Happy marriage- does this exist

[Squashedout]

My wife & I are on weekly arguments. Can last about a day or 2. I have tried to listen to the issues she has with me but the problem is I don’t know how to solve them. I wish it was things like leaving the toilet seat up. I can easily get that fixed.

Are there couples out there who don’t argue and things run smoothly and effortlessly. Or if you do argue you don’t think it’s such a big deal.

The main arguments we have is about money and her having to work. She totally resents me for it in that it’s all my fault that she has to work and can’t do more stuff with kids.

I’m sorry but not everyone is designed to be on 100k salaries. I’m not accusing her of being materialistic or anything but Surely there has got to be more unfortunate circumstances life can throw at you than that.

She’s really got it in for me because she has to work (part time I might add). If anything goes wrong she always relates to it to the working mum issue so it always becomes my fault.

I try to solve problems but some things are difficult or long term.

[littlebillie]

I work part time and most families have to do this to get by. I think you need to have a realistic chat about your standard of living as if you can go without her income what would be the long term impact on your income for your family ie pensions holidays extras.

The average salary is around £26k so would you be able to survive on that.

I think being a SAHM is great but you have to have a realistic financial plan

Probably best not to discuss this in a argument but make time to sit down. Tot up your assets, incomings and outgoing then you have a factual basis for discussion

[AssassinatedBeauty]

Oh stop it, @reason4. Women are people, we're not a homogenous mass who all behave the same way. Some people are never satisfied. It's got naff all to do with their sex.

@Squashedout your wife is being unreasonable to expect not to have to work. Very very few people are in the position where other people pay for their lifestyle. It's unrealistic to expect it and to be angry at you. Adults need to work to provide for themselves and be responsible for themselves. Has your wife ever considered getting a better paid job so she can work less hours?

FWIW, I don't argue with my DP, we just discuss things and decide what we're going to do.

[OpalIridescence]

Ah reason I think you may be grappling with the shocking news that all women are not actually the same person.
Some women may want to work, some may not. This is due to the fact that they are individuals.

[Squashedout]

Hard to know what to do. On a day that she works, she swears at me, blames me, gets in a really stroppy mood. The days that she doesn’t work she’s fine. Almost a different wife!

She’s not asking for a lavish lifestyle. Just wants to be with the kids spending quality time, doing homework etc. Totally get that and wish I could offer that life. But unfortunately things don’t always go the way you want them to in some aspects of life eg career. I think my salary is pretty good to be honest but needs to be amazing for a family to function with a one parent earner. My father was probably on a below average salary at the time and was still able to comfortably support the family.

So where does all this go? Do these arguements just carry on? Or do I try to find a job with a higher salary (which have been trying to do for the past year but just doesn’t seem to be happening). I’d like to move on too as do want to progress my career irrespective of this situation.

If am honest, I would have walked long ago but I know that it would have a massive impact on my kids lives.

So as a result I’m just staying in a relationship so the kids are ok. My wife probably feels the same way. Maybe it’s inevitale what will happen....

[MrsTerryPratcett]

Seems to me like women are simply never satisfied. It's in their nature.

I'm astounded anyone agreed to marry you in the first place.

Back to the OP. Do you take other things off her plate so she can do homework and spend time with the kids? DH does a fair amount of the shitwork, even though he generally works more hours than me, because I handle the emotional work in the house.

[missminimum]

She sounds stressed and could possibly be depressed. Being a working parent also comes with a package of guilt for many. I would suggest you don't focus on that she only works part time, as she will feel she is also working at home when caring for the children. You both need to see each others point of view, acknowledge how you are both feeling , discussing things at a time when you are not arguing. Perhaps you both need to be less defensive about things. It maybe she is not blaming you personally or thinking you should earn more, just feeling frustrated that she feels she is not able to do the job of parenting to the standard she would like to. If you try to be supportive and ask her to explain how she is feeling, in time she may change her approach - arguing and being defensive will not work for either of you.

