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Second relationship - girlfriend wants child

(20 Posts)
ad1rjh Tue 14-Aug-18 19:06:01

Last year I split amicably from a longterm relationship. I have 3 beautiful children from this (all in their teens). I've since met a new partner & she's keen to have a child. I'm over 40 & girlfriend is mid 30s. I'm open minded & getting more positive about prospect of being a dad for 4th time, but scared bigtime over risk of potential 5th ( ie potential twins scenario) - risk greater as we'd need IVF due to fact I had the snip a decade ago. Also anxious about the financial implications too (caring for 4 kids different relationships), though we both fortunately have reasonable jobs.

Am I the only one in this situation?
I would love to hear from others

Vitalogy Tue 14-Aug-18 19:17:04

I think if you enter into a serious relationship with a younger woman isn't this pretty inevitable. Especially if she hasn't already got any children. Will this be her first child?

What to do now then? Only you can decide.

ad1rjh Tue 14-Aug-18 19:42:44

Indeed. This would be her first child.
I guess you cannot control the unknown and it's in the hands of the gods if we were to end up with twins or with one.

Vitalogy Tue 14-Aug-18 19:53:12

Thing is, would she be happy to stop at one anyway?

ad1rjh Tue 14-Aug-18 21:05:17

Yes she is happy to stop there , at least she says so. I guess that is reassuring

Lynne1Cat Tue 14-Aug-18 22:11:19

You had the vasectomy because you didn't want more children. You must have had counselling and discussed what would happen if you met someone else/something happened to your wife or kids.

Why, then, would you change your mind? Just because your new lady wants to have a baby?

What would your existing children think? You having a child and living with it, whilst not living with them? The huge age gap between a baby and your kids?

bluetrampolines Tue 14-Aug-18 22:14:09

Personally i doubt shed be happy to stop at one.

SisterNotCisTerf Tue 14-Aug-18 22:19:42

How new is this relationship? Do you live together? How does she treat your children? Will you marry? Can you afford a fourth (or fifth!) child? How will this affect your career?

jilldoyoulikeowls Tue 14-Aug-18 22:23:27

@Lynne1Cat slight derail - but my husband was never offer d any counselling before he was booked in for his.

Snappedandfarted2018 Tue 14-Aug-18 22:27:12

Bloody hell you don’t even know each other you only split from you’re long term partner last year. You would be extremely foolish to jump into have another child with someone you don’t know that well and I assume who you’re existing kids don’t know.

Sarahani Tue 14-Aug-18 23:11:36

The main question is do you really want to go back to the beginning again? Sleepless nights, no down time, the stresses that small children bring and the impact that has in your relationship, social life and hobbies not to mention your other three children. I too doubt she would want to stop at one.

Having small children in your 40's is bloody knackering. I can't tell you how tired and frazzled I feel. Much more so than when I had my first in my early thirties.

The expense of paying childcare/being the sole earner and for three teens/university will be mega. Childcare costs us £12k per year and I have one at school. We can afford it but it's a massive outlay each month plus the planning, covering school holidays between us, it's never ending.

I would really have a good think about the realities of another child to make sure your 100% up for it. I'm guessing you had the snip for a reason but have forgotten how it feels a decade later!

pickleface Tue 14-Aug-18 23:16:51

Who are am these people offered counseling with regards to having a vasectomy? My husband certainly did not. Though obviously that's none of your concern.

People change their minds. Only you know if you have.

ad1rjh Wed 15-Aug-18 07:40:30

Thanks very much for all these comments.

Looking back to the decision to have the snip a decade ago ... I was naive, imaging nothing would change (and that I'd be with that same partner rest of my life) anf foolishly didn't think the advice video I watched on NHS would apply to me !! (Video not counselling offered in my case).
Well of course , now I'm more experienced and aware that nothing is certain apart from death, I realize now I made a mistake.

I've known my girlfriend for nearly 2 years now and, whilst we don't yet live together, have got to know her pretty well. My kids have met her several times and we've recently holidayed together - not perfect but overall they all got on. Yes I'm very conscious of need for my 3 kids to be happy and how change can be unsettling. So am checking in with them and balancing my life between kids time (4+ days a week outside of work) and girlfriend.

Sleepless nights etc are a distant memory, but to me the bigger thing is can i afford it. I think I could. There are if course positives to a new child - be chapter in life, I'm more experienced this time, more prepared etc.

I would not rush into this and need to know if we could stand living together first !

donajimena Wed 15-Aug-18 07:43:51

To be fair she is mid thirties. She doesn't have the luxury of time.

SisterNotCisTerf Wed 15-Aug-18 09:29:06

whilst we don't yet live together, have got to know her pretty well. My kids have met her several times and we've recently holidayed together

Nowhere near close enough to be deciding to have a baby with her! Tbh I’d be wondering why any sane woman would be wanting to have a baby with a man she has never even lived with. Be careful you aren’t being used as a sperm donor. It happens.

SisterNotCisTerf Wed 15-Aug-18 09:33:05

Would you be happy to have this child every other weekend? And maybe a couple of days in the week? Or maybe just in holidays if she moved away with it? Would you be happy having 4 children, 3 of whom who may never see the other?

LeftRightCentre Wed 15-Aug-18 09:33:34

You are an absolute fool to consider being this woman's baby daddy. Your first obligation is to your three children who are already here. You don't know this woman, you don't even live with her but you're going to compromise your children to be her baby daddy. You haven't even been split that long. FFS.

QueenOfMyWorld Wed 15-Aug-18 09:38:06

Having ivf after a vasectomy reversal is v v hard on a relationship,I speak from experience.The longer ago you had the procedure the less likely a reversal is to work.You could have icsi which is where they retrieve the sperm direct from you but just be sure its what you want 100%

Tubbyinthehottub Wed 15-Aug-18 19:15:17

Yes, a friend of mine was in almost your exact situation, though she is the woman. They now have two young children and are very happy.

Scorpvenus1 Mon 17-Jun-19 11:42:25

stop wasting the womans time and move on to someone more like you!

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