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Feeling guilty

(13 Posts)
Cleon91 Mon 19-Nov-18 09:17:17

Hi, new to the forum so take it easy. I’ve just had a new born with my current gf and I already have a 5year old boy and 9 year old girl with an ex. My partner has a 5 year old boy. Yesterday my children met their day old sister for the first time and I couldn’t help but feel guilty as anything that my son kept asking why do I live with her and my partners son but not him. It really got to him and I could tell it was cutting him up inside and I couldn’t help but feel massively guilty because i have always wanted my children to live with me full time. Does any one else feel the same in this sort of situation? I see my children from ex every weekend and call them every night but it’s really starting to drag me down how they must feel about my newborn and my gfs son living with me and they can’t. Hope this makes sense would be grateful for any replies.

PerverseConverse Mon 19-Nov-18 10:41:46

Congratulations on your new baby!
I don't have any advice really. My two daughters live with me and their brother and their dad lives with his girlfriend and her kids and their two kids. It really hurts them that they see he left them for her and her other kids. In their eyes he has replaced them. He has no time for them unless it involves all the other kids. The only thing I can think of is to make sure you spend time with just them. They were there first and didn't ask for this situation. Mine never get that time and they hate their dad and his gf for it. All you can do is reassure them and show them by your actions that they matter as much as they ever did and it's certainly not their fault that you left as children often blame themselves. Good luck.

Cleon91 Mon 19-Nov-18 10:58:10

I have them every weekend from Friday after school till Sunday and I usually stay at my parents with them so I have my own time with them , I just don’t want them thinking when they come over they can’t get the affection they got off me before baby was born, partners son isn’t the friendliest either andconstant tells my little boy to shut up and snatches toys etc. I’ve tried to talk to her about this and she lets all hell break loose, it’s either her kid or no kids she has total disrespect for my children to the point she even has ago at them for walking in front of her if we’re out and about which don’t help my sons confidence as he lacks massively in confidence and is really timid and shy, I don’t know how much more I can handle and I feel even worst that I feel like this after only having the new born for a day. It’s been building up over time and I know now the baby is here it’s only going to get worst how she acts towards my children when I adore them dearly and don’t want them feeling pushed out or hurt or thinking they can’t soend time with daddy no more.

PerverseConverse Mon 19-Nov-18 11:15:38

Time to daddy up, I'm afraid. Tell her that she is behaving in a disrespectful way towards your children and you when she does things like that. How long have you been separated from your ex?
Obviously you won't be staying the weekends at your parents now that you have a newborn. You will have to find a way to blend together to some extent.

Cleon91 Mon 19-Nov-18 11:50:00

I’ve been apart from my ex since my little boy was 3months old so a fair while, my son has a hard time getting used to any one associated with me due to how close we are

PerverseConverse Mon 19-Nov-18 11:57:19

I imagine he feels abandoned and replaced. He's grown up without you there on a day basis. That's really shit for a little boy. My ds is 3 and has only met his dad once because his dad didn't want him. He's now starting to ask questions and it's really difficult to tell him things without him feeling hurt. Luckily for now he's easily distracted by something else once I've answered a few questions.

Cleon91 Mon 19-Nov-18 12:06:15

He’s typically a very happy little boy and has never asked any questions about why his mummy and me are with other people, I just really don’t want him feeling let down by me because he used to get my attention a lot, I think I just need to make sure he’s involved with feeding, bathing etc so he feels helpful rather than oh why’s daddy bathing the baby and not giving me a cuddle. I suppose it’s something most children feel when a new baby comes along and it’s just making sure they feel involved and not ignored. I ring him daily before school and before he goes bed and I pick him up from school on Fridays as they let me finish work early to do this so nothing like that will change.

PerverseConverse Mon 19-Nov-18 12:31:11

No reason why he can't still have that attention if you make sure your time with him is for him.
Is his mum with someone else who lives with them and has always been around since he was tiny?

PerverseConverse Mon 19-Nov-18 12:32:08

It's odd you have them every weekend. Does your ex not want to see her children at the weekend?

Cleon91 Mon 19-Nov-18 12:40:56

Yeah his mum has a little boy with her new man and he has a daughter. It’s my choice to have them every weekend as I can’t stand not being with them, seriously they go home sundays at 5:30 and I hate handing them back I’d love to give up my job and become a full time dad 😩

PerverseConverse Mon 19-Nov-18 12:54:43

Sounds a bit shit all round really. It's not fair to your children that they are not getting relaxing time with their mum to have fun and you won't get weekends where you can focus on your newborn. Court ordered contact is normally every other weekend, one evening in the week, and half the holidays with alternate christmases. I can't see your arrangement working for long as they all grow older and realise how things aren't equal and fair.

notthiscrapagain Mon 19-Nov-18 14:37:17

Oh, that's really sad. Apart from the living arrangements I'm just wondering why you've allowed your partner to treat your children with such disdain? Obviously it's a bit late now but if I saw that behaviour from a partner towards my DS, they would be gone. It says an awful lot about a person if they treat a child like that and your son will be picking up on the fact that you don't have his back when it comes to your new partner. No wonder he feels confused and upset!

AssassinatedBeauty Mon 19-Nov-18 15:45:48

Your partners behaviour towards your son is totally not on. That's got to stop straightaway - how can you love someone that treats you child like that?

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