[Squashedout]

Thanks all. Perhaps deep down I don’t want to walk. Want it to work out. It is frustrating not being able to give your family what they need. It all comes down to money in the end.

I wouldn’t say I help out with chores such as dinner, kitchen stuff, dishwasher etc. They are my chores! Other things we share adhoc.

[MrsTerryPratcett]

Keep telling yourself that all the women in your life are unhappy because of their hormones.

[MinorRSole]

she doesn't get to have a temper tantrum because she has to work - that's absurd. Loads of us have to work, you have to work! I'm not sure how you solve this because she wants to be a kept woman and you can't (and shouldn't have to) 'keep her'. Sounds utterly miserable though and not at all normal.

[Namenic]

I used to be of a mindset that either me, oh or both need to work to earn a large income for all the stuff we’d like to provide the kids. But I think i’ve reduced my expectations in that area and am much more happy with what we have. End of the day - I don’t think kids would mind too much about not having lots of money/stuff/extra-curric as long as they knew their parents tried hard and loved them and listened to them and each other. Maybe ask her what exactly worries her about not being sahm? Does she realise you are trying as hard as you can and that you too are sad you can’t have more? Maybe she is having a tough time at work? I am part time and find my job way too stressful and want to quit/change career but hard financially.

[Squashedout]

Now we get to the issue of half term and holidays. Wife is not happy because I haven’t booked any annual leave off. WE planned the year together and decided when I would best take annual leave as we have holidays, birthdays and other various things to take into account. So we planned it for the entire year and it was known that I would not be booked for any leave that week. All my annual leave allowance is all used up now for the year.

So now she is got a grudge against me because she is having to be off with the kids all week doing all the running around with them. Whilst I’m just at work “relaxing”. Well we booked the leave together. She is in a job where she chooses when to work so she doesn’t work much during holidays. She does some evening shifts instead.

I get it can be exhausting looking after kids when they are at school. But what can I do if my leave has all been used up??? For some holidays later in the year it won’t be a problem as we are going away.

She says that if we are both working bringing in the money, then we need to be doing child care 50:50. So for half term, I should with them for 2.5 days and she should be off 2.5 days. I get that but how do I make that happen if I have used all my annual leave and we jointly decided I wouldn’t have that time off for this half term.

To help compensate, I have tried to do some work from home, which basically means doing minimal work and trying to look after kids. I’m doing my best to do my share but she works part time so does have more hours/days at her disposal to do more child care than me. As I work 5 days, I don’t have that luxury to do mid week child care.

And then to really humiliate me, she will say I could have worked harder and been on a 100k salary. Then I could have supported her and then she would happily do all the child care / home stuff and would let me get on with work. Sorry but not everyone can get to that 6 figure salary, even though we might aspire towards it.

I’d love to look after my kids as much as she does but I’m not in a part time job.

[Squashedout]

Also I wouldn’t mind if this was a civilised conversation but she is damn right aggressive and rude to me about all this.

[greendale17]

And then to really humiliate me, she will say I could have worked harder and been on a 100k salary. Then I could have supported her

She sounds like a ungrateful and horrible brat.

[AssassinatedBeauty]

She's being daft to think that you should be doing 50/50 childcare in the holidays, as she is part time and you are full time. She is also being daft to resent it now, when it was agreed at the start of the year.

What doe she say when you point out that this is what was agreed between you?

It's interesting that you describe it as an attempt to humiliate you, when she complains about you not earning a 6 figure salary. It's actually a laughable complaint from her, it's ridiculous. Adult people shouldn't expect to be kept by their partner, it's a very old fashioned and sexist attitude to expect and demand to be a SAHP with school age children. Rather than find it humiliating, can you try to think of it as absurd and laughable? And again, tell her that she needs to work harder and get a better paid part time job. Then she could work fewer days for the same money.

