Am I expecting too much?

[Alexneedadvice]

Hi guys,

I'd like to seek advice from you experience parents to evaluate whether I am expecting too much from my wife, .

Our daughter is soon 1yo, she's angel to us and we feel grateful. But the past year has been difficult, at the begining, my wife took the girl back to home country for a few months so she can have her parent to help (We both immigrant in UK from far east, don't have family or an extensive social circle here).

Since they came back we have felt the stretch. Financially we are struggled with only my limited income (no much left after deducting mortgage and bills). And she didn't want to go back to the work that she hates and indeed not really earning anything after deducting full time nursery cost. I feel the pressure and want to find a better pay job, so far haven't been successful.

Mentally we both frustrated, I am tired and frustrated for not able to provide better financial support for the family. She must felt the loads of childcare work is boring, and she dose have any sparks at home. Worse of all I feel that she's growingly resentful on me. Any topic is soon ended with her aggression.

She complains that I'm not earning enough(I accept but hasn't find a way to increase this my job is not commission based, so maybe my fault);

She complain that I'm not spending enough effort helping (The fact is she pretty much stop doing housework at all if any and I cook, I wash, I clean as much as I could, I cannot be a cleaner all day long but at least I'm not adding any load, but she does);

She also complain that I am selfish because I go out have my own activities (yes, I still try to do 2-3 30mins run after work because I have a marathon to run soon, this I've waited for 2 year after deferring due to baby birth).

I don't want to argue, because I think she is not completely unreasonable plus she might have post-natal depression, so I just shut my mouth and walk away or doing housework. I can feel her depression, I suggested her to talk to GP or a counsellor, she refused, she think the problem was caused by me (or marrying to me), nothing can change me.

But inside I am very angry, I am angry because she doesnt look after herself. She said she has no time to eat and all her time used was to look after baby. No, she watch soap many hours a day, and couldn't bother to cook some simple food or order take away.

She watch TV till 2-3am in the morning, and struggle on bed in the morning when baby wakes up. I make the formula before I go to work, she feeds half-sleeping and take (pretty much force) baby to sleep further til midday or afternoon. This make the baby eat her first meal around 11, last meal around6:30-7(just about the time I'm home) and go to bed at 9ish, and either she one help DD to sleep while I do the wash up and cleaning, or I help DD sleep while she is watching TV down stairs!!!

I've only sleep of what she does everyday 6 vs 12 (I also try to do some study to improve my job prospect)

I'm tired and I don't feel the share of work has been fair. I am really trying my best but still seems not enough, am I expecting too much from her?

Thanks
Alex

[Alexneedadvice]

By the way, thanks very much for taking time to read, and sorry I'm adding a lot negativities here, I need a channel to vent too.

[sparklyandhungover]

Having a baby is very hard work, and can be very exhausting. And to be honest whilst my babies were little although I did the house work it wasn't to the standard it would normally be.

Having said that I still did most of it and my husband would chip in with house work and making meals.

If you think you're wife has post natal depression she needs to visit the gp or you should ask for a visit from the health visitor.

I do think you need to discuss how you are feeling with your wife.


Do you have friends who could look after the baby for an hour so you could take her for a date or a meal even for an hour ...

[nailak]

Ok so you say after work you go for a run.
Is there any time that she gets to go out, or have baby free time when you look after the baby?
I can understand feeling resentful of that.
When you've had no adult contact all day, it is stressful.
Also I think maybe you should have the baby all day for one day and see how much housework and cooking you are able to get done. You seem to be seriously underestimating the amount of effort it takes to look after a one year old.

She s watching tv until late at night as that is her unwinding time.
She seems exhausted.

Encourage her to get out, go to toddler groups, take dd to the park. Don't worry if the house work is not done to the normal standard. You look after your child while your wife goes out twice a week so she also has the chance to have interests and activities and friends.
If she won t go out then maybe invite her friends round and you take dd out for a few hours while they are there.
Or arrange a babysitter and take her out for the evening.

Also talk to other dad's in real life. Ask them what it was like when they had babies, just like she needs friends, support and advice so do you. You may find your expectations of her aren't realistic.

[ThatFridayFeeling]

Did you say DD is in nursery full time as well?

[librarysuperstar]

I think I was a bit like this when DS was born tbh, I just found being at home all the time so lonely and boring it kind of drained away my energy and motivation. The first months and years of having a baby/young child is tough because it feels like neither of you really get a proper break and you can easily end up resenting each other.

I know this is a sensitive topic but the money worries may contribute to her state of mind. I felt very hopeless when we were struggling financially and like I couldn't compare with the lives of other mothers locally, couldn't really just go out and do coffee all the time etc. It sounds awful but that's the way it was in my head.

Anyway it may be that she is depressed, it may just be that she is unhappy atm and using TV as an escape. Does she have any friends around or is she alone a lot?

I would look at maybe putting your DC in a nursery part-time and your wife getting part time work. Even if most money goes on nursery fees she will probably feel like part of the world again. Does she get a break much atm?

[Alexneedadvice]

Thanks for the reply, we do have friends not that far but my wife wouldn't trust anyone to do babysit apart from relatives. I did ask the health visitor, but she wouldnt open up and talk

[Alexneedadvice]

Thanks for reply Nailak, I have been trying to do full day care during the weekend, in the begining I think she appreciates, because at least she can have a beauty sleep till 2pm, but recently I found as soon as I am at home (sometime I work from home and I do also look after DD in the morning as my wife sleep long) her time would then spend on binge watching and sleep. She doesn't value her health, as I would selfishly do, that's why I think some running is good for me, and kind of relieve 30mins. She does have handful of friends in this country, I did encourage her to do activities, but with a life style like this she doesn't have time or energy to carry out anything really.

[Alexneedadvice]

Hi LibrarySuperstar thank you, I'd think so too for sending child to nursery, and we might do that, but I think she didn't want to do, and only doing this to because I'm not earning enough. She often look at my friends here who are in well paid job and can support wife to be home full time while can afford nursery, and this also makes me feel real sense of failure.