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(61 Posts)
Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 14:52:41

I told my wife of a 3 1/2 year affair. I was seeing a lady who was going through a rough time in her marriage. Her husband moved out back home in October and I was staying round hers 2 or 3 nights a week. She is now going through divorce and said i was the reason . I told my wife that I wanted to end the marriage and pursue the life with the ow . But last week I had a message on Facebook from her ex husband to be . Wanting to know the last time I say her . She accused me of playing mind games and wouldn't answer the phone . So I sent a screenshot of the message. She then called me back straight away and I told her to tell him truth about us . She wouldn't so I told her she needed to if not if he contacted me again I would tell him . So in the end I had told her anoth is anoth I wanted us to be a cpl to do cpl things and I would leave my wife. In the end I had to tell him as he started harassing me . The thing I am struggling is not the break up it's the fact she told him she hasn't see me in 2 1/2 years and is denying it even it's even happened . At witts end because I sent him all the proof he needs I feel I have betrayed her but I think he needed to hear the truth .

Laylajaney Sat 24-Aug-19 16:28:23

Stop excusing yourself. Things wil never be the same again between you and your wife.
Split up and start again as friends but separately. Live separatley if its possible.
Your wife can have a chance at anew relationship.

MashedSpud Mon 17-Jun-19 11:51:59

Your “mistake” lasted almost 1300 days and nights. That sounds more like selfish deception to me.

I hope your wife “makes a mistake” and has an affair on you. Then let’s see how you feel about a “mistake”.

RoRosmama Mon 17-Jun-19 11:48:00

The reason for her denying it is because she still wants to stay with her husband. Either that or she doesn't want to hurt him. Can see another reason.

Scorpvenus1 Mon 17-Jun-19 11:41:46

Cheating and lying and all the other horrible things that happen,, don't always mean the end of the road for some people.

Yea if you are weak and bordering pathetic. No self respect.

Scorpvenus1 Mon 17-Jun-19 11:40:37

hahahaha so OP is gutted he isn't that important and has put wife onb back burner, oh what an asshole. Am I allowed to swear.

Splitting up a marriage too, you should be hanging your head in shame, get some self control and leave the poor woman (your wife) so she can move on to something better and not the likes of you.

jugglinthemall Sat 18-Aug-18 23:16:50

Many folk think that an affair is the end but apparently >90% therapists do think a marriage can't survive an affair. They still remain the choice and responsibility of the cheater, especially 3 years in. It's hard to believe it because what keeps you going is the belief that at some level something that your spouse lacks is the problem that drove you to it. This must change and you must completely own what you did. One of your comments said that she was honest with you and do you want to make a go of it. You forfeited your entitlement to any honesty from anyone when you embarked on having your cake and eating it. She now has choice. That is what you kept from her, with your self interested delusions of trying not to hurt her. If you want your marriage to survive, stop asking Mumsnet for sympathy and go to your wife and really empathise... it will be new to you, so likely uncomfortable.

victoriafacio733 Fri 17-Aug-18 02:54:25

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ScrubTheDecks Mon 13-Aug-18 04:35:19

She is denying your recent relationship because she is trying to stay with her husband. It isn’t your business and you should not be interfering.

You need to be very very honest with yourself: if she would have you, would you prefer to be with the other woman?

If you would it is not fair to stay with your wife as ‘second best’, as your insurance policy. If you still have feelings for the other woman, it is not fair to allow your wife to believe she can have a good marriage with you.

However, if the OW wants to stay with her husband, you have no right to try and stop her except by telling HER (not her husband), your feelings. Then you have to accept her decision.

If you are truly trying to rebuild your marriage with your wife, why are you even thinking about what the OW told her husband?

1forAll74 Mon 13-Aug-18 03:33:32

There are lots of shouty and barbed comments about the op on here,but not from me. Its quite possible to eventually move forward after affairs.
Cheating and lying and all the other horrible things that happen,, don't always mean the end of the road for some people.
I was in the same situation myself years ago,so am not just speaking empty words here.

B00kworm86 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:31:12

Goodness....aren't you a catch? Your poor DW!

Jamboree05 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:24:58


So you originally decided to be with the OW and have now jumped back into bed with your wife because things got complicated. You sound like an absolute piece of work.

And no, you haven't made a mistake. You might have been able to label a drunken one night stand as a mistake, but a 3.5 year affair? Jog on.

I hope you're wife comes to her senses and kicks you to the curb. She deserves so much more.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:18:43

Map my mum that's what we have done . So hopefully we can move forward

MapMyMum Sun 12-Aug-18 15:45:13

If it doesnt matter to you anymore then just tell him everything. Stop trying to make out you're taking the moral high ground by not telling him everything about the affair you had with his wife. One message telling him everything and then both you and dw block both of them and move on

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:45:04

Thank u pompon that's what we are doing .

PurpleDaisies Sun 12-Aug-18 15:44:28

It wasn’t one mistake. It was a continuous string of mistakes lasting three and a half years.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:43:18

I am not a bad person because of one mistake.

Pompom42 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:42:54

I wouldn't worry. If she wants to lie to him about what happened and how long she hasn't been seeing you for etc I wouldn't worry.
Maybe she thinks she will get less money in the divorce settlement if he knows the truth I don't know.
Just concentrate on making amends with your wife and forget what ow is doing or saying.

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 15:41:29

You’ll be waiting a while, you’re quite the piece of work. I don’t know any men who think the way you do, thank god.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:40:56

All her husband wants to know is the truth . That's all it none of my concern and me and my wife both told him he needs to ask her himself. She won't tell him so he hounds us

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:39:00

No it's wasn't nice . Keep kicking I only come to see if anyone had been in this position

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 15:37:20

Bet it wasn’t fun for your wife either, and given that she wasn’t complicit in blowing her life apart, my sympathy lies with her.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:35:16

He knows where I lives he even suggested I met him for a coffee . Yes I am full of remorse . It the hardest days of my life ever

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 15:33:56

Portia you’d think he’d heed that eh? I doubt it though, men like him never do.

SexTrainGlue Sun 12-Aug-18 15:33:45

"Excuse me I haven't tried to control anyone"

Bollocks mate. You're trying to control what other woman says to her husband. Cut it out.

SymphonyofShadows Sun 12-Aug-18 15:33:35

I'm not sensing any shame or guilt here. Perhaps he wants to know because he's going to kick the living shit out of you. Not ideal but we all make mistakes...

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