[BuggerFlip]

She needs a reality check. I work ft (37 hrs a week but it's often more). I'm on average London salary. My dh works ft and earns less than me (£31k so nowhere near 100k!!). We share childcare and chores and it works. In a dreamworld I would work pt but kids are 11 and 9 now so not babies anymore. Pt work means worse pension and a decent pension for both mine/dh and the kids is v important to me as the slightly higher earner. I would obviously like Dh to earn more but after many years of horrible jobs with awful bosses he's now in a job he loves and he's much happier and has more family time. I think your wife is behaving v badly. Why cos you're the man you should earn more/work more? I personally would not want to rely on anyone for my future and know I can support myself if needs be. She should be grateful that she only needs to work pt in my opinion. And as for the childcare issues this week. Can't you just pay for holiday clubs like the rest of us?

[Squashedout]

Today was hell. Walked into a meeting at work and got phone call after phone call from her within 5 minutes. Demanding I come home NOW as daughter was playing up and misbehaving and she’s had enough.

Erm I’ve got an all day meeting I can’t just drop it. Obviously if it’s a genuine emergency then that’s what happens. But this was ridiculous. I can’t just walk out of a meeting within 5 minutes. V stressful.

To be honest if it wasn’t a meeting ie just normal day to day work I would have come back. I honestly don’t purposefully go to work to avoid kids. I go because I have to. I felt bad that I couldn’t help out but at the same time, it felt like she was being unreasonable. I wanted to help out but couldn’t. She thinks I just relax in my job.

I can’t help but think there must be a woman out there who is a lovely person and a bit more reasonable.

[Mrskeats]

Dear me. From that post today she sounds unhinged. Also why does she want to stay at home when she can’t cope with the kids in half term? Weird.

[AssassinatedBeauty]

Will she go to marriage counselling? She has fundamentally different expectations to you, and doesn't seem willing to consider your point of view.

Unless your DD has some difficult condition that is hard to handle, calling you at work about behaviour is a massive overreaction. It is also odd to expect you to be able to leave work and come home. She must realise that the majority of people cannot leave their work for anything other than a serious emergency.

[Butteredghost]

She sounds really unreasonable. I think think things have to change or you should leave the relationship. The insults about your salary are not on - that's just ridiculous. Do you think she is really annoyed about this or is she generally unhappy and trying to pick a fight? Not that it would be an excuse, but this may dictate what your next actions might be.

I think a lot of us would like to not work, including me. But I'm the breadwinner so that's that, isn't it.

[MrFartPants]

Wants to be a "kept woman" and stay at home with the kids all the time. Gets chance to stay with kids all the time but can't handle it, lol.

She sounds like a totally unreasonable woman. I couldn't handle her type of logic.

[mbosnz]

Um, it sounds like she wants to be a SAHM - but not have to deal with the kids. . .

Not entirely reasonable, really, is it?

It is not on how abusive she is being towards you. And she is. She is behaving in a very immature fashion - newsflash, very few of us have the life we want. We just have to find a way of either making it work and learning to live with it and get as much enjoyment out of it as we can, or changing it. But berating the other member of your team because they aren't earning enough to keep you in the fashion to which you wish to be accustomed is not an option.

[Heulog]

Advice for your wife is to find a job (pt or ft) that she really enjoys doing, so work becomes a pleasure rather than a stress. Because society gives us this 'ideal' mum who is a sahm, bakes cookies, waltzes around her shiny kitchen surrounded by gleaming new appliances and goes for coffee with friends/ cheers on her darling children at gymnastics etc etc and kisses her husband when he comes through the door at teatime. This is unattainable for most families (and undesirable for those with job satisfaction/career prospects/who value independence) but its how in the media we see what we should be doing. She probably feels like she's failing at both the work thing and the mum thing.

[QforCucumber]

no not every relationship is like this and a warning, don't stay together for the kids - they'll know how desperately unhappy you both are and would rather 2 separate happy parents than together making each other miserable.