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Feel like i have lost my partner to depression

(16 Posts)
Frazz1 Tue 09-Oct-18 19:53:44

My first ever post on anything like this but have no idea where to turn. Start with the basics i am a 22 year old dad with a 15 month old boy, he is my pride and joy. I am still together which in some people my age can be quite rare.
For a long time my partner has suffered from depression, she had a miscarriage not long before my son was born and i think some of her depression stems from that and obviously pnd from after our son was born, in the last few months especially since she has started full time work her depression has accelerated at a very fast pace, when shes not at work all she really does is sleep, she is letting her hygiene slip, she is very short tempered and can be quite nasty and also make comments about how she has no connection or bond with our son. This has led to me taking on alot of the primary care for our son, most nights i cook his dinner, i make his lunch, i get his breakfast, i get him ready for nursery, i bath him and put him to bed most nights(i have no problem with this as i love the time i spend with him) but find it all very challenging as i have a massive balancing act between work and home life, it has started effecting my job as whenever my boy is ill, or is sent home from nursery early or just days we have no one to look after him its always myself that needs to take time from work as my partner always has a reason why she can't.
I suffer from quite bad anxiety and some depression myself and have done since i lost my mother at the age of 16, so i can understand my partners issues but can never seem to get her to talk to me about anything or whenever she does she always gets angry and upset which in return can cause me to get angry, i have some issues processing emotions at times and seem to react out of anger its always my go to emotion, i am currently seeking help with this issue and i am going to behaviour therapy to combat this but i can understand that sometimes i don't help matters. On sunday night i got a phone call from my parents mother and she informed me that my partner had made an attempt to take her own life, her mother came to visit and interrupted and managed to stop her doing serious damage to herself, obviously i raced straight home from work and have been by her side since, i am devastated, confused, angry and just numb, i found the note she wrote to me and my son and just broke down i feel like i am failing because i didn't notice how bad she is getting and after seeing that note i know she was serious about this.
She is still very quiet and won't really talk to me, she gets very angry when we talk about it and is still having suicidal thoughts, i want to apologise for the length of this but i have no idea what to do, my head is all over the place i feel like have lost the person i love to this horrible illness and i don't know how to get her back, if anyone can take time to read this and have maybe been in a similar situation i would honestly appreciate any sort of advice no matter how little, thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.

Redken24 Tue 09-Oct-18 19:55:18

I haven't been in a similar situation but you all have my sympathy.

Has your partner seen the GP? And have you for yourself?

louella99 Tue 09-Oct-18 20:01:46

You sound like you're doing a great job. What (if any) professional support do you have? It sounds like you need some outside help. If your partner isn't able to/doesn't want to speak to anyone about her mental health could you contact your child's health visitor and ask for a home visit, to get the ball rolling with some help?

Frazz1 Tue 09-Oct-18 20:03:15

Yeah she has been to the gp and they have started her on a course of stronger tablets than shes been on previously, she is also going to start counselling. Yes i also attend the gp once every couple of months for my own issues and have been on tablets for about 6 months now.
Thank you for taking the time to read and reply its appreciated👍

Frazz1 Tue 09-Oct-18 20:05:16

She has said she is going to start counselling but i have no idea how long it will take to get an appointment with one, i was considering calling the health visitor but was unsure if this was something they would help with.

louella99 Tue 09-Oct-18 20:05:31

Glad to hear you're both seeing your GP

louella99 Tue 09-Oct-18 20:06:31

Definitely call, it's exactly the kind of thing your health visitor can assist with. She will know how to help and will be able to signpost you to other people that can help too.

Frazz1 Tue 09-Oct-18 20:08:49

Thats great thank you i will definitely give them a call tomorrow then, thank you very much!

celticmissey Tue 09-Oct-18 20:16:14

I have been where you are.Living with somebody with depression is so draining. They close down from people they love and without meaning it they can be vile towards you when they do not mean it. My partner was like this- I had days of not being spoken to or being snapped at, wondering what I had done wrong when it was the depression that was the cause of the behaviour.

It is very easy for your mental health to suffer. After 3 years of trying to get my OH to see the GP I had to give him an ultimatum. Either he went to the doctor or I had to leave to try and stop my mental health going the same way. He agreed a d I went with him. He takes medication and manages his mental health. You are doing so well but if you are not careful you will deteriorate yourself.

Did she see a crisis team in hospital when she threatened suicide? If so they should be able to put a support plan together. You need to speak to your GP also. Can you ask her to go with you? You may need to be blunt that you are struggling yourself.

It could be that on top of depression she has post natal depression. Ring the surgery and speak with the health visitor they could arrange a home visit to speak to her and get her the help she really needs.

You also need to protect your little one if she is not herself which it sounds like you are doing.Have social services become involved at all? Sometimes they can access support services more quickly.

It's heartbreaking seeing a love one get swallowed up by depression. Would she speak to the Samaritans? They always listen and are never judgemental. I hope things improve for you all, but try and get as much professional health that you can.

celticmissey Tue 09-Oct-18 20:17:34

Sorry didn't see some of the GP stuff - that's good news.

ArrivisteRevolt Tue 09-Oct-18 20:21:12

You sound really sensible. It is so hard, but it sounds as though you are making good decisions.

Lots of us have been where you are now - and it gets so much better. Try to get out and change your scene a bit if you can. Walking/running/fresh air can make it easier.

Frazz1 Tue 09-Oct-18 20:35:50

Couple of years ago me and sensible didn't go in the same sentence lol thanks for messages back puts my mind at ease being able to talk about, i have been trying to gey back to the gym and start going regularly again, maybe thought this could maybe help my partner aswell as she used to like going and its something we could do together just don't want to cause any offence to her by asking as she has gained a bit of weight and is very self conscious about it i don't want to sound like i have a problem with her appearance which i definitely don't i just think exercise can be good for the mind

Rosesared Tue 13-Nov-18 18:43:51

I am going thru pnd at the moment, tho not as severe as your partner. Go online and find a guy called Mark Williams. He's done a few Youtube videos and does support groups for dads struggling thru pnd. Brilliant guy...probably saved our marriage. Also, dunno about the details of your lo's birth, but if it was traumatic, your partner may suffer with PTSD. When you speak to health visitor, enquire about something called Rewind therapy. Not sure where you're based, but it's a new thing (Sept, I think) they started in Wales. Again...Rewind therapy saved our marriage and possibly my life. If ur based in North Wales INSIST she gets Rewind therapy. It's 3 sessions. It works. If your partner had birth trauma.

You're doing fantastic, and I know from experience how much pressure you feel to carry on "doing fanrastic" when people say that.
Mark Williams
Rewind therapy
Do it!

Good luck xxx

1forAll74 Thu 15-Nov-18 04:52:55

You sound like a lovely guy, and have written so well on here,about your problems, and too young to be having all these issues in your life.

I hope that you will be able to stay calm during this time, and that your partner can try and get some help with her depression.

Your little son is in the midst of all these problems,and you are doing a great job with him, so hope you can get through all this and all be a happy family soon.

RockAndSausageRoll Sat 29-Dec-18 19:42:51

As somebody who's suffered my fair share of depression over the years, I can say that exercise is one of the best solutions. Never got on well with SSRIs.

But the hardest part is getting out of the self destructive mindset.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Tue 26-Mar-19 19:19:08

Thanks for posting,it’s hard to compose such a difficult post when worried about your partner. Sorry to read you’re both having a hard time. Depression is treatable illness but it takes time,plus she’s adjusting to a life changing role. Going from being an adult with no Dependent children to being a parent is hard transition

The +ve are you’re supportive, and thoughtful. Trust me that goes a country mile

Regard appearance it’s really tough,after pg body changes you look and feel different. Surrounded by media images,instagram of other women who “snap back”. Tell your partner she’s remarkable and she made and carried a baby that she grew inside her.

With the meds keep in touch with the GP to monitor,and keep asking about the counselling and any wait list. There are choices with meds so try a SSRI and see what dose works. Eat well and Regard exercise, any exercise even a gentle walk is beneficial for mood and health. Plenty good dvds out there and post natal exercise. The HV can refer to post natal exercise and support

Good luck I wish you both well now and in the future

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