far even tho it'll be a low rent 2 Bedroom cottage.

I may have contradicted myself a lot in this. I really am at a loss and if anyone has anything they can recommend or been in similar situation I'd gladly listen.

Thanks for reading

parietal Tue 26-Feb-19 13:14:46

i'm not sure what to advise but hope someone more knowledgeable comes along.

bump the thread in the evening if you don't get replies - 9pm is a good time.

Farukh11 Tue 26-Feb-19 15:27:33

Hi dear,

I really cant imagine what you could be going through with all this.

I certainly agree that the environment you describe is not good at all for a new child.

I also think your partner needs to start acting like an adult and take responsibility for her well being rather than having things dictated to her.

I cant imagine the difficulty her household and family has caused to her mental health, but she needs to start prioritizing this child (since you both wanted this so much).

I think the place you describe seems lovely and I hope you will have this sorted, I also think you have a lot of pressure - specially to be even thinking of the worse case scenario.

I also agree that it would be unlikely for social services to grant guardianship to her anyway, if it came to that (it wont). However, your priority is to make it clear the toxic environment she is in - without making her think you are wanting to break up her family or harm her relationship with her mum.

FIY - I wont even go to discuss the case of the brother and all the madness you mentioned.

I hope this is sorted soon and all my best wishes for your future, you are doing an amazing job!

1sttimedadtobe Tue 26-Feb-19 18:44:03


1sttimedadtobe Tue 26-Feb-19 18:47:52

Thank you, I do hope its sorted soon also.

As said I'm not wanting the knock my oaryenr9, I want us to work things through together and come out the other side with our little family. I love her to bits and frustratingly she tells me she's not sure I actually do. I dont even hate her family, I dont wanna push them out or anything like that, want everyone to he a part of ours sons life, just in a better atmosphere.

1sttimedadtobe Wed 27-Feb-19 23:07:25

I suppose this quite the hard subject to comment on. Was wondering if anyone would maybe be able to point me in right direction on who to ask for advice. I dont wanna take any legal route as I hope things will work out, just currently not so optimistic so it's more a just in case

NotANotMan Wed 27-Feb-19 23:13:20

Perhaps you could try to persuade her to attend a mediation appointment with you? A mediator will also be the first step towards court proceedings if you are forced to issue them.

SleepWarrior Wed 27-Feb-19 23:18:10

This is hard sad.

The house that needs doing up - could you not just do that and push to get it done before the baby comes. Hopefully she'll see that it is safe and somewhere nice she can move into with her baby. And if not, then you have somewhere close by that she can at least bring the baby to for visits and spend time all together away from her family (and then maybe change her mind gradually).

1sttimedadtobe Wed 27-Feb-19 23:33:35

The house I will have no trouble getting ready in time. And despite reassurances she tells me she cant come here regardless because of her OCD. If I could find a reasonably priced rent house or flat nearer where she wants to be I'd jump at it. It's just unfortunately unlikely. I get she wants to be close to her family and that has never been a problem for me, its living with a child in the family house that is my concern, too many risks plus she has OCD issues there. She can't touch the carpet with here bare skin nor the sofa which is going to prove difficult to avoid with a baby. Her room has no space for a cot and the spare room is not big enough plus it's her brothers room and hes quite likely gonna need it again soon. But those issues a side it's not a good environment. She is still going to need the support of her family especially when I'm working that I 100% get, but she needs or we need our own place so when things get out of hand in her families house she can escape quickly.

1sttimedadtobe Wed 27-Feb-19 23:35:53

I have suggested this, but the suggestion wasn't well received as shes convinced her Mental Health will be used against her. Altho I have mentioned about her Mental Health its not something to use against her, regardless of her problems I think she would be an amazing mum and has so much love to give, it's the current surroundings that are the problem

1sttimedadtobe Thu 28-Feb-19 18:45:09

So I have tried to make some progress today talking to my partner once again explaining my concerns which she refuses to acknowledge and unless I find an alternative accommodation her plan is to stay with her parents and I have to make do til find something she finds acceptable. I'm just feeling emotional blackmail is being used against me. I didn't wanna turn this into a pitty party, but I am scared on what is going to happen with my son when he is here. I don't want to fight with her, but I'm also not wanting to just allow him to be in that household 24/7 and there be nowhere for her to go when problems occur, she'll have no escape as refusing to ever come to the house I'm working on at the moment which potentially I'd gonna be a complete waste of time and money.

It's harder as we are not married so I have no rights until my name is on the birth certificate and of I went down the route of involving Social worried we would both lose him forever. Wish I knew what was the best thing to do

NotANotMan Thu 28-Feb-19 19:26:18

Ok. Social services don't take babies away from parents with no good reason. But if your baby isn't going to be safe in that home they can instigate a plan to protect him. That would most likely be for them to move out and live with you.
The absolute worst case scenario would probably be that the baby ended up living with you and not her. I'm sure you don't want that but if you imagine that as the most likely end game hopefully you won't worry about the baby being taken away.

IrishCypriot Thu 28-Feb-19 20:06:03

Would it help if you showed her a budget of income? Try and make her see that you are restricted with expenditure and how much you can afford to spend on rent (though at the same time not unintentionally guilt tripping! I know it can be difficult) and then show her a list of potential properties available at the moment in your budget?

That might make her see why you have made the choice you have.

Regarding the carpet and sofa issue, could you replace the furnishings fairly easily? With Lino and leather seats?

1sttimedadtobe Thu 28-Feb-19 20:56:13

Budgeting is something I have shown her many times, when we were saving for IVF she couldn't contribute much because her PIP was stopped which meant I had to buy groceries as she used to but no longer had the money. Always put a plan in for everything how much we could save between us even when found out she was pregnant, never asked for a lot £5 a week where I was putting in minimum £100 a month in joint account. When I go through what we have left over she would cry then next day would be going through it again.

The carpet and sofa issues are at her mother's house and they have just brought all new furniture and carpet in last year so cant imagine them doing it again as they same situation as us, her dad works and is the only provider whilst her mum is on the pip for her mental health.

1sttimedadtobe Thu 28-Feb-19 20:58:28

Thanks, wish was comforting, well is in a way, but its really not the route I ever wanna take, despite everything I want us to be happy together as a family, just each time we speak getting more and more unsure of she wants it.

BrokenLink Thu 28-Feb-19 21:07:06

Please tell your midwife about the mental health issues on all sides of the family. It is very relevant to the care they provide. They will inform other agencies as they see fit and together with you and your partner a plan will be made about the best interests of the child. If you do not know how to contact your midwife, call the hospital where you will give birth and tell them you have information you wish to share, of a safeguarding nature. Many hospitals have a specialist mental health midwife. It is important they are made aware of this situation. You do not have to manage this on your own, reach out for professional help.

1sttimedadtobe Thu 28-Feb-19 21:38:50

The mental health issues have been listed by The Midwife including me having Tourettes, but unaware of issues at the family house. At time we were not living there so we didn't say anything. What I'm also worried about is coming across like the bad guy. Always said I wouldn't use her mental health against her, I dont feel I am, but maybe come across like I do, I dont know

BrokenLink Thu 28-Feb-19 22:13:52

You are not using her mental health against her. You have stated that you think she will make a good mum but you are concerned that the emotional environment in the family home may pose a risk to the baby. Be fully open and honest with professionals about the circumstances the baby will brought into and let them exercise their professional judgement. Then you have met your responsibilities as a parent.

1sttimedadtobe Sat 02-Mar-19 11:10:05

Looks as tho I may have to take the route I didn't want to. She unfortunately cant get passed the day I fell put with her mother and for things I said to her, as said before they were things I shouldn't have said even if true. I have tried all sorts of approach backing off, taking out for lunch even took her away for Valentines and her birthday, but it's still me who has to make up for everything and no effort on relationship rebuilding or searching housing from her, just excuse after excuse on why certain properties are no good. 2 came up close to where she wants to be, but when I explained I can't afford it on my wages along with everything I'd have to buy for an empty property we have no essentials. This was just met with a Fine. I got a but straight to the point and said its not all down to me and she needs to start thinking of our son and make an effort. This probbed her to contact housing which wasn't gonna do much, but thought at least she gonna try. In return I was moaned at for not bidding on a property since 31st December to which I reminded her that was because she didn't want me to because they were too far.

This turned into a text argument and yes I know I should have just ended the convo, but I stupidly didn't. I asked If there is any comeback from this as feel she doesn't want it to which she replied "Maybe if I was better towards her it wouldn't be like this" I was fuming with this responce, I couldn't believe it I do everything I can for her not because I have to, but because I've wanted to. I replied that maybe she needs to look at how she treats me and that I think she's being selfish.

Sometimes I wish I don't reply in frustratuon as well she is pregnant and I dont wanna cause more stress, but this situation is frustrating me so much and nothing I do is right or good enough even tho I do everything. Even before she was pregnant, she didn't work. I worked 12 hour night shifts 6-6 got up at 2pm everyday to cook her food because she couldn't and was on a Slimming world diet and she didn't know what to do with everything. I washed up after she would dry. I'd even do my share 9f the housework so she wasnt left with it all. I'm not saying she never did anything, for first couple years I didn't drive and took her to work and she paid for shopping from her money, if was too much then I'd pay some too. But it got to the point where I would wake up and first thing she'd ask me is what's for dinner same on my days off. Despite numerous times of showing her what to do she wouldn't make any attempt or even prep, her excuse was that I wouldn't like it, I said, but at least she would have tried and more she did it the more confident she'd get in kitchen. This is issue that her mother wouldn't let her learn at home and even now it's the same, shes cant go cook a meal from fresh in her mums kitchen only stuff can just chuck straight in oven or microwave.

I'm drifting again, but so much frustration inside me at the moment, didn't want this, but feel she's pushing me away and doesn't even wanna work things out between us and dont believe she has any real intentions of leaving her mums house

1sttimedadtobe Mon 04-Mar-19 18:11:51

Not much of a progress report, but our relationship is now over. Apparently I'm playing mind games. Last thing I wanted was for the relationship to end, but at least I know where I stand now, yesterday at work my head was all over the place and I made so many mistakes was becoming a nervous wreck as was waiting for her to tell me what she wanted. Today we had a heated exchange wish I avoided it. I asked again if there is anyway back and whether she wants to again no answer. I stepped back from the arguement and just said no point us keep going round in circles if she doesn't have the feelings anymore we cant continue. It still resorts back to the arguement with her mother, I get it's her mum, but that's who I fell out with and she's held against me since.

Despite seeing it coming and knowing it would happen I am still absolutely heartbroken from it. I love this girl like no other, for so long I wanted her to be apart of my life and it finally happened, then we finally got coming what we were so desperately wanting and then we come to a crashing end. Devastated is an understatement 😥

PiebaldHamster Mon 04-Mar-19 18:16:19

I really hope SS gets involved as this child sounds at risk.

MC68 Mon 04-Mar-19 18:26:40

Just found this thread.
How are you doing? How’s things?
You do have rights as you are the father smile, & if needs must you can prove this via a DNA test once your son is born.
Your son won’t be taken away if Social can be s witking single Father! grin